Happiness is the art of breaking with least sound

I don't know where these words should start. I want someone to understand and feel like no one will. I feel lonely and I feel invisible.

Last night he cheated on me. And he didn't cheat on me in an "oh sorry" way, it was something I caught from something he said and we had agreed he wouldn't do it. And... sorry was not his first impulse. And when I said "hey you did that thing you said you wouldn't do" then his first impulse wasn't "fuck, I'm so sorry, how can I make this better?" it was "I'll go to sleep beside her now and ignore this" and his second impulse was "of course I can't think when she's taking my pants off"

I am the kind of person who can't think when someone is taking my pants off. But... I've built my entire life around avoiding the situation where that's going to get me in trouble. It's why I'm poly. It's why I have safe sex discussions before the day of when possible. It's why I'm not alone with people I shouldn't sleep with when there's mutual attraction unless I have failsafes. It's why I don't promise I'll tell my partners before I have sex with someone else. It's absolutely and completely the worst excuse to use on me.

And... I had begged him not to give me any more surprises this month. I don't beg easily or often. This next week and a half is really intense, important work with a deadline. It's detail oriented. It demands concentration and focus. We've known this month will be intense and difficult at work since May.

I keep thinking there is some way this is my fault. If I had just done this or that maybe I would be deserving of more consideration. Maybe I would be deserving of more care, and empathy, and the actual manifestation-in-actions of love. If I had just worked harder...

...but I know it's not true, and it doesn't work that way. On some level I know this. The problem is then it hurts even more.

And this relationship is super disrupting my life. This is the second night out out of the last three I completely can't sleep because of some stupid relationship thing. I can't focus at work. I am apprehensive about the future pretty often.

This post was supposed to help me figure out whether I want to continue to be in a relationship with him or not. It hasn't. It's just helped me feel very old and very tired.

Happiness is the art of breaking with least sound

I don't know where these words should start. I want someone to understand and feel like no one will. I feel lonely and I feel invisible.

Last night he cheated on me. And he didn't cheat on me in an "oh sorry" way, it was something I caught from something he said and we had agreed he wouldn't do it. And... sorry was not his first impulse. And when I said "hey you did that thing you said you wouldn't do" then his first impulse wasn't "fuck, I'm so sorry, how can I make this better?" it was "I'll go to sleep beside her now and ignore this" and his second impulse was "of course I can't think when she's taking my pants off"

I am the kind of person who can't think when someone is taking my pants off. But... I've built my entire life around avoiding the situation where that's going to get me in trouble. It's why I'm poly. It's why I have safe sex discussions before the day of when possible. It's why I'm not alone with people I shouldn't sleep with when there's mutual attraction unless I have failsafes. It's why I don't promise I'll tell my partners before I have sex with someone else. It's absolutely and completely the worst excuse to use on me.

And... I had begged him not to give me any more surprises this month. I don't beg easily or often. This next week and a half is really intense, important work with a deadline. It's detail oriented. It demands concentration and focus. We've known this month will be intense and difficult at work since May.

I keep thinking there is some way this is my fault. If I had just done this or that maybe I would be deserving of more consideration. Maybe I would be deserving of more care, and empathy, and the actual manifestation-in-actions of love. If I had just worked harder...

...but I know it's not true, and it doesn't work that way. On some level I know this. The problem is then it hurts even more.

And this relationship is super disrupting my life. This is the second night out out of the last three I completely can't sleep because of some stupid relationship thing. I can't focus at work. I am apprehensive about the future pretty often.

This post was supposed to help me figure out whether I want to continue to be in a relationship with him or not. It hasn't. It's just helped me feel very old and very tired.