Dirty Unveiling
Sep. 16th, 2020 01:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormWell, I've been struggling with some things the last little while.
One of them is gender.
I'd been hoping to kind of... keep this cat in the bag for as long as possible, I guess? Because often the more you get used to being treated well around something, the harder it is to go back to the world where you're treated poorly. So I knew there was stuff there, but I've been leaving it be.
A bunch of things happened last weekend that mean it's much more difficult to let be. Lots of tiny things, mostly coincidental. Or, maybe they're not that tiny.
A was up for a long weekend. His other partner is non-binary and he's respectful of their pronouns. But. There's a dynamic and I'm not sure how to describe it. I dated him a long time ago when there was no other option for me than female. I don't think it's carryover from that. But sex is very specifically absolutely the place where I feel least like a "woman", where I feel like my assigned gender fits me well. I am pretty good with the physical parts that make up my body. That's not the issue. The issue is that if I feel like my partner is having sex with while thinking of me as a woman I feel some combination of turned off, buried in a deep dark hole somewhere, and violated.
Those are some pretty strong words. It can be a pretty strong feeling.
And the thing is, I don't really know what it is that sets off this feeling or this dynamic. Certainly the very traditional woman-as-sex-vending-machine dynamic does it, but there's also more than that.
And I don't have this feeling or this dynamic with Tucker, instead with him I just feel like we're people doing neat things to each other's bodies even if it just looks like super traditional PIV-roll over-snuggle-sleep.
But I pretty much have felt this dynamic with everyone else for the last couple years. And I definitely feel it with A. And I don't know enough about it to really pull it out and know how to deal with it: can I ask him to avoid or do things? Can I avoid or do things myself? Will it pass with time?
So anyhow, he went home yesterday and I was listening to a podcast where some non-binary folks were talking about events that were "no cis-men" or "women, non-binary, femmes, and trans folks only" and one line came through: "they want people they think of as women". That really encapsulated a feeling I've got from the queer folks I know generally, which is basically that you're welcome if you're at least some kind of woman-ish in their secret minds. And that's why I don't go to those. I'm no longer playing that part, no matter how they want to be deniable to themselves.
And then I wandered back to work and there's an email about my large government body doing inclusiveness week. I read through an awful lot of materials, folks, and inclusiveness for women was celebrated, also there was indigenous and disability mention. Nothing for what maybe they'd call "gender diverse" individuals. There are roughly 30k people working for this entity. It'd be nice to have a group, like they have groups for people who do fitness or are racialized in specific ways or who like birdwatching. But, crickets.
And pronouns aren't where all this lives for me. I don't get more validation out of being called "they" than I do "she" or "he". I mean, I'd actually enjoy if folks could randomize their pronouns for me, but that's confusing and not gonna happen. So I don't have that easy band-aid fix. To be perfectly honest "it" would be great, but I am not going to fight that fight with anyone.
And the masculine parts of me definitely respond to every "men are trash" or whatnot that I see, so there's that.
Now that A is gone, I spent the night with Tucker and recalibrated, I'm just me in my space again and I'm feeling much better. But.
You know, I was talking about it being hard on the weekend and A asked if I'd rather this wasn't part of my makeup, if I wished I didn't have this off-norm bit. And of course I don't wish that. All the pieces that make me up work synergistically to create this powerful, harmonious, meaningful-feeling life. I can't imagine that I'd relate to the natural world, to humans, or even to my own culture in as satisfying a way if I were gender-siloed. What I feel like, though, is that sometimes the world fits me poorly, like when you buy the wrong pair of shoes you don't wish your feet were smaller but instead you wish you had shoes that fit. I'd like to see the world made a better, gentler fit for everyone.
So anyhow, that's a bit traumatic right now.
One of them is gender.
I'd been hoping to kind of... keep this cat in the bag for as long as possible, I guess? Because often the more you get used to being treated well around something, the harder it is to go back to the world where you're treated poorly. So I knew there was stuff there, but I've been leaving it be.
A bunch of things happened last weekend that mean it's much more difficult to let be. Lots of tiny things, mostly coincidental. Or, maybe they're not that tiny.
A was up for a long weekend. His other partner is non-binary and he's respectful of their pronouns. But. There's a dynamic and I'm not sure how to describe it. I dated him a long time ago when there was no other option for me than female. I don't think it's carryover from that. But sex is very specifically absolutely the place where I feel least like a "woman", where I feel like my assigned gender fits me well. I am pretty good with the physical parts that make up my body. That's not the issue. The issue is that if I feel like my partner is having sex with while thinking of me as a woman I feel some combination of turned off, buried in a deep dark hole somewhere, and violated.
Those are some pretty strong words. It can be a pretty strong feeling.
And the thing is, I don't really know what it is that sets off this feeling or this dynamic. Certainly the very traditional woman-as-sex-vending-machine dynamic does it, but there's also more than that.
And I don't have this feeling or this dynamic with Tucker, instead with him I just feel like we're people doing neat things to each other's bodies even if it just looks like super traditional PIV-roll over-snuggle-sleep.
But I pretty much have felt this dynamic with everyone else for the last couple years. And I definitely feel it with A. And I don't know enough about it to really pull it out and know how to deal with it: can I ask him to avoid or do things? Can I avoid or do things myself? Will it pass with time?
So anyhow, he went home yesterday and I was listening to a podcast where some non-binary folks were talking about events that were "no cis-men" or "women, non-binary, femmes, and trans folks only" and one line came through: "they want people they think of as women". That really encapsulated a feeling I've got from the queer folks I know generally, which is basically that you're welcome if you're at least some kind of woman-ish in their secret minds. And that's why I don't go to those. I'm no longer playing that part, no matter how they want to be deniable to themselves.
And then I wandered back to work and there's an email about my large government body doing inclusiveness week. I read through an awful lot of materials, folks, and inclusiveness for women was celebrated, also there was indigenous and disability mention. Nothing for what maybe they'd call "gender diverse" individuals. There are roughly 30k people working for this entity. It'd be nice to have a group, like they have groups for people who do fitness or are racialized in specific ways or who like birdwatching. But, crickets.
And pronouns aren't where all this lives for me. I don't get more validation out of being called "they" than I do "she" or "he". I mean, I'd actually enjoy if folks could randomize their pronouns for me, but that's confusing and not gonna happen. So I don't have that easy band-aid fix. To be perfectly honest "it" would be great, but I am not going to fight that fight with anyone.
And the masculine parts of me definitely respond to every "men are trash" or whatnot that I see, so there's that.
Now that A is gone, I spent the night with Tucker and recalibrated, I'm just me in my space again and I'm feeling much better. But.
You know, I was talking about it being hard on the weekend and A asked if I'd rather this wasn't part of my makeup, if I wished I didn't have this off-norm bit. And of course I don't wish that. All the pieces that make me up work synergistically to create this powerful, harmonious, meaningful-feeling life. I can't imagine that I'd relate to the natural world, to humans, or even to my own culture in as satisfying a way if I were gender-siloed. What I feel like, though, is that sometimes the world fits me poorly, like when you buy the wrong pair of shoes you don't wish your feet were smaller but instead you wish you had shoes that fit. I'd like to see the world made a better, gentler fit for everyone.
So anyhow, that's a bit traumatic right now.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-17 02:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-09-17 04:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-09-18 10:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-09-17 10:41 pm (UTC)i am happy to randomize your pronouns in my head, insofar as that may help.