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Well.
I've been amazing at getting my life in order since I started this livejournal years and years ago. I know the sort of things that make me happy, I know what I'm interested in. I've become more competent at doing things I want to be competent at, and at making my life more livable. I go ahead and do the things I want to do, if not fearlessly, then at least with fewer worries about being "good enough" or "able to".
From a relatively isolated state I have developed an enormous host of wonderful, diverse, amazing people in my life who support me. I have become better at the subtle interpersonal compromise and acceptance that leads to long-lasting and resilient interrelationships. I'm better at knowing where my boundaries are, where my desires are... And have I mentioned I'm more confident? ;)
I still have a problem, though. When someone in my life wants "less" of something I'm good at dealing with that; I have lots of good stuff in my life, I like my people to be happy, and when they go off to do things that make them happy I'm happy for them. No fooling.
When someone in my life wants "more" of something, though, especially "more" time, commitment, or intimacy... that's where I have trouble saying no. Sometimes it's because I feel emotionally responsible for my close friends and sexual partners, not all the way but often. Sometimes it's because I'd "like" to spend that time but have a rather flat priority scale after school and work, so it's easy to accumulate more equal priorities than I have time for. Sometimes it's because I feel like I need "a good reason" that isn't just "I don't entirely feel like it right now" or my desire on that front is less valid than the person who wants things from me. Sometimes it's because I feel if I don't take up my opportunity Right Now I won't get it again (though less and less). And sometimes it's because I don't have the energy or desire to deal with any pain someone might have around rejection or scaling back, even if it isn't a large-scale or overall thing but just a "sometimes" thing.
I'm finding that's true in a number of my sexual relationships or connections right now, and it's worst where I see someone the most. That is to say, it's worst with Blake, less of a thing with Angus, and tapers off sharply after that.
And... you've seen this coming, right? ...Blake just doesn't have good communication/emotion management skills. So my hesitancy is being reinforced here. We're getting sucked into the spiral of arguing more, of my backing off physically and of my wanting to spend less time with him, of that making him feel more insecure and needy... you all know how bad relationship cycles go.
I like this guy a lot, in the beginning the relationship was a lot of fun, but now my life is probably less enjoyable than if I weren't seeing him. I'm not sure how to tell if this is a little blip or a trend or what. It's impacting school. It's impacting my *health*, fer gawdsakes.
And I no longer know, if I ever did, what I should expect or ask for in a healthy relationship. I mean, I know reactively: someone who can support themselves, who isn't extremely depressed, who can shoulder their end of the physical costs of life is necessary for me right now. But emotionally, what's the bar for ok? How many nights of staying up late arguing? How many boundaries bent (or do we call that compromise)? How much yelling? How much listening to deliberately painful rhetoric?
I'm starting to argue back, sharply, sometimes hurtfully. That's something Angus and Michael had trained me out of; they were nearly always considerate and careful with their communication, so I was considerate and careful back. Now that skill is eroding as it feels, not just devalued, but like a losing strategy in what's increasingly becoming a zero-sum game.
So this is no good. And I don't know what to do. Counselling? Cut it off? Reduce the facetime sharply and see if that makes things better? As with all my relationships this one grew at an unmoderated pace and it's harder to put the genie back in the bottle than not to take it out so far in the first place.
I've been amazing at getting my life in order since I started this livejournal years and years ago. I know the sort of things that make me happy, I know what I'm interested in. I've become more competent at doing things I want to be competent at, and at making my life more livable. I go ahead and do the things I want to do, if not fearlessly, then at least with fewer worries about being "good enough" or "able to".
From a relatively isolated state I have developed an enormous host of wonderful, diverse, amazing people in my life who support me. I have become better at the subtle interpersonal compromise and acceptance that leads to long-lasting and resilient interrelationships. I'm better at knowing where my boundaries are, where my desires are... And have I mentioned I'm more confident? ;)
I still have a problem, though. When someone in my life wants "less" of something I'm good at dealing with that; I have lots of good stuff in my life, I like my people to be happy, and when they go off to do things that make them happy I'm happy for them. No fooling.
When someone in my life wants "more" of something, though, especially "more" time, commitment, or intimacy... that's where I have trouble saying no. Sometimes it's because I feel emotionally responsible for my close friends and sexual partners, not all the way but often. Sometimes it's because I'd "like" to spend that time but have a rather flat priority scale after school and work, so it's easy to accumulate more equal priorities than I have time for. Sometimes it's because I feel like I need "a good reason" that isn't just "I don't entirely feel like it right now" or my desire on that front is less valid than the person who wants things from me. Sometimes it's because I feel if I don't take up my opportunity Right Now I won't get it again (though less and less). And sometimes it's because I don't have the energy or desire to deal with any pain someone might have around rejection or scaling back, even if it isn't a large-scale or overall thing but just a "sometimes" thing.
I'm finding that's true in a number of my sexual relationships or connections right now, and it's worst where I see someone the most. That is to say, it's worst with Blake, less of a thing with Angus, and tapers off sharply after that.
And... you've seen this coming, right? ...Blake just doesn't have good communication/emotion management skills. So my hesitancy is being reinforced here. We're getting sucked into the spiral of arguing more, of my backing off physically and of my wanting to spend less time with him, of that making him feel more insecure and needy... you all know how bad relationship cycles go.
I like this guy a lot, in the beginning the relationship was a lot of fun, but now my life is probably less enjoyable than if I weren't seeing him. I'm not sure how to tell if this is a little blip or a trend or what. It's impacting school. It's impacting my *health*, fer gawdsakes.
And I no longer know, if I ever did, what I should expect or ask for in a healthy relationship. I mean, I know reactively: someone who can support themselves, who isn't extremely depressed, who can shoulder their end of the physical costs of life is necessary for me right now. But emotionally, what's the bar for ok? How many nights of staying up late arguing? How many boundaries bent (or do we call that compromise)? How much yelling? How much listening to deliberately painful rhetoric?
I'm starting to argue back, sharply, sometimes hurtfully. That's something Angus and Michael had trained me out of; they were nearly always considerate and careful with their communication, so I was considerate and careful back. Now that skill is eroding as it feels, not just devalued, but like a losing strategy in what's increasingly becoming a zero-sum game.
So this is no good. And I don't know what to do. Counselling? Cut it off? Reduce the facetime sharply and see if that makes things better? As with all my relationships this one grew at an unmoderated pace and it's harder to put the genie back in the bottle than not to take it out so far in the first place.
