Greenstorm's Journal

The other day I was talking to my counselor about ADHD, and I told her I really had no idea if that applied to me. My mind started working very differently after the accident, but my life also changed around that time: I went through school, which was 100% damaging to my mind even without the accident; I switched from a job with daily hard labour which is great for me to a more desk-focused job where I only go out a couple times a week for a couple months and no longer bike commute; I lost a lot of my social network and thus both physical and emotional regulatory support but also the need to mask; I added a ton of responsibilities to my life; and I have a life plan besides dying as soon as I can't work anymore which kind of increases the stakes of everything.

When I listened to the Ologies podcast on ADHD, where she interviews an expert in the field, I learned that about 10% of folks with ADHD acquire it. Some % is genetic and some % is prenatal environment, I believe, but I'd have to re-listen to remember. Anyhow, I didn't have this sort of memory/cognitive/focus issue before school and the car accident, but also I've had these liftstyle changes, and some of the experience of ADHDers sounds more familiar to my life now. So, I don't know.

My counselor ran a screening on me and it was hilarious. The screen was sixteen questions. I am mostly completely unable to answer quiz-type questions, to borrow a phrase "I'm too autistic for this" because my answer is always self-evidently "it depends" but other people seem to have no trouble? It took an hour to get through the sixteen questions, of which the most notable were:

Do I find myself making careless mistakes when engaged in something boring or repetitive? No! I make a ton of careless mistakes when I'm in a hurry, but if something is especially boring or repetitive I know that's where mistakes creep in, so I am extra careful and check my work. I do a kind of data entry at work sometimes where mistakes are important, and I know my mistake percentage is lower than most other people's, but that's because I check my work. A lot of people don't recognise that they make mistakes, so they don't check their work, so they submit more mistakes. So I don't know if I make more mistakes in the first place, but my finished work specifically on a boring job has fewer mistakes. Now on a novel job I tend to make more mistakes than the average person? So is the answer yes or no?

Do I interrupt people frequently? No, that's annoying. When I was very little my kindergarten report card said that I interrupted people a ton, but that's because I did my work really quickly and, having nothing else to do, I would wander around and interrupt people. When I was supplied with books to read after I was done and told that behaviour was bad I stopped it. As an adult I hate being interrupted while I am focused, so even if I have the impulse to interrupt other people frequently (which I sometimes do!) I will put a lid on it because it's obnoxious. So is the question asking if I have the impulse to interrupt people, or if I'm capable of suppressing the impulse? Is the answer yes or no?

Do I feel compelled to move around as if driven by a motor? (And my therapist adds: I hate this question, I'm more in my head and compelled to think about things, but I've never been compelled to move my body even though I'm ADHD) Unequivocally, no. My body never feels like it needs to go. I need the results of it moving a lot, but it never feels like it needs to get up and move. I do like to have something to think about, and if I'm going to not be thinking about something I often like having the space delineated so I don't get stuck there, but this is the only question I can really clearly answer no to.

Do I fidgit if I need to be still (one question) and do I get up out of my chair if I'm in meetings etc and supposed to be sitting down (a different question) My body isn't constructed to sit upright in a chair. After about half an hour, maybe an hour if I've been practicing a lot, I'll be in hairly substantial physical pain. So I may fidgit as a tool to manage the pain, or if I'm in a situation where the power differential allows I'll get up and sit on the floor, stand against the wall, etc. I'm definitely able to be still if there's a big power differential, and I'm able to be still if my body is comfortable (thank you, savasana) but as a rule I won't be if I'm in a chair. So is the answer yes or no? Are people with specific disabilities more or less prone to ADHD? Is this another poorly thought out question?

Do I have trouble waiting my turn? Unequivocally, no. I love the experience of seeing other people get/do their thing. I feel happy for anyone in line in front of me when they get to stop waiting and finally get their turn, for instance.

Do I have trouble unwinding or relaxing? Yes. If there's something I need to do in the next little while, I can't dip into relaxation and then dip back into action easily, so I tend to leave myself "on" because it's super hard to transition from relaxation to work mode and vice versa. So technically I don't have trouble relaxing, I just need certain situations where it's appropriate to be very relaxed and those don't come along often, but I answered yes anyhow.

