First Frost

First frost was yesterday, Sept 15th. It was a pretty light frost, even the beans and tomatoes survived although their leaf edges got nipped. There was definitely frost when I went outside though.

Almost done the canning push for this year. Then I can start on firewood, fencing, and picking up the yard.

It feels pretty good?

First Frost

First frost was yesterday, Sept 15th. It was a pretty light frost, even the beans and tomatoes survived although their leaf edges got nipped. There was definitely frost when I went outside though.

Almost done the canning push for this year. Then I can start on firewood, fencing, and picking up the yard.

It feels pretty good?

Dirty Unveiling

Well, I've been struggling with some things the last little while.

One of them is gender.

I'd been hoping to kind of... keep this cat in the bag for as long as possible, I guess? Because often the more you get used to being treated well around something, the harder it is to go back to the world where you're treated poorly. So I knew there was stuff there, but I've been leaving it be.

A bunch of things happened last weekend that mean it's much more difficult to let be. Lots of tiny things, mostly coincidental. Or, maybe they're not that tiny.

A was up for a long weekend. His other partner is non-binary and he's respectful of their pronouns. But. There's a dynamic and I'm not sure how to describe it. I dated him a long time ago when there was no other option for me than female. I don't think it's carryover from that. But sex is very specifically absolutely the place where I feel least like a "woman", where I feel like my assigned gender fits me well. I am pretty good with the physical parts that make up my body. That's not the issue. The issue is that if I feel like my partner is having sex with while thinking of me as a woman I feel some combination of turned off, buried in a deep dark hole somewhere, and violated.

Those are some pretty strong words. It can be a pretty strong feeling.

And the thing is, I don't really know what it is that sets off this feeling or this dynamic. Certainly the very traditional woman-as-sex-vending-machine dynamic does it, but there's also more than that.

And I don't have this feeling or this dynamic with Tucker, instead with him I just feel like we're people doing neat things to each other's bodies even if it just looks like super traditional PIV-roll over-snuggle-sleep.

But I pretty much have felt this dynamic with everyone else for the last couple years. And I definitely feel it with A. And I don't know enough about it to really pull it out and know how to deal with it: can I ask him to avoid or do things? Can I avoid or do things myself? Will it pass with time?

So anyhow, he went home yesterday and I was listening to a podcast where some non-binary folks were talking about events that were "no cis-men" or "women, non-binary, femmes, and trans folks only" and one line came through: "they want people they think of as women". That really encapsulated a feeling I've got from the queer folks I know generally, which is basically that you're welcome if you're at least some kind of woman-ish in their secret minds. And that's why I don't go to those. I'm no longer playing that part, no matter how they want to be deniable to themselves.

And then I wandered back to work and there's an email about my large government body doing inclusiveness week. I read through an awful lot of materials, folks, and inclusiveness for women was celebrated, also there was indigenous and disability mention. Nothing for what maybe they'd call "gender diverse" individuals. There are roughly 30k people working for this entity. It'd be nice to have a group, like they have groups for people who do fitness or are racialized in specific ways or who like birdwatching. But, crickets.

And pronouns aren't where all this lives for me. I don't get more validation out of being called "they" than I do "she" or "he". I mean, I'd actually enjoy if folks could randomize their pronouns for me, but that's confusing and not gonna happen. So I don't have that easy band-aid fix. To be perfectly honest "it" would be great, but I am not going to fight that fight with anyone.

And the masculine parts of me definitely respond to every "men are trash" or whatnot that I see, so there's that.

Now that A is gone, I spent the night with Tucker and recalibrated, I'm just me in my space again and I'm feeling much better. But.

You know, I was talking about it being hard on the weekend and A asked if I'd rather this wasn't part of my makeup, if I wished I didn't have this off-norm bit. And of course I don't wish that. All the pieces that make me up work synergistically to create this powerful, harmonious, meaningful-feeling life. I can't imagine that I'd relate to the natural world, to humans, or even to my own culture in as satisfying a way if I were gender-siloed. What I feel like, though, is that sometimes the world fits me poorly, like when you buy the wrong pair of shoes you don't wish your feet were smaller but instead you wish you had shoes that fit. I'd like to see the world made a better, gentler fit for everyone.

