Inevitability

[greenstorm]

In the transition from new relationship to more-permanent relationship, there's the Poly Thing.

It's sometimes easier or sometimes harder to negotiate, but either way it's been a long time since I did so.

This instance, in my relationship with Blake, seems to be particularly difficult given the last couple of go rounds. He's smart, he's an arguer and a kick-back-er, he's not nice when he's hurt, and it hasn't taken long for all the skills I learned with Angus and Michael, where I watched my mouth and was gentle, to slide.

I don't like this. I don't like to be mean while I'm doing it, I don't like the feeling I get afterwards. I'm not a wounded animal in the corner of my life anymore; I'm a person who makes choices to share myself in various ways with other people, I'm pretty awesome, and I'm good at enjoying life in a whole variety of circumstances.

saxifrage00 reminded me last night that it helps to be very clear exactly what my position is during these discussions; I can't be clear to anyone else if I'm not clear in my own mind.

In the midst of the noise and pain of Blake's distress, I've been reacting rather than acting; I haven't been able to step back and look clearly at what I want, agree to shared goals, and figure out how to get there. Instead I've had more of the 'ohgodpleasestopallthishurting' reaction which ends up with nothing good or long-term-helpful happening, and myself making bad decisions.

I've taken some time to myself after work today, despite the 'are you punishing me?' questions, to sort my mind out some. I feel clearer than I have in a long time. My relationships tend to happen to me, and this one really has done that, with the result that I really don't know what we both actually want out of it, what he thinks a good long term relationship actually looks like, or any of that jazz. I've been busy with school, I've been caught up in the beginning-feeling, it's all good.

Now I have the opportunity to start the process of making this into a real relationship, of figuring out shared goals and plans and desires, and of co-creating a vision for the future that we can work towards. This is what will make an us-together rather than two very separate very strong-willed stubborn people.

There will be obstacles. I've been here before, though, and this is a strength I'm bringing to the discussion.

Wish me luck, please.

Comments

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Luck!
XOX