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greenstormFrom a private free-write, direct from my brain to the screen:
I don't like needing people, especially people who are already comitted elsewhere. I shouldn't need people, they have enough to do without worrying about me.
And the thing is that I'm pretty good at keeping my needs hidden, or at cutting myself off from the possibility of them getting stronger. I'm definitely starting to feel internal pressure to back off from, like, half my relationships right now because certain of my needs can't be met in them -- the instinctive solution is to cut off any chance of getting the need filled through that route at any, so I don't feel the loss when it occurs per instance.
Thing is, I can't get around that one intellectually. My needs would infringe upon other peoples' needs/happinesses. I really do need to keep them out of this situation or it'll blow up on me. And I think we are talking the kind of poison-stomach double-over-and-whimper sort of needs, which really sucks.
I can't get a reasonable perspective on this at four in the morning. I don't have a lot of time to get myself together though. Some tests are coming up pretty quick.
Be proud of me. I'm stepping into fire here deliberately because I think I'm strong enough to come out the other side, and the other side is where I need to be.
Pray for me, or personal equivalent (post livejournal messages, is that the local equivalent? ;P) that I really am strong enough to do this. I feel just a little bit battered.
And... be gentle to yourself for me. I like you guys all in one piece and smiling, and there are enough hard bits that you deserve something in the spaces between.
I don't like needing people, especially people who are already comitted elsewhere. I shouldn't need people, they have enough to do without worrying about me.
And the thing is that I'm pretty good at keeping my needs hidden, or at cutting myself off from the possibility of them getting stronger. I'm definitely starting to feel internal pressure to back off from, like, half my relationships right now because certain of my needs can't be met in them -- the instinctive solution is to cut off any chance of getting the need filled through that route at any, so I don't feel the loss when it occurs per instance.
Thing is, I can't get around that one intellectually. My needs would infringe upon other peoples' needs/happinesses. I really do need to keep them out of this situation or it'll blow up on me. And I think we are talking the kind of poison-stomach double-over-and-whimper sort of needs, which really sucks.
I can't get a reasonable perspective on this at four in the morning. I don't have a lot of time to get myself together though. Some tests are coming up pretty quick.
Be proud of me. I'm stepping into fire here deliberately because I think I'm strong enough to come out the other side, and the other side is where I need to be.
Pray for me, or personal equivalent (post livejournal messages, is that the local equivalent? ;P) that I really am strong enough to do this. I feel just a little bit battered.
And... be gentle to yourself for me. I like you guys all in one piece and smiling, and there are enough hard bits that you deserve something in the spaces between.
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The Space Between
Date: 2003-06-26 01:12 pm (UTC)There's no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love
The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain
But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we're playing
We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain
Will I hold you again?
Will I hold...
Look at us spinning out in
The madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like a devil
In a church in the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love
Is hope we don't take this ship down
The Space Between
Where you're smiling high
Is where you'll find me if I get to go
The Space Between
The bullets in our firefight
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into...
The Space Between
Our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain
Take my hand
'Cause we're walking out of here
Oh, right out of here
Love is all we need here
The Space Between
What's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time
The Space Between...