String Of Words

Five thirty am and it was light out. Time to go back to sleep, I think, but of course that never works. This afternoon is going to have to include a nap-- something about midnight to 5:30 just not cutting it sleepwise, especially with an incipient sore throat.

I wonder often about the idea of deserving. I mean, here's Juggler, say. He's a pretty good guy, very decent, does a reasonable number of good things, sticks with stuff when it gets tough, etcetera. He's got a pretty good life. Fair enough.

Then there's me. I'm selfish and critical, I take what I want and reject or dismiss everything else. I'm flaky as hell, erratic, obsessive, greedy, hedonistic, and often both blind and short-sighted about other people's needs and about my own. I tend to deliberately overlook things I don't like, and my first reaction to a new idea is as likely to be a reactionary argument as it is some sort of real thought. And my life is fantastic. Fair? No. It's been like this for yoaers and I keep expecting it to fall down. It did once, but that was through prolonged stupidity on my part.

The systems with which I work tend to maintain an internal balance of their own accord. Drop a change into a system and it will work back towards stability. Things come back on themselves; eveything eats its young eventually in an organic cycle that makes me think of the karma concept somehow. It feels as if, by using up all the happiness in my life at once, it should run out. It's like it should be conserved-- be only a little happy and it'll last longer, be a better person and you'll be happier.

Maybe it really just is that you get what you tolerate. Put up with it and it stays in your life; reject anything even vaguely imperfect and something else will come to fill the gap.

Hm.

Etymology, A Beginning

Dude! - This one's been around for about three years, I picked it up from Juggler at the poly retreat. It rained in the night, and Kynnin and Mouse stared freaking out while water ran through the tent. Juggler blinks awake and says, "duuuude, stop it, yer freaking me out" to Kynnin, who was running around like crazy. It sounded so great that I deliberately adopted it, and the use has increased.

Fair Enough - Recent (this year) from Bevan. I used to mock him for using it instead of some other acknowledgement of a statement, then picked it up myself.

It's True - Recent (last year) from Angus, used in general agreement because I love his expression when he says it, sort of serenely amused.

Oh, My.

Yes, this may indeed be a night for dancing. The rain is just touching down lightly after almost two weeks, and it's the kind of full-on spring that makes me blush when I walk outdoors. How can the people who don't let women go topless allow pines to drop pollen so heavily in each gust of wind, or flowers to swell so suggestively, or the genetalia of gunnera to thrust upwards in such a manner? And then to have rain, after all this sun, so that all the soil and everything it supports is drinking, drinking, drinking.

I'm not a pagan, but I do understand the need to mark a time like this, and dancing is my holy rite. I've never really liked the spring, it's so overwhelming and intense that I can't ever relax. Still, there is significance here. Still.

And to go outside, and to feel the first drops of rain on your skin, and to smell the thirsty dust just wetting down-- that is what the world was made for.