So anyhow, that's a bit traumatic right now.

Dirty Unveiling

Well, I've been struggling with some things the last little while.

One of them is gender.

I'd been hoping to kind of... keep this cat in the bag for as long as possible, I guess? Because often the more you get used to being treated well around something, the harder it is to go back to the world where you're treated poorly. So I knew there was stuff there, but I've been leaving it be.

A bunch of things happened last weekend that mean it's much more difficult to let be. Lots of tiny things, mostly coincidental. Or, maybe they're not that tiny.

A was up for a long weekend. His other partner is non-binary and he's respectful of their pronouns. But. There's a dynamic and I'm not sure how to describe it. I dated him a long time ago when there was no other option for me than female. I don't think it's carryover from that. But sex is very specifically absolutely the place where I feel least like a "woman", where I feel like my assigned gender fits me well. I am pretty good with the physical parts that make up my body. That's not the issue. The issue is that if I feel like my partner is having sex with while thinking of me as a woman I feel some combination of turned off, buried in a deep dark hole somewhere, and violated.

Those are some pretty strong words. It can be a pretty strong feeling.

And the thing is, I don't really know what it is that sets off this feeling or this dynamic. Certainly the very traditional woman-as-sex-vending-machine dynamic does it, but there's also more than that.

And I don't have this feeling or this dynamic with Tucker, instead with him I just feel like we're people doing neat things to each other's bodies even if it just looks like super traditional PIV-roll over-snuggle-sleep.

But I pretty much have felt this dynamic with everyone else for the last couple years. And I definitely feel it with A. And I don't know enough about it to really pull it out and know how to deal with it: can I ask him to avoid or do things? Can I avoid or do things myself? Will it pass with time?

So anyhow, he went home yesterday and I was listening to a podcast where some non-binary folks were talking about events that were "no cis-men" or "women, non-binary, femmes, and trans folks only" and one line came through: "they want people they think of as women". That really encapsulated a feeling I've got from the queer folks I know generally, which is basically that you're welcome if you're at least some kind of woman-ish in their secret minds. And that's why I don't go to those. I'm no longer playing that part, no matter how they want to be deniable to themselves.

And then I wandered back to work and there's an email about my large government body doing inclusiveness week. I read through an awful lot of materials, folks, and inclusiveness for women was celebrated, also there was indigenous and disability mention. Nothing for what maybe they'd call "gender diverse" individuals. There are roughly 30k people working for this entity. It'd be nice to have a group, like they have groups for people who do fitness or are racialized in specific ways or who like birdwatching. But, crickets.

And pronouns aren't where all this lives for me. I don't get more validation out of being called "they" than I do "she" or "he". I mean, I'd actually enjoy if folks could randomize their pronouns for me, but that's confusing and not gonna happen. So I don't have that easy band-aid fix. To be perfectly honest "it" would be great, but I am not going to fight that fight with anyone.

And the masculine parts of me definitely respond to every "men are trash" or whatnot that I see, so there's that.

Now that A is gone, I spent the night with Tucker and recalibrated, I'm just me in my space again and I'm feeling much better. But.

You know, I was talking about it being hard on the weekend and A asked if I'd rather this wasn't part of my makeup, if I wished I didn't have this off-norm bit. And of course I don't wish that. All the pieces that make me up work synergistically to create this powerful, harmonious, meaningful-feeling life. I can't imagine that I'd relate to the natural world, to humans, or even to my own culture in as satisfying a way if I were gender-siloed. What I feel like, though, is that sometimes the world fits me poorly, like when you buy the wrong pair of shoes you don't wish your feet were smaller but instead you wish you had shoes that fit. I'd like to see the world made a better, gentler fit for everyone.

So anyhow, that's a bit traumatic right now.

