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This Space Intentionally Left Blank
Aug. 11th, 2005 08:02 pmHaven't been on the internet all day, not even in the morning, get through work, hurry home, open up the window-- and it evaporates. I had wanted to say so much.
I had wanted to say that I saw Chris again, and it was cool, except that he's unhappy, but he's together, and so it's okay. I had wanted to say I spent a ridiculous amount of time with Juggler, and when I tried to describe seeing Chris again and was saying things like, "I don't want a relationship with him again, but I really care about him, and it's good to see him, and it makes me happy" he looked amused and he said, "so a friend." It stopped me in my tracks, figuratively speaking since I was in the car, and I said after a moment, "I guess. I don't do things like that much. I mean, I really do care about him. Trevor is like that."
Friend has been a careless sort of term for me for awhile, slapped on when 'aquaintance' sounded bad. Sure, I've got friends. There are people I love very very strongly, though, who I feel no need to settle into the chains of expectation and reciprocity that go with a relationship with, and I guess those people are friends. It's hard to differentiate from the relationship I have with the Juggler in some ways. I have sorta-sex with friends sometimes, and there are people I'm relationship-y with who I don't, really, have sex with, though not so much lately. Perhaps the difference between a relationship and a friendship for me, in the end, is not love or attraction but is a difference in the approach to complexities: with friends I let weirdness work itself out with time, possibly with a bit of distance, while with relationships I work weirdness out with words and actions.
Do you know that tomorrow is my birthday? I'll be twenty-four, for most of you a very small number, I think. It's been a good year; it's been the best year of my life so far. Do I have goals for this time next year? I suppose I do.
Right now I notice that I am in life, instead of watching myself live. It shows particularly in sex, where I am participant rather than orchestrator now, and too in what I livejournal about-- things that have happened, and not things that I have thought, so much. When you see my thoughts they're usually happening right here at the computer, right now, as I type. I want to keep that up. I want to stay under this rushing torrent and be swept by it, because I've learnt finally that I was born with gills. When I am living my life, I don't burn out on it. It's when I'm living other people's lives that I burn out on living, and need to retreat into watching.
Right now I am in the midst of joy. I look at myself and give myself guidelines to continue to be this way: always have three things to do at once, and always have one of them be playing with yourself. I mean this not in the wink-wink nudge-nudge way, but instead in the way of taking joy in something with yourself. It can be joy in the waves at the beach, joy in the internet, joy in a book, joy in pretty rats, joy in your throughts. Too, try to always have one of the other things you could be doing, be doing something with someone you like. It doesn't have to be someone you know well, or even someone you know at all; it could be someone you think you might meet and like if you really did end up going square-dancing instead of staying at home. It's so nice, though, to be surrounded by people you like. Default to yes instead of no. Default to trying and failing rather than not trying and never knowing. Get in trouble and have it be worth it because it was so much fun.
So, that's where I am now. In a year, I'd like to feel less strange about Kynnin. I'd like to know more people who do gardening. I'd like to smile at someone I don't know at least once a day. I'd like to know some of the people I do know better; there are a lot of you, you know. I'd like to dance naked again more often, I'd like to roll in the autumn leaves at least once, or the fresh-cut grass sometimes. I'd like to howl at the moon for real. I want to ask people more often if they will sleep with me, just sleep, because I love to sleep with people. I want to learn to swear.
Thank you.
I had wanted to say that I saw Chris again, and it was cool, except that he's unhappy, but he's together, and so it's okay. I had wanted to say I spent a ridiculous amount of time with Juggler, and when I tried to describe seeing Chris again and was saying things like, "I don't want a relationship with him again, but I really care about him, and it's good to see him, and it makes me happy" he looked amused and he said, "so a friend." It stopped me in my tracks, figuratively speaking since I was in the car, and I said after a moment, "I guess. I don't do things like that much. I mean, I really do care about him. Trevor is like that."
Friend has been a careless sort of term for me for awhile, slapped on when 'aquaintance' sounded bad. Sure, I've got friends. There are people I love very very strongly, though, who I feel no need to settle into the chains of expectation and reciprocity that go with a relationship with, and I guess those people are friends. It's hard to differentiate from the relationship I have with the Juggler in some ways. I have sorta-sex with friends sometimes, and there are people I'm relationship-y with who I don't, really, have sex with, though not so much lately. Perhaps the difference between a relationship and a friendship for me, in the end, is not love or attraction but is a difference in the approach to complexities: with friends I let weirdness work itself out with time, possibly with a bit of distance, while with relationships I work weirdness out with words and actions.
Do you know that tomorrow is my birthday? I'll be twenty-four, for most of you a very small number, I think. It's been a good year; it's been the best year of my life so far. Do I have goals for this time next year? I suppose I do.
Right now I notice that I am in life, instead of watching myself live. It shows particularly in sex, where I am participant rather than orchestrator now, and too in what I livejournal about-- things that have happened, and not things that I have thought, so much. When you see my thoughts they're usually happening right here at the computer, right now, as I type. I want to keep that up. I want to stay under this rushing torrent and be swept by it, because I've learnt finally that I was born with gills. When I am living my life, I don't burn out on it. It's when I'm living other people's lives that I burn out on living, and need to retreat into watching.
Right now I am in the midst of joy. I look at myself and give myself guidelines to continue to be this way: always have three things to do at once, and always have one of them be playing with yourself. I mean this not in the wink-wink nudge-nudge way, but instead in the way of taking joy in something with yourself. It can be joy in the waves at the beach, joy in the internet, joy in a book, joy in pretty rats, joy in your throughts. Too, try to always have one of the other things you could be doing, be doing something with someone you like. It doesn't have to be someone you know well, or even someone you know at all; it could be someone you think you might meet and like if you really did end up going square-dancing instead of staying at home. It's so nice, though, to be surrounded by people you like. Default to yes instead of no. Default to trying and failing rather than not trying and never knowing. Get in trouble and have it be worth it because it was so much fun.
So, that's where I am now. In a year, I'd like to feel less strange about Kynnin. I'd like to know more people who do gardening. I'd like to smile at someone I don't know at least once a day. I'd like to know some of the people I do know better; there are a lot of you, you know. I'd like to dance naked again more often, I'd like to roll in the autumn leaves at least once, or the fresh-cut grass sometimes. I'd like to howl at the moon for real. I want to ask people more often if they will sleep with me, just sleep, because I love to sleep with people. I want to learn to swear.
Thank you.
