String Of Words
May. 21st, 2006 05:59 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormFive thirty am and it was light out. Time to go back to sleep, I think, but of course that never works. This afternoon is going to have to include a nap-- something about midnight to 5:30 just not cutting it sleepwise, especially with an incipient sore throat.
I wonder often about the idea of deserving. I mean, here's Juggler, say. He's a pretty good guy, very decent, does a reasonable number of good things, sticks with stuff when it gets tough, etcetera. He's got a pretty good life. Fair enough.
Then there's me. I'm selfish and critical, I take what I want and reject or dismiss everything else. I'm flaky as hell, erratic, obsessive, greedy, hedonistic, and often both blind and short-sighted about other people's needs and about my own. I tend to deliberately overlook things I don't like, and my first reaction to a new idea is as likely to be a reactionary argument as it is some sort of real thought. And my life is fantastic. Fair? No. It's been like this for yoaers and I keep expecting it to fall down. It did once, but that was through prolonged stupidity on my part.
The systems with which I work tend to maintain an internal balance of their own accord. Drop a change into a system and it will work back towards stability. Things come back on themselves; eveything eats its young eventually in an organic cycle that makes me think of the karma concept somehow. It feels as if, by using up all the happiness in my life at once, it should run out. It's like it should be conserved-- be only a little happy and it'll last longer, be a better person and you'll be happier.
Maybe it really just is that you get what you tolerate. Put up with it and it stays in your life; reject anything even vaguely imperfect and something else will come to fill the gap.
Hm.
I wonder often about the idea of deserving. I mean, here's Juggler, say. He's a pretty good guy, very decent, does a reasonable number of good things, sticks with stuff when it gets tough, etcetera. He's got a pretty good life. Fair enough.
Then there's me. I'm selfish and critical, I take what I want and reject or dismiss everything else. I'm flaky as hell, erratic, obsessive, greedy, hedonistic, and often both blind and short-sighted about other people's needs and about my own. I tend to deliberately overlook things I don't like, and my first reaction to a new idea is as likely to be a reactionary argument as it is some sort of real thought. And my life is fantastic. Fair? No. It's been like this for yoaers and I keep expecting it to fall down. It did once, but that was through prolonged stupidity on my part.
The systems with which I work tend to maintain an internal balance of their own accord. Drop a change into a system and it will work back towards stability. Things come back on themselves; eveything eats its young eventually in an organic cycle that makes me think of the karma concept somehow. It feels as if, by using up all the happiness in my life at once, it should run out. It's like it should be conserved-- be only a little happy and it'll last longer, be a better person and you'll be happier.
Maybe it really just is that you get what you tolerate. Put up with it and it stays in your life; reject anything even vaguely imperfect and something else will come to fill the gap.
Hm.
