Turning, Turning, Turning

My Heleny thing is dead.

Eva cared for her well after the surgery, and she was held and loved near the end. I held her last night for awhile, and fed her, and she was so quiet and cold. Usually she was so crotchety. I guess it was right after I left that she gave up. Maybe she wanted to see me one more time? She would have been two in March.

Also one of my boyfriends has left me, though this may not be a permanent state of affairs: I can either allow it to remain as a default state or I can do some things about it, unlike a death. My home is still intact and a happy place, that's not the boyfriend of whom I speak, and I find this a great comfort to me.

After work I'm climbing with Trevor, after going to get her, of course, or maybe before. Exercise is a great stabiliser. I have roastaroma tea now, so that's good comfort too without the accompanying caffeine panic attacks. I may answer the phone erratically.

Be well.

Body

I didn't get much sleep last night. I had a bunch of weird mental stuff happen (see last post). I did, however, get out to famous foods and load up on organic meat, because the happy place for my body to live is on fruit, salad, and big chunks of protein.

Last night I had steak for dinner. Today it was sunny out, though it was cold, and I took the seabus across to work. For possibly the first time ever, I deliberately sat in the front where I could watch the North Shore approaching, and see the waves sparkle in the sunlight.

My appreciation of beauty lives in my body. It's a healing thing, not really pertinent to the weird crazy mental swirl happening right now but instead giving me this very real physical sense of being here, of being present, of existing. When I let my mind run away with me I lose that, but when I take care of my body it takes care of me back by providing that grounding.

Climbing three or so days a week is good for my body. I hadn't thought of it at first, but I get so much more energy from it than from the exercise provided by watering plants all day that I couldn't describe the difference. Maybe part of it is the regular use of adrenaline in my system, maybe it's the soft sliding off and giving way to weirdly-shaped muscles in strange places (the palm of my hand!). I have neither changed weight, nor hip size at the biggest point, nor waist size at the smallest point, but the place where my pants sit is smaller now, and my thighs are slimmer and harder, and my shoulders are very wide. It's fascinating for someone interested in the cumulative results of an action many times repeated (I love how dirt accumulates in a sweep next to light switches, or wear tracks show on wood floors) and it's very good for my body and thus for my stability.

That's all.