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Jul. 28th, 2006
I've been thinking a lot lately, and a bunch of the thought is going into love. I'm thinking about how and why I love, what exactly I mean when I say it, and how I act around it. There is aclear distinction for me between loving someone or something, which is a feeling about that thing, and... being in-love-with? Well, between love and attachment, is perhaps a better way to put it. I love like crazy, but I'm afraid of becoming attached to things, because things change and pass away. When I love something and it passes away, I am sad. When I'm attached to something and it passes away, it tears and hurts me.
Many of my relationships have been designed to keep me from getting too attached since I lost Kynnin. That was a lot of tearing, identity-loss, life-plan-change, big internal stuff that was not simply sad but wounding. To minimise the chances of that happening again, I chose to be in relationships with people who were not emotionally available-- they had commitments to others, they were wrapped up in romantic ideals rather than my actual self, they were too self-absorbed and self-contained to reach out and connect or mesh in that way. Without that connection, meshing, entanglement, call it what you will-- without that, the endings become easier.
This explains a lot.
The thing is, I like the intertwinedness that comes from closely meshed, vulnerable relationships, but it also frightens me quite a bit. It seems to frighten me to the point of gibbering rage and dissociation, in fact. That means I get to fight my codependent tendancies AND my run-away-I'm-scared tendancies at the same time. Wonderful.
Oh, well. I haven't had a good challenge in a long time.
PS I have skinned knees from climbing, and the joy of that type of injury is intense. It reminds me of when I was 5 and learning to rollerskate.
Many of my relationships have been designed to keep me from getting too attached since I lost Kynnin. That was a lot of tearing, identity-loss, life-plan-change, big internal stuff that was not simply sad but wounding. To minimise the chances of that happening again, I chose to be in relationships with people who were not emotionally available-- they had commitments to others, they were wrapped up in romantic ideals rather than my actual self, they were too self-absorbed and self-contained to reach out and connect or mesh in that way. Without that connection, meshing, entanglement, call it what you will-- without that, the endings become easier.
This explains a lot.
The thing is, I like the intertwinedness that comes from closely meshed, vulnerable relationships, but it also frightens me quite a bit. It seems to frighten me to the point of gibbering rage and dissociation, in fact. That means I get to fight my codependent tendancies AND my run-away-I'm-scared tendancies at the same time. Wonderful.
Oh, well. I haven't had a good challenge in a long time.
PS I have skinned knees from climbing, and the joy of that type of injury is intense. It reminds me of when I was 5 and learning to rollerskate.