Bear time

The neighbour let me know she saw a sow with three (!) cubs in her yard at our fenceline this morning.

I wonder if this is the same bear from last year?

Three cubs is a lot to support. It's been a great berry year so hopefully they'll go light on my place.

I need to get all the apples in and hide even empty garbage cans tonight.

Bear time

The neighbour let me know she saw a sow with three (!) cubs in her yard at our fenceline this morning.

I wonder if this is the same bear from last year?

Three cubs is a lot to support. It's been a great berry year so hopefully they'll go light on my place.

I need to get all the apples in and hide even empty garbage cans tonight.

Lull

The apples are all either in the house, fed to the pigs, or on the ground for the geese -- and the geese were making good work of them, the hope is they'd be gone by late evening/morning.

The last of the 50lbs of tomatoes from this weekend are in the canner in "stewed vegetables", better known as Minnesota Mix. The canner's just starting to steam, soon I'll set the timer for ten minutes, close the vent, and let it come up to pressure.

I have roughly 2.5 5-gallon buckets of tomatoes in the laundry room. 2 of those are just what the pigs have been unearthing; they got pretty serious about digging today and I was worried, so I went over after doing the apples and started digging potatoes in the last little bit of light. I got maybe six feet of one row before it got dark and filled half a bucket. I don't think it'll all be like that, but... I do have roughly a hundred foot of row.

There's a cat sleeping beside me and the rabbit is watching me type with her ears upright. Downstairs the fire has gone out; it's still warm enough that after a day it gets too hot with the woodstove on. I'm letting it go a day or two to soak into the thermal mass of the basement, then off a day or two running on canning heat and thermal mass. It'll be like that until we're well below freezing probably.

Outside Thea is working hard to keep the bears away; I can hear her barking along the fenceline at intervals. I should give her a treat in the morning, she's been exhausted lately when I wake up and this is probably why.

All that's left of really pressing canning season is apples and hot sauce. Well, and sauerkraut and the potatoes that won't keep. The pantry shelves are groaning right now under all the pasta sauce, pickles, and whatnot in there.

I'll need to get more jars for the pig killing; I want to make chili with the extras there.

It's getting dark so early these days. The equinox is almost upon us. Once more down the slide into the beckoning dark, and then eventually up the other side.

I think I'm content.

Lull

The apples are all either in the house, fed to the pigs, or on the ground for the geese -- and the geese were making good work of them, the hope is they'd be gone by late evening/morning.

The last of the 50lbs of tomatoes from this weekend are in the canner in "stewed vegetables", better known as Minnesota Mix. The canner's just starting to steam, soon I'll set the timer for ten minutes, close the vent, and let it come up to pressure.

I have roughly 2.5 5-gallon buckets of tomatoes in the laundry room. 2 of those are just what the pigs have been unearthing; they got pretty serious about digging today and I was worried, so I went over after doing the apples and started digging potatoes in the last little bit of light. I got maybe six feet of one row before it got dark and filled half a bucket. I don't think it'll all be like that, but... I do have roughly a hundred foot of row.

There's a cat sleeping beside me and the rabbit is watching me type with her ears upright. Downstairs the fire has gone out; it's still warm enough that after a day it gets too hot with the woodstove on. I'm letting it go a day or two to soak into the thermal mass of the basement, then off a day or two running on canning heat and thermal mass. It'll be like that until we're well below freezing probably.

Outside Thea is working hard to keep the bears away; I can hear her barking along the fenceline at intervals. I should give her a treat in the morning, she's been exhausted lately when I wake up and this is probably why.

All that's left of really pressing canning season is apples and hot sauce. Well, and sauerkraut and the potatoes that won't keep. The pantry shelves are groaning right now under all the pasta sauce, pickles, and whatnot in there.

I'll need to get more jars for the pig killing; I want to make chili with the extras there.

It's getting dark so early these days. The equinox is almost upon us. Once more down the slide into the beckoning dark, and then eventually up the other side.

I think I'm content.