(or: humans are bullshit)

When I was in my last counseling appointment, he asked if I felt less security when I wasn't in a long-term full-time pair-bonded relationship. It's one of the things that stuck with me from the session, that I wanted to chew on a little.

I haven't been doing much chewing. Now my nose is getting forced into it.

At the time I said I felt less secure in my last relationship and maybe what I meant is I felt less safe; I couldn't freely be myself without expecting negative consequences. As for secure, it may be safe to say that I feel secure when I retain control over my time and my feelings, when I know that I am wanted and important to folks, and when situations line up with my expectations. That last is not quite predictability, but not far from it.

And I feel like my task right now is to practice doing what I want to do. It's to say yes when I want a thing, and when I'm uncomfortable with something it's not to put up with it, but is instead to learn to walk away. It's to take control of my time and energy, not to surrender it all to creeping obligation and perceived (or real) expectation.

So: listen to your heart, Greenie. Not to habitual actions. Not to obligations. Not to making people happy. And fergawdsakes, it's okay not to trust folks, and it's okay to ask clear questions, and it's okay to call folks on bullshit. Spend time with people you love, who make you happy, doing things that make you happy (and not weirdly angsty all the time). And you may want to consider re-instituting the two hours max of angst per day thing. You're too tired for this, and you deserve to relax a little.

Neruda doesn't always nail it, but when he does...

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.