School, Day 1

The word of the evening is overwhelmed.

The only way I can clear the static in my head and write is, as John Steinbeck said, to think of one particular person and write to them. This is something I have been doing in my journal, but I want this out in public where I'm a little more analytical of what comes out.

You know who you are, reader.

So today was school. It wasn't 'real' school, it was orientation, which I'm not going to talk about because it makes me angry. That's a separate post. Suffice it to say, the thing's begun.

And... the thing is big, and stressful and time-consuming in ways I didn't expect or think about. I'm used to valuing my time very highly, having agency over what I do, and keeping my life pretty structured and scheduled. This isn't geared towards that one little bit. None of it.

And that was fine. It was stressy, but fine. I had to sort out some last-minute stuff but I could do it.

Between the time I was talking to the people at the financial aid desk at school and the time I got home this evening, though, Angus decided he's going to quit his job and go back to school full-time, on loans if his parents won't help. He's hoping to go to the Pacific Institute of Culinary Arts, which is the best of the best: fitting, as so's his innate talent with flavours and food, and they also incorporate flexibility about his eating weirdness. I support this decision of his completely and totally, with every bit of my being: he's good at it, he loves it, he's miserable doing what he does now, and I've been on him to do this for three years now. He's gotta do this.

It means that my plan of attack for school (do the first year with work/saved money/help from him, do the second with some loans but mostly on work) is changed. I won't be able to lean on him for help at all financially-- and so probably from here on in I'll need student loan help with tuition.

This is outside my plan. It complicates things in a lot of weird ways, and having just had to change plans I'm immediately trying to figure out what everything means and what I need to know. There is one thing I do know-- my name issue is going to get in the way, and furthermore the financial aid office at school is only open on days and during times when I'm working, so I can't get help easily.

Normally when I'm stressed about something I information-gather and it helps me feel better. The more time I spend on BCIT's website the more I notice their financial aid info hasn't been oudated since the '08/'09 school year, or links don't work, there are misleading typos, or it's just really difficult to find information (you'd think I'd be able to figure out when next term start date is, somewhere in the midst of my emails and the website, right?)

So I'm getting more and more frustrated and scared with this whole business. I need to leave it for the night, eat something, sleep well, get through work tomorrow, and maybe worry about it a different night. That will help; it'll give me time to get used to the idea.

On the plus side, I can find info about counselling on the site.

Old Favourites

...because nothing is more soothing when embarking on something strange and frightening than a dose of familiar and loved (okay, so I've been downing heavy doses of those today):

The Heart

In the desert,
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.

I said, 'Is it good friend?'
'It is bitter---bitter,' he answered;
'But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart.'

Stephen Crane

humanity i love you

Humanity i love you
because you would rather black the boots of
success than enquire whose soul dangles from his
watch-chain which would be embarrassing for both

parties and because you
unflinchingly applaud all
songs containing the words country home and
mother when sung at the old howard

Humanity i love you because
when you're hard up you pawn your
intelligence to buy a drink and when
you're flush pride keeps

you from the pawn shops and
because you are continually committing
nuisances but more
especially in your own house

Humanity i love you because you
are perpetually putting the secret of
life in your pants and forgetting
it's there and sitting down

on it
and because you are
forever making poems in the lap
of death Humanity

i hate you

ee cummings

A Poet's Poem

If it takes me all day,
I will get the word freshened out of this poem.

I put it in the first line, then moved it to the second,
and now it won't come out.( Read more... )

And used it write a word in the snow.
I wrote the word snow.

I can't stand myself.

Brenda Shaughnessy

I Said To Poetry

I said to Poetry: "I'm finished
with you."
( Read more... )

"Bullshit," said Poetry.
"Bullshit," said I.