(no subject)

Truths:

I like sex
I deserve to be cared for by myself and others
I am capable of being good to myself
I love people
I like making people happy
I am easily upset by the unhappiness of someone I love
I approve of relationship reciprocity but not necessarily symmetry
I feel a sense of obligation easily
I'd rather do something extra to add happiness than do something less to remove unhappiness
I venerate and approve of joy
When I am happy I like to share
When I am unhappy I like to close up and heal internally
I respect self-knowledge and the search for such
It's easy to think I want things based on what people around me want from me
I'm stubborn
I examine my thoughts and admit wrongness in myself or in my fit to a situation only when I don't feel pressured
Immediacy is the enemy of correctness
My gut instincts and emotions are important considerations
I respond more openly to questions than statements
I jealously guard my sense of self-agency
I am a romantic
I am an optimist over the long term and a cynic over short term
I distrust compartmentalization
I find it hard to be good to myself when I am not being perfect
I like and want to be loved
I enjoy people
I prefer intimate interactions of many stripes

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

(no subject)

Feelings I prefer:

Joy
Love
Connection
Bloody-minded teeth-gritting adversity in anticipation of success

More truths:

It's hard for me to ask for things for myself
...especially if those things involve vulnerability, especially if I'm asking for niceness or gentleness

When I'm upset I feel an almost moral imperative to keep being upset, but I recognize the silliness in this

I value loyalty

I value support

I believe everything has a true nature, a self-ness
...and learning to appreciate everything for what it is is important to me

My environment influences my feelings. Romantic music makes me feel loving, movies with skinny young people make me feel inadequate, hostility makes me hostile

Time pressure blows my perspective to shit

Some activities make me feel more whole and competent than others

I like predictability quite frequently, but feel constrained by structure

...did I mention I value self-analysis and self-knowledge?

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Inevitability

In the transition from new relationship to more-permanent relationship, there's the Poly Thing.

It's sometimes easier or sometimes harder to negotiate, but either way it's been a long time since I did so.

This instance, in my relationship with Blake, seems to be particularly difficult given the last couple of go rounds. He's smart, he's an arguer and a kick-back-er, he's not nice when he's hurt, and it hasn't taken long for all the skills I learned with Angus and Michael, where I watched my mouth and was gentle, to slide.

I don't like this. I don't like to be mean while I'm doing it, I don't like the feeling I get afterwards. I'm not a wounded animal in the corner of my life anymore; I'm a person who makes choices to share myself in various ways with other people, I'm pretty awesome, and I'm good at enjoying life in a whole variety of circumstances.

saxifrage00 reminded me last night that it helps to be very clear exactly what my position is during these discussions; I can't be clear to anyone else if I'm not clear in my own mind.

In the midst of the noise and pain of Blake's distress, I've been reacting rather than acting; I haven't been able to step back and look clearly at what I want, agree to shared goals, and figure out how to get there. Instead I've had more of the 'ohgodpleasestopallthishurting' reaction which ends up with nothing good or long-term-helpful happening, and myself making bad decisions.

I've taken some time to myself after work today, despite the 'are you punishing me?' questions, to sort my mind out some. I feel clearer than I have in a long time. My relationships tend to happen to me, and this one really has done that, with the result that I really don't know what we both actually want out of it, what he thinks a good long term relationship actually looks like, or any of that jazz. I've been busy with school, I've been caught up in the beginning-feeling, it's all good.

Now I have the opportunity to start the process of making this into a real relationship, of figuring out shared goals and plans and desires, and of co-creating a vision for the future that we can work towards. This is what will make an us-together rather than two very separate very strong-willed stubborn people.

There will be obstacles. I've been here before, though, and this is a strength I'm bringing to the discussion.

Wish me luck, please.