![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormFrom a private free-write, direct from my brain to the screen:
I don't like needing people, especially people who are already comitted elsewhere. I shouldn't need people, they have enough to do without worrying about me.
And the thing is that I'm pretty good at keeping my needs hidden, or at cutting myself off from the possibility of them getting stronger. I'm definitely starting to feel internal pressure to back off from, like, half my relationships right now because certain of my needs can't be met in them -- the instinctive solution is to cut off any chance of getting the need filled through that route at any, so I don't feel the loss when it occurs per instance.
Thing is, I can't get around that one intellectually. My needs would infringe upon other peoples' needs/happinesses. I really do need to keep them out of this situation or it'll blow up on me. And I think we are talking the kind of poison-stomach double-over-and-whimper sort of needs, which really sucks.
I can't get a reasonable perspective on this at four in the morning. I don't have a lot of time to get myself together though. Some tests are coming up pretty quick.
Be proud of me. I'm stepping into fire here deliberately because I think I'm strong enough to come out the other side, and the other side is where I need to be.
Pray for me, or personal equivalent (post livejournal messages, is that the local equivalent? ;P) that I really am strong enough to do this. I feel just a little bit battered.
And... be gentle to yourself for me. I like you guys all in one piece and smiling, and there are enough hard bits that you deserve something in the spaces between.
I don't like needing people, especially people who are already comitted elsewhere. I shouldn't need people, they have enough to do without worrying about me.
And the thing is that I'm pretty good at keeping my needs hidden, or at cutting myself off from the possibility of them getting stronger. I'm definitely starting to feel internal pressure to back off from, like, half my relationships right now because certain of my needs can't be met in them -- the instinctive solution is to cut off any chance of getting the need filled through that route at any, so I don't feel the loss when it occurs per instance.
Thing is, I can't get around that one intellectually. My needs would infringe upon other peoples' needs/happinesses. I really do need to keep them out of this situation or it'll blow up on me. And I think we are talking the kind of poison-stomach double-over-and-whimper sort of needs, which really sucks.
I can't get a reasonable perspective on this at four in the morning. I don't have a lot of time to get myself together though. Some tests are coming up pretty quick.
Be proud of me. I'm stepping into fire here deliberately because I think I'm strong enough to come out the other side, and the other side is where I need to be.
Pray for me, or personal equivalent (post livejournal messages, is that the local equivalent? ;P) that I really am strong enough to do this. I feel just a little bit battered.
And... be gentle to yourself for me. I like you guys all in one piece and smiling, and there are enough hard bits that you deserve something in the spaces between.
