The Hard No

There have been a lot of situations lately that've been requiring hard nos from me. I've been dealing wit these situations in more or less good ways, depending on what they are and what else is going on. It's kind of interesting, because I had a very good no at some point, say at the beginning of the summer, and it softened, and this is the result, I think. It's sort of like a test that, when failed, presents as a wake-up call.

Oddly enough, while this is leading to what should be intensely stressful situations, it isn't that bad. I know I'm stressed, and it's coming out in weird ways (losing things, like my cellphone; running away to Abbotsford to spend a night with Trevor in soft of escapist fashion; forgetting appointments; causing bad self-care around sleeping and eating; heavy bias towards exercise, likely for the improved state of mind it brings) but I find that actually saying no to things lets me clear out some of the cruft that's been building up and confusing my life. It's let me get my sense of purpose back, I guess, because the way in which I cxhoose my life is different. Instead of letting things happen and sort of rolling with them if a halfhearted avoidance doesn't work, I slash the other stuff and just do what works with my life. Makes things simple.

In other news, I took my piercing out the other day. It was rejecting, and that's definitely another loss. I miss it, it feels definitely absent, maybe it's the glint at the corner of my eye (I didn't notice I could see it after the first few days, but I can, just like you can sdee your nose but ignore it). In a couple months, when the weather isn't so dry and I have stuff under control, I'm thinking of a vertical labret, but that can take care of itself when it comes.

I feel like a huge ass for being flaky right now, but it needs to happen. I'll see you when I see you, and talk to you when I find my phone and when the phone-phobia associated with it calms a bit. Be well.

Documentation

Last night I went to Sin City wearing all rainbows in a sort of fake it till ya make it way. People seem to like rainbows, or maybe my defenses were low. I certainly got hit on relentlessly, or at least, I seemed to be considered public property as far as physical contact went. It sort of crystallised my 'need to say no' kick. It was good, in the end-- some dance therapy, some just being out of the house, some being sweaty, listening to some girl talk about octopi.

Halfway caught up on my sleep now. Gotta get new pants for work-- the other ones were stained by plant sap and/or bleached accidentally. I'm doing it without a cellphone on me, which is kind of neat. I could drop by on someone if I want, but no one knows where I am precisely. I wonder if this is the first step towards running off into the bush?

With no piercing on my face, I can squeegee it with my fingers after showering or scub it with a towel. Haven't done those things in awhile. My journey towards becoming myself continues. It's coming along.