"Early To Bed..."

"....Early to rise."

My body's so used to 5 hours of sleep that when I fall asleep at 9:30 pm... here I am. Traditionally for me waking up at 2am is a sign of depression. Should I be depressed right now? I've been so ridiculously happy-high this weekend and, really, this summer, that I expect a slow slide or an abrupt drop, something to take me down again to where I'm so used to being.

Thing is, I don't wanna go down there, and I really don't see a pressing reason to. Tonight is a little bit lonely, no human contact after three days straight of it, and in part that's due to my orchestration. I'm taking a little time to slow down, to back off before I become wholly a stimulation-junkie.

I want to go to another poetry slam tomorrow night. Are there any about? I need to do something sort of lowish-key, and I need to keep myself spread among the different players in my life. None of this glomming-on stuff. Rather, none of this sitting around waiting for people who aren't available stuff. There's too much to do for that.

Fantastic Poem

Pour Prendre Conge
Dorothy Parker

I'm sick of embarking in dories
Upon an emotional sea.
I'm wearied of playing Dolores
(A role never written for me).
I'll never again like a cub lick
My wounds while I squeal at the hurt.
No more I'll go walking in public,
My heart hanging out of my shirt.
( Read more... )

Love, Etc

And look, I'm back up again. I have been since about 4am this morning, when I went to sleep as the black sky was just fading into blue velvet outside my window. I woke up happy, and a surprise visit from Juggler only made that better (he's never done that before, he felt weird with it, yay Juggler!). Then I went on to work, which was awesome, and my client was nice and chatty-friendly, and then VanDusen, which was ridiculously busy and I got to sit at the main desk and be totally competent directing people to the tea ceremony. A stop at a dollar store for clothespins (!!!!!) and some groceries later I'm home, and thinking a bit.

First: the NRE experience is pretty much exactly like an 'episode' for me, and an 'episode' feels a lot like what I've heard a panic attack described as, if a little less severe possibly. Bowels knot, heartbeat really fast and too hard, sometimes my lungs are straitjacketed, sometimes there are sharp stomach pains. I feel vibratory. This may better explain my 'I don't like NRE' statement.

Second: Kink stuff definitely triggers my romantic/emotional connection stuff. There's nothing like it for that. It seems to be more appropriate romantic/emotional stuff than the crushes I've had in the past. Romantic feelings aren't quite like NRE for me, they're lower in my stomach (right above the public bone, and right between the breasts) and they're not as frantic. It feels good. It feels good, too, not to attach this to weird societal norms. It's 'feeling romantic' not 'we need to get married' or whatever, and that allows me to enjoy it rather than stressing over it.

Third: I can have lust-type crushes without getting emotionally entangled now. They're totally enjoyable. See: enjoying rather than stressing.

Fourth: Pray, or whatever you do, for the world to be how it should be on behalf of someone I know. Please.

Fifth: Yay more kinky shit on the horizon! I wanna post pictures of my bruises, but I realise that's a bad idea on a lot of levels-- you guys won't have the same warm, fond attachment to them that I do, for one, and that's a bit of a sucky thing to inflict. Also, I have no digital camera. Also, it's kinda a weird thing to do. If anyone wants to see them, though, lemme know. ;P