Own Damn Fault

I admit it. I prayed for snow real hard during the beginning of this week. Sorry, guys.

(It does normally snow at the end of March, though, wasn't just me)

Got off work today when the beds we were supposed to be cleaning up were no longer visible under the carpet of white. Still warming up the tips of my toes.

Going through the grief cycle admirably. This week I've done denial, indifference, pain, sadness, irritation, rage, resignation, and flashes of acceptance. Nothing's banding as clearly as that, it's a bit of a muddle really, but it's good. Things continue to heal up quickly.

I seem to be finding what I need just fine; no fear of ending up a hollowed-out wreck for even another hour of my life, which is just fine with me. There's just too much going on to care.

And that too much going on can happen without engaging in the fucking chain of who-slept-with-who and who-said-what. Don't tell me about it. I'm dealing myself out of this game completely. Hopefully that will deal me out of this growing polarisation, too. I'm not interested and I can do better with my time.

A much better thing to do with one's time is to visit Guu, either luxuriously single or with a skilled guide. The food there is out of this world amazing (and it's pretty easy to go wheat-free dairy-free). Now, I'm not sure how to say this, but between the energetic host with the towel on his head, the salmon sashimi with raw quail egg and the beef carpaccio and the beef tongue and the bacon-wrapped asparagus skewers, and the crazy guy on the frying pan shooting flame (and the periodic loud rounds of shouting in Japanese) that place probably can decently replace sex. Shame that it's more expensive than sex, but before tip it came to about $15 for me, so it's not prohibitive to be there weekly.

Another better thing to do with my time is to spend more money on having shirts with pithy sayings made.

Further, I can cuddle rats, clean cages, make ratatouille, tidy the house, have a rose-scented bubble bath, read my book, go cherry-blossom-street hunting (in the snow!?!) and nap. I should also do some apartment hunting for May 1st. The lovely thing about having my own apartment is that I'll be able to go on a people-fast, where I just don't talk to anyone for a week if I like. Right now there's no peace in anyone, and I need peace to let some of this poison run out (I want you to be mine forever). And, you know, it is running out of me pretty cleanly, muddied and churned up by the angry parts of the grief cycle but it is passing when it needs to pass and leaving me with times of respite. That's when it's important that no new poison is poured in. Everyone needs a break sometimes.

Soon I'll need to pack up my books and stuff, to ready myself for the move.

And look, it's still snowing. Time for lunch, and for ratties.

Endless Snippets

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for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
( Read more... )

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

***

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboreth?
I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.
He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.
I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.
And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labor, it is the gift of God.
I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.

***

Start turning the girl into the ground
Roll a new love over
In the middle of the day, there's a young man rolling around in the earth and rain
Hey Mister, if you're going to walk on water
You know you're only going to walk all over me.

Lost Arts

I'm rediscovering the art of talking on the telephone. That's a couple of conversations I've had this week that last half an hour or more. It's nice; phone phobia subsiding.

Also, to remember: life is change, loss isn't damage (<3 Marvin)