Do I fail to remember appointments etc? Yeah. This is a post-school or post-accident thing: I used to be able to see or feel the entirety of the next month or year ahead of me. Now I might remember there's a thing, but nothing about it, and I need to look it up in my calendar often. So yes, I fail to remember things all the time.

Do I have difficulty focusing on people when they're speaking to me (one question) and do I get easily distracted when there's activity or noise around me (another question) Yes and yes. But. I have really shitty verbal processing, both incoming and outgoing. Before school/the accident my reading processing and focus were really great, but I'd say I'm 20x or so slower at processing speech than writing. Except, after the accident my writing processing became less and I had to switch to speech-to-text for a lot of writing, I'm slowly getting it back but it's nowhere near what it was before. So I have a ton of difficulty focusing on speech but that's because I often can't process at talking speed, so my understanding starts lagging behind the conversation and I have to choose between processing what someone just said and retaining what they're saying now. If there's background noise around me this process is magnified significantly. I have had conversations where I retained and processed at conversational speed but they are mostly I think with a specific subset of other autistic people. So, is this a question about processing? If I removed the processing difficulties, would it still apply? Or is ADHD the processing issue to start with? I answered yes to both these questions but I'm uncertain of that, and I wonder if text communication counts.

Do I have trouble finishing a boring task? Again, yes but. Not finishing a task isn't so much about whether the task is boring, it's that not finishing something is a method for managing PDA: if I am not finishing something, I'm sort of not actually doing it, which means that I don't need to start a task in order to begin it, I'm just doing some prep to make the later task easier. PDA lets me do a lot in service of prepping for things, but it almost never lets me actually Do A Thing. So for instance I can do six sinkfuls of dishes no problem, but I will leave three or four pieces of cutlery in the sink becaus I can't "do the dishes" but I can "make it easier to do the dishes later" by getting a bunch of them out of the way. Likewise I can't "plant the roses" but I can get some of them in the ground so the actual planting will go more smoothly. I don't usually get bored or lose focus and wander away; the non-finishing is as Waymond says "strategic and necessary" and is the only thing that allows me to start on any project. I don't remember what I answered for this one.

There were some other questions I don't remember, but you see how my counselor was luckily patient and filled with understanding humour every time she asked a question and I laughed and said "I'm too autistic to answer this question! Here's the situation, does it count?" and how the sixteen questions took an hour only to come up with me being dead borderline: just on the likely-ADHD side of the inattentive scale and just on the unlikely side of the hyperactive scale, within a point or two of the cutoff either way. I almost always score that way on quizzes, so I should have guessed, but interpretation (do sensory processing and pain management techniques count?) would influence the result a fair bit.

Seems like the Catherine White Holman wellness center in my province, which is for genderwhatever folks, offers actual ADHD assessments for free to genderwhatever folks, and I might hop on that. If medication will help whatever is going on with my mind, I would like medication, please. I definitely hate the feeling of wasting a lot of years being unable to live happily and comfortably when I could have taken a solution that's at hand earlier.

Anyhow, that is the funny story of my epic 16-question ADHD screen and kind of the story of my life where I suck at being categorized because I'm pretty sure the categories were designed with humans in mind instead of whatever I am. Seriously, could *you* answer those questions without a ton of associated exposition?

Let's be real.

Neurotypical folks are maladaptive aliens.

They are rarely interested enough in something to look it up and don't seem to enjoy thinking, only being forced into it by circumstance. They take no joy in knowledge for its own sake. They're threatened by real, deep emotions and can't stand to observe them. Often they're threatened by clear statements of facts, even when those facts are gently presented. They don't know what to do when people go off-script socially and can feel very awkward when they're in an unforeseen situation.

When they're on-script they're often overconfident in social situations, assuming they know what other folks are feeling without a shred of evidence or justification (when you do studies on them they can't detect flirting most of the time, but they sure think they can). They really like sameness in folks around them to the point that sameness with a single group can be the heart of their identity, and they fixate on and reject small deviations from their norms to the point of obsession. Social bonds need to be reinforced frequently through set routines or they disintegrate.

They also don't seem to have a great grasp of what's going on outside themselves: they often don't notice or respond to changes to sounds, lighting, or smells in their environment.

It's likely the prevalence of neurotypicals is a feedback loop of adaptation to a modern society primarily run by neurotypicals, where uniformity of appearance and behaviour are frequently seen as prerequisites for human needs such as food, shelter, safety, and justice. In such a society strong emotions and physical or emotional awareness of the environment can disrupt the restricted and repetitive daytime behaviours this society demands for extended periods of time. Intense interests can distract from both these prescribed behaviours and from the elaborately scripted social interaction required during any meeting.

Neurotypical society is a harsh one: failure to meet its need for extensive repetitive daily activities, restrictions in appearance, and limited emotional expression can result in ostracization and withholding of resources, often in turn leading to early death. This is a cruel society that kills its outliers and punishes diversity.

Tomorrow:

8am to 4 or 5 or 6pm: work
6pm to 9pmish: Gui visits
9pmish to crash out: Latin, env clim

Breaks allowed: Lunch w/ Graydon, 2 x 1/2 hour reading, 1/2 hour sewing, FOOD GODDAMMIT.

Saturday:

Wakeup to 10:30 or 11ish: Angustime.
11 to 4 or whenever: Latin, finish env clim if needed, Math practice midterm, fire control studying. NO MORE THAN 1 1/2 HOURS LATIN.

Breaks allowed: Laundry, Fish and Wildlife studying, yoga, NO SEWING, food, emailing work about holidays this summer, emailing about chicken and turkey.

4 (or whenever) to too-stupid-late: Burn Notice w/ Andrew. I will bring my fire control book to this and skim through it occasionally to "study"

Sunday:

Wakeup till noon: Angustime, leasurely breakfast, snuggle baby rats, COOK FOR AFTERNOON.
Noon - 1:15: Math if not finished (it better be!), Latin, fire control

Breaks allowed: none, it's only just over an hour, doorknob.

2 - 6:15: Permie documentaries and vegetarian food w/ classmates.
6:40 - 9ish(?): Dinner w/ Kynnin
9ish - ?: Michael snuggles.
? - crash out: OMFG UNSCHEDULED

Monday: Remember to bring fire control to work to study. Try to make time for Computers homework. Boot camp.

if i love You
(thickness means
worlds inhabited by roamingly
stern bright faeries

if you love
me) distance is mind carefully
luminous with innumerable gnomes
Of complete dream

if we love each (shyly)
other, what clouds do or Silently
Flowers resembles beauty
less than our breathing

ee cummings

Okay, okay, enough with the ee cummings. I need a poetry buddy to call up and just read with, back and forth, you pick one, I pick one. I do so love reading poetry aloud. Words and voices make it; it was made for voices in so many cases. Language is quick and beautiful when it is words sliding straight into your brain from a page, but it is a sensuous experience in the mouth and the ear and we take that so much for granted. It's like food, like moving your body; we forget because we are given this most wonderful of experiences everyday that it is in fact so gorgeous.

Obviously I'm having an up day today. There are many reasons for this. A big one is the Vancouver freeschool at UBC Farm. You need to come to this if you live in Vancouver: http://summerfreeschool.wordpress.com/

Today at work was super awesome. I woke up early, got a couple hours of gardening done, got picked up and went to the greenhouse with my boss (who pays me for this! I guess after the long hours last week it's deserved) which happens to be the same greenhouse my boss two back used. It's absolutely the best for annual flowers anywhere. I spent some money I wasn't planning to (of course) but dude, at wholesale prices whatcha gonna do?

Then we did some planting in the rain, I got soaked through to the skin. The boss and I chatted about stuff-- he's part of a gay couple, and I think he just wanted to chat about kink some, honestly, and-- I can do that, you know? Lots of talking during work, lots of fun, and then a ride to the skytrain so I didn't have to wander around soaking wet too much.

Now home with plants and a super hot date with Angus tonight. Muahaha!

Last night was helping the Writer with painting his new place, it was a lot of fun. Last time I painted was when Bob and Ryan and Vikkie and I all moved into that one place together, so I know enough not to feel like an idiot but I don't do it enough for it to be boring. His new place has really nice energy to it, and trees outside the window, and it was nice to chill with him for a bit. Been missing that boy-- he's been crazy busy and/or burnt out a lot. I know a lot of my emotional rollercoasters (have you noticed? I have) come from not seeing him for 'too long'-- if you read back you'll notice that for the couple days right after seeing him I'm absolutely flying, and then eventually, depending on circumstance, there's a crash.

Ahwell. Things'll settle down eventually.

Yesterday at work was another long hard day. It's funny, we keep working through stuff to finish, pushing our edges, and then there's something more to do. There should be no more there now, though. If today was a soaked-to-the-skin day, yesterday was a sweating-buckets day. I did most of my normal day plus an extra four hours of pulling our dwarf alberta spruces (ewwwwww needles and rashes and poking) and putting in the tropical entrance to one of the hotels I do plants for. It looks spectacular. It'll look unbelievable in a month.

Monday I made yummy soup but the evening kind of sucked. Snuggles during the movie kept my head above water, that and a very understanding Angus.

Now I've gotta go dress up. More painting and/or moving/steam carpet cleaning tomorrow-- it's funny, I'm paying forward to the Writer all the stuff I got from Juggler when I was starting to do my own thing.

Friday PAUL IS IN TOWN and I am going to GO DRINKING WITH HIM AND HALF THE EARTH and IT WILL ROCK BECAUSE PAUL IS AWESOME and HE SHOULD CALL ME. But he won't cause I only get emotionally attached to people who are distant and aloof, at least sometimes-- Angus frontloaded that by breaking up with me back when, got his hooks in, and now he's a solid platform, but with everyone else it's ongoing, and I'm learning how to swing with that, I think. (note wecallthishumour tag. It's funny because it's true).

I need to get some upside-down tomato planters and get showered and fancied up or something.

I will do a tomato/gardening post shortly. Short form: I am planting three kinds of okra; a zillion kinds of tomatoes (trial testing I think 6 heirlooms (green zebra, nepal, Eva purple ball, cherokee purple, black prince, japanese black trifele) against some hybrids (sweet million, sungold, bush beefsteak, first lady, ultra sweet, ultra girl) in a sort of unfair setting; while I'm still gonna try two of each kind, one in each set of conditions (front/side of the house) I'm going to have a range of planter sizes and types and a range of companion plants); three kinds of sorrel (wood, blood, and garden), two kinds of summer squash (vegetable marrow and I think yellow pattypan of some kind), some different basils (anise, some italian lettuce leaf basil, maybe something else), nasturtiums, flat-leaf parsley, lacinato kale, a bunch of herbs (list later), a lot of mints (list later), some unreal beautiful coleus and fibrous begonias, a couple of rhodos, some purple jasmine stevesii or something like that, a couple kinda of violets, and I have yet to get cucumber and maybe dill seeds.

This is exciting.

I should do eggplant too but I'm chicken.

Enough! Will talk more about gardening later. Love y'all.

On paleontology:

"With so little to be certain about, scientists often have to make assumptions based on other objects found nearby, and these may be little more than valiant guesses. As Alan Walker and Pat Shipman have drily observed, if you correlate tool discovery with the species of creature most often found nearby, you would have to conclude that early hand tools were mostly made by antelopes."

-Bill Bryson

There goes August

I know I'm missing things-- like the rat bbq/august rat show, more Trevor, time with Paul, Eva, Guu with Avi, oh, hanging out with friends in general?

I'm recommitting to clear out clutter-stuff and spend more time doing meaningful, purposeful activities with people I enjoy.

