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Usually I'm pretty good at answering when people ask me how I'm doing. Lately? Not so sure.
I'm living a middle-road life right now. I'm a creature of edges. Both sides pull at me, but I have been resisting those pulls and doing... everything? Nothing fully and properly? I think I might not be happy, but I am probably some flavour of restlessly content.
There are days that shine so bright they light up the rest of it. I want to pursue those days, create space for more of them, but I think it means leaving my stability behind. Sometimes I want to pursue stability, but it means leaving all those incandescently bright, cherished, close moments so far in my past I've lost the sense-feel of them. I don't know if it's worth doing that in favour of comfort?
In the last week I worked outside in the rain a lot and got a sweet offer from my current company. Today I'm listening to all the love songs in the world and staring out windows. I journal so little that I've lost the ability to find a single narrative in my life (or maybe I'm too old, and there's too much *stuff* in there to see a picture?)
I want to get married and be single, run up north to work full-time for a year then come back and buy some land and settle in to a monotonous but convenient ten-year career, have a big sprawling home and a tiny clean condo, dive deep into friendships and sample through the huge variety of people I haven't yet met, seduce everyone I see and swear off sex for a couple months, learn new things and consolidate my existing knowledge through total focus.
This is the life-surge coming, rebirth with it, and it could put me anywhere. I can choose where I go, I can steer it, if I only can figure out what I want. I'm out of practice knowing what I want, though.
We'll see where this goes.
I'm living a middle-road life right now. I'm a creature of edges. Both sides pull at me, but I have been resisting those pulls and doing... everything? Nothing fully and properly? I think I might not be happy, but I am probably some flavour of restlessly content.
There are days that shine so bright they light up the rest of it. I want to pursue those days, create space for more of them, but I think it means leaving my stability behind. Sometimes I want to pursue stability, but it means leaving all those incandescently bright, cherished, close moments so far in my past I've lost the sense-feel of them. I don't know if it's worth doing that in favour of comfort?
In the last week I worked outside in the rain a lot and got a sweet offer from my current company. Today I'm listening to all the love songs in the world and staring out windows. I journal so little that I've lost the ability to find a single narrative in my life (or maybe I'm too old, and there's too much *stuff* in there to see a picture?)
I want to get married and be single, run up north to work full-time for a year then come back and buy some land and settle in to a monotonous but convenient ten-year career, have a big sprawling home and a tiny clean condo, dive deep into friendships and sample through the huge variety of people I haven't yet met, seduce everyone I see and swear off sex for a couple months, learn new things and consolidate my existing knowledge through total focus.
This is the life-surge coming, rebirth with it, and it could put me anywhere. I can choose where I go, I can steer it, if I only can figure out what I want. I'm out of practice knowing what I want, though.
We'll see where this goes.
