Hmmmmr.

Well, well, well. Here I am.

I kicked into overdrive today again. It's where I was for the past couple of months, and I've been stuttering on and off lately. On happens when I need to get something done quickly or to push through something that requires endurance; off happens when I have the luxury of staying in bed late and not leaving the house for a bunch of hours. Today, I had to get through work really quickly, and by the time I was done speeding therough it I was up, on, whee.

Luckily I was parked in front of backrubs and a korean movie that let me settle down again.

My life is so fu... wait. I'm not allowed to say that every time. No general statements in this one, then.

Graham continues to rock my world. You should call him just to hear him answer the phone. Thus far, he seems to have vast compatibilities in all sorts of areas-- he talks to me, he hits me with sticks and gives me backrubs and is silly with me and he sings. He's unphaseable, and when I pull him headlong into my weird swirl of intense stuff he barely sputters.

Tillie and I are happy. Even livejournal realises that we are the same person, and shows me her private entries. We have the awesome family thing going. This is comfort. We totally live vicariously through each other.

I've got a penpal (keyboardpal?) who makes me feel twelve years old in person. This is awesome. I actually invited him out for family dinner and spent the whole evening trying to get up the courage to tell him that he made me feel shy. Go figure. I sux0rz, but this is so much fun.

I got to see Trevor again, and he's got this date. I may see him again soon. I miss Trevor when I don't see him often. I love to see him happy and growing into himself and his life.

My poly skills are coming into play, and my lack thereof, and Juggler is being fantastic about the whole thing. He actually told me, when I confessed that I was surprised how little I was messing up, that he thought I was so with it, what was I worried about? It says more about me than him if the biggest surprise is that he's not insane, that he reacts like an ordinary decent human being to me. I feel like we're in this *together*, which is amazing.

I got lotsa cool family who come to dinner sometimes and we all like/love each other, and it's awesome.

Mom got a turkey for Christmas.

People are really what make me happy, you can see that pretty clearly in this list. When I hole up alone happiness becomes a fragile thing that shatters easily. Right now it's robust, I jump on it and it doesn't so much as squeak.

Love all y'all.

Plus!

http://s21.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=0952HOP21JUPW1V25YNXAOV2GW

Sleep.

I am getting enough sleep now that, when I wake in the morning, I'm a bit shaky and swimmy. This means I'm actually coming down for sleep. Wow.

In other not-so-news, I still love everyone.

I haven't been down enough to feel sleepy like this in a long time. My eyes actually sting a bit. I want to climb back into bed. This is awesome.

I need more hours in a day.

Next couple of days is, in order with no gaps:

Work
Bevan
Juggler
Sleep
Work
Family dinner
Graham, hopefully
Sleep
Work
Actual family dinner
Sleep
Work early
2nd work
I have no plans yet for Friday afternoon I think.

Words.

Where I saw the constellations reveal themselves one star at a time...

http://s21.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=1P5CRCOS33MKX18K5C338EWUBP

It was half of a phone conversation: Yo. Yo. Yes. Yes. Yes. Let's proceed to the rest of the conversation. Building a kayak or having sex. Does this make me whimsical and interesting? It was *my* half of the conversation.

I think I'm getting bigger. I know I am. Soon I'll be able to encompass my whole past, and what will happen then? Will I *remember* it? Will I cease to exist as a slightly blurred point in time and live along the whole length at once?

This sleep is a little bit inconvenient. It leaves me wondering, irritable, odd. The need to move is like a constant itch under my skin. I can't keep still- Bevan and I walked and walked and walked today, and that was after a day on my feet for work. I need to have a home that's a home to me. I need more sex and less time hurrying. I need noise and silence, not this in-between state. All this can be done.

I had the most interesting experience today. I was posessed by myself-as-a-twelve-year-old. I always liked who I was then; I'm rusty at being that person again. I've achieved my five-year-old self, I've incorporated that person. Now we look back to the person I was just before the hard part of life came down on me, that fragile idealistic wide-eyed girl who cried at the moon and tangled herself up in ideas like the meaning of life. I'm so resilient now, it's unbelievable, and I can never go back in that way. Still, there were some things that I will reclaim.

It's a joy to do this. I mean, I don't need to worry about holding onto the things I've leanred; they're a part of me. So, I can dive in and explore.

http://s21.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=0LQAPBHI79QJU2S99NEB7GMFIN

Words.

e.e. cummings says:
( Read more... )

Humanity i love you because you
are perpetually putting the secret of
life in your pants and forgetting
it's there and sitting down
( Read more... )

OMGOMG!

Trevor is an uncle!