Recording Autism Month Posts

I wanted to write some on the idea being "a little bit autistic" but I haven't been finding good words.

Very briefly, saying that seems to be pretty invalidating. Autism is when folks lie so far outside the norm in multiple specific areas that it's reasonable for them to expect punishment from our society -- that's people like you and me -- for letting their guard down and being genuine. Autistic folks have generally experienced a great deal of stigma and rejection around their essential way of being in the world, leading to trauma and alienation. So when you say "everyone is a little autistic" you're missing the forest for the trees, you're missing the intensity of the difference being expressed, and you are essentially not believing the level of work these folks are doing during their day-to-day to seem normal to you, because they're being successful in this work. They've been doing this work all their lives. That front of everything actually being ok? Probably not real.

However. It's super common for autistic and neurodiverse folks to run in packs. It's generally more difficult for communication across the neurodiverse/neurotypical divide than it is within each group.
And so if you're looking at the list of autistic traits and thinking: but everyone has to pretend all the time! No one ever feels seen or comfortable around people and society! The wrong sensory input really is disabling, akin to pain, for everyone! And so on, when an autistic person is describing their experiences, if you relate to having those experiences at a disabling and unbelieved-by-others level, if you're dismissing it because you feel the same way and others dismissed you...

...no, not everyone has that experience. Lots of folks don't! And might I recommend hopping on to an autistic adult fb group and listening for a bit, or watching a bunch of videos, or finding writing by #actuallyautistic folks, and maybe realizing you're not as alone as you thought.

Written on my phone keyboard, oof.

Recording Autism Month Posts

I wanted to write some on the idea being "a little bit autistic" but I haven't been finding good words.

Very briefly, saying that seems to be pretty invalidating. Autism is when folks lie so far outside the norm in multiple specific areas that it's reasonable for them to expect punishment from our society -- that's people like you and me -- for letting their guard down and being genuine. Autistic folks have generally experienced a great deal of stigma and rejection around their essential way of being in the world, leading to trauma and alienation. So when you say "everyone is a little autistic" you're missing the forest for the trees, you're missing the intensity of the difference being expressed, and you are essentially not believing the level of work these folks are doing during their day-to-day to seem normal to you, because they're being successful in this work. They've been doing this work all their lives. That front of everything actually being ok? Probably not real.

However. It's super common for autistic and neurodiverse folks to run in packs. It's generally more difficult for communication across the neurodiverse/neurotypical divide than it is within each group.
And so if you're looking at the list of autistic traits and thinking: but everyone has to pretend all the time! No one ever feels seen or comfortable around people and society! The wrong sensory input really is disabling, akin to pain, for everyone! And so on, when an autistic person is describing their experiences, if you relate to having those experiences at a disabling and unbelieved-by-others level, if you're dismissing it because you feel the same way and others dismissed you...

...no, not everyone has that experience. Lots of folks don't! And might I recommend hopping on to an autistic adult fb group and listening for a bit, or watching a bunch of videos, or finding writing by #actuallyautistic folks, and maybe realizing you're not as alone as you thought.

Written on my phone keyboard, oof.

More FB posts on autism

Most folks' first image of someone with autism is a straight white geeky guy who's a huge jerk. I won't reference the fictional TV shows. IMO they don't deserve it.

In reality gender diversity and autