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I fucking love school. It's hard work, though.

Solstice.

Jun. 21st, 2008 10:31 am
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I slept outside on my deck last night. I didn't want to miss the sunrise.

I didn't get off work till 8, home around quarter to 9. The car alarm across the street went off solid till about 11. I didn't get out to the solstice potluck, nor could I have made it to Paul and Bob's movie thing in time. I ended up at home, showing off baby rats to the roommate's friends (they're getting fur, they're adorable) and then alone on the lounger under some blankets.

The sun started to rise at 4am.

Angus had said he might come over after work and watch the sunrise with me. I texted him, he was busy at first and then went home, so couldn't come over anyhow since we're still on rat-show quarantine.

The first real sign of sunrise was this very fine, tiny sprinkling of birdsong from everywhere. The sky was only the barest bit light. I don't know which birds did it. It's an overcast day, and as everything lightened very slowly the definition crept into clouds. It was such a dramatic sky, texture everywhere, whipped lights and darks like the biggest painting of a storm you can imagine, though it was quite calm and warm.

There was a second layer of birdsong-- the first quieted, then it started again with louder birds joined in. An hour later, perhaps, it had died some and then everything started-- the crows were in it this time, although the pigeons didn't start mating calls til the actual sunrise.

I started crying intermittently at 4:30. It was the loneliest morning I've ever felt; normally for me morning washes everything away and start clean, and it's late nights that bother me. The sun was really, truly up at 6-something (I couldn't see it, besides being overcast my balcony faces west) and though I had planned to spend the entire day outside in some form or another I gave up and crawled in to bed, closed the window, and finished crying in a less conspicuous place than right above Victoria drive. I kept flipping Piotr's hourglass gift to me (make it through this two-minute period... and then this). I thought very hard about Piotr and Ellen, who felt like anchors (I could call them and it would be okay). I felt like if I talked to anyone on the phone I would throw up or just die on the spot.

I haven't hurt that much since... well, it's been awhile. I don't know whether it's because of the return of the internet (feeling crappy seems connected) or just the solstice (Acceptance of gifts? Acknowledgement of loss?) or nothing or everything. Eventually I curled up with Friskie and fell asleep, waking in a better state of mind. I've made hippie muffins and I'll go back to work in a bit.

I wonder very much what evening will bring.

This was in my head. It's by Lord Byron:

So, we'll go no more a-roving
So late into the night,
Though the heart be still as loving,
And the moon be still as bright.

For the sword outwears its sheath,
And the soul wears out the breast,
And the heart must pause to breathe,
And love itself have rest.

Though the night was made for loving,
And the day returns too soon,
Yet we'll go no more a-roving
By the light of the moon.

Self-Care

Apr. 18th, 2008 06:58 pm
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Greenie's brain says: fuck this! I'm tired, I moved over twenty tons of rock in the last three days with my own arms, it's SNOWING at the end of APRIL, I'm having mood swings, and I'm starving to death. Having gone to the store in perfectly dry weather and come back with provisions, I will now not go out in the snow. Instead I will make BBQ tofu, miso stew, and fried bananas to bring myself back up to caloric balance; turn up the heat; and maybe read a book or something while snuggled in my bed-- that or make an exhaustive list of types of fruit trees I want.

Fuck going out.
Fuck obsessing over boys who act like jerks.
Fuck hunting down a good restaurant.
Fuck trying to figure out who's free and accessible and wants to cuddle, getting dressed, and finding dry shoes.

That lightning strike was awesome. It set the car alarms off on the whole block. And the grass is now obscured by white.

It's also been a dry winter which means I spent today-- watering gardens because they were wilting. Yes. Same city.

I give up.
greenstorm: (Default)
Badly done obscure gamer music viideo with eighties clothes. Don't say I didn't warn you.

http://www.mybarbarian.com/mb-web/video/unicorns_hi.mov

IM

Apr. 2nd, 2006 07:00 pm
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I've got google talk. I've caved. Anyone I should know about on there? I'm dryadess at you-know-where.

Whew.

Mar. 20th, 2006 07:12 am
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So while I've been having the best month of my life to date (there are too many good days days lately for me to leave it at a week, and they all complement each other nicely), a net-friend has had his house struck by lightning. I love the internet. Without it, people I know wouldn't die in undercover work in small Central American countries, nor would they get their houses struck by lightning.

Um, yeah.

I was gonna write a post about sex and how I ejaculated all over a boy's face the other day (for which the technical term is 'fucking hot beyond belief'), but somehow the juxtaposition of all these things is frying my brain. Glad I'm going dancing tonight. Family dinner before then, c'mon out to my house and bring fruit for fruit salad.

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