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Cautiously Spring
Jun. 20th, 2013 07:56 amI've been having a really rough time of it for awhile. I've been ambivalent on work, relationship, home. I've chosen to ride it out for quite some time now, to hand in there and try small changes and persistence, to see if that changes things slowly over time instead of in my usual sudden all-at-once manner.
In some ways it has. I took a volunteer job on a farm one day per week to help me retain some soul through my other (flexible, lovely bosses, pays well enough, has benefits, soul-killingly boring) job. That volunteer job has grown into a (low-paid, high auxillary benefits) paid job of its own, that can soak up a bunch more hours than I'm giving it right now.
Soon my current home will be off the table-- soon in the grand scheme of things, maybe six months to a year in the actual world. I have a lot of choices at this point. I'm thinking about dropping a shipping container on the farm, insulating and homing it up, and living there. It would be mine in a way no rental apartment could be. I could move it with me when things move around. I wouldn't have to fight with a landlord over rats. The 40' high ones are actually pretty roomy compared to a lot of apartments nowadays. I wouldn't have to pay rent, just the original money to get the trailer and get it nice. I would be part of a community but in my own space.
Blake couldn't live there with me; his pile of phobias would get in the way. There would be inconveniences: space heaters or wood stoves, no toilet without going outside, maybe even a more primitive shower system than I'd expect. It would take a lot of work to get up to speed inside. But the thing I worry most about is that I'd disappear even more in people's eyes, into this archetype of impulsive wilderness that people want in their own lives and so they circle me to try and get it.
Funny thing to be most worried about, no?
But I'm excited about this idea, like I haven't been about anything in awhile.
In some ways it has. I took a volunteer job on a farm one day per week to help me retain some soul through my other (flexible, lovely bosses, pays well enough, has benefits, soul-killingly boring) job. That volunteer job has grown into a (low-paid, high auxillary benefits) paid job of its own, that can soak up a bunch more hours than I'm giving it right now.
Soon my current home will be off the table-- soon in the grand scheme of things, maybe six months to a year in the actual world. I have a lot of choices at this point. I'm thinking about dropping a shipping container on the farm, insulating and homing it up, and living there. It would be mine in a way no rental apartment could be. I could move it with me when things move around. I wouldn't have to fight with a landlord over rats. The 40' high ones are actually pretty roomy compared to a lot of apartments nowadays. I wouldn't have to pay rent, just the original money to get the trailer and get it nice. I would be part of a community but in my own space.
Blake couldn't live there with me; his pile of phobias would get in the way. There would be inconveniences: space heaters or wood stoves, no toilet without going outside, maybe even a more primitive shower system than I'd expect. It would take a lot of work to get up to speed inside. But the thing I worry most about is that I'd disappear even more in people's eyes, into this archetype of impulsive wilderness that people want in their own lives and so they circle me to try and get it.
Funny thing to be most worried about, no?
But I'm excited about this idea, like I haven't been about anything in awhile.