Today: Baby rats, cage cleaning, housecleaning, Bob?
Tomorrow: Gardening, cleanup?, Angus?
Wednesday: Karaoke, drop off rent cheque
Thursday: Help Angus do move-out clean
Friday: Greenie-time, KMM
Saturday: , Piotr
Sunday: Piotr, Pride, Cooking, Rat cage cleaning, social?
Monday: Gardening, Greenie-time, cooking
Tuesday: Social evening? - Ellen?
Wednesday: Angus
Thursday: Greenie-time
Friday: Doug&Kat? Taicho drumming.
Saturday: Doug&Kat @ the beach, weather permitting, birthday party in the evening
Sunday: Rats. Ellen? Family Brunch?
Monday:
Tuesday: Angus?
Wednesday: Victoria?
Thursday: Victoria?
Friday: Unscheduled
Saturday: Drum workshop? Zombiewalk
Sunday: Drum workshop?

Hypothesis 1: I use this place as a mental garbage dump, so I carry my garbage around all day waiting to put it here, thus making myself pissy and weird.

Hypothesis 2: My roommate moving away and the associated change and worry of finding a new roommate or being on my own is stressing me out more than I thought, making me pissy and weird.

Hypothesis 3: Things that did not bother me in the last month or two or three are bothering me now because they're a problem and I can't do denial anymore, making me pissy and weird.

Hypothesis 4: I am spending too much time working and on the internet and not enough time socialising and cleaning my house, leaving me lonely and feeling out-of-control of my environment, making me pissy and weird.

Hypothesis 5: Through the juxtaposition of certain celestial objects, etc, I am made pissy and weird.

Hypothesis 6: I am a normally pissy and weird person who, for various reasons, took a break for a bit.

Hypothesis 7: I am normally a pissy and weird person who is suffereing a burst of self-awareness about said traits.

From this I conclude that I need to get out more.

Greenie's brain says: fuck this! I'm tired, I moved over twenty tons of rock in the last three days with my own arms, it's SNOWING at the end of APRIL, I'm having mood swings, and I'm starving to death. Having gone to the store in perfectly dry weather and come back with provisions, I will now not go out in the snow. Instead I will make BBQ tofu, miso stew, and fried bananas to bring myself back up to caloric balance; turn up the heat; and maybe read a book or something while snuggled in my bed-- that or make an exhaustive list of types of fruit trees I want.

Fuck going out.
Fuck obsessing over boys who act like jerks.
Fuck hunting down a good restaurant.
Fuck trying to figure out who's free and accessible and wants to cuddle, getting dressed, and finding dry shoes.

That lightning strike was awesome. It set the car alarms off on the whole block. And the grass is now obscured by white.

It's also been a dry winter which means I spent today-- watering gardens because they were wilting. Yes. Same city.

I give up.

I see a ripe strawberry out my window, but I need to put away my rats and get dressed to pick it.

Nothing in my life is particularly related to anything else on a daily level. I think this is why it's driving me crazy. As a step in my not-being-sick-anymore, I am using my daybook again. I remember that I need to write anything down that isn't 'go to work, go home from work, sleep' if I'm to remember it.

Bob and I have likely found a place for April 1st, possibly earlier than that depending on our landlord. The thing here is our landlord got drywallers to come in. They

took off the ceiling, and it was wet out there. They left for a couple days so it could dry out, and while we have our ceiling off, it's noticable that when the shower is engaged (rather than the bathtub tap),

water comes down from the ceiling, that is, from a 2x4 that normally holds the drywall, as well as from the showerhead a good 8" down. It also mysteriously forms a puddle a few feet away from the tub which is a bit mysterious. So for obvious reasons,

the drywallers aren't putting the ceiling back just yet. Instead we need to

call a plumber, but first we need to

get a hold of the landlord. Meanwhile

the house is a mess, I don't want to cook on the stove (which is under a bit hole where the ceiling was, and

the animals can't come home and

I feel discombobulated. So if you're doing stuff with me,

make me write it down in my daybook.

Also I love my ratty girls and ratty boys and I saw my girlies today and they still love me.

Also I am going to Kelowna for six months this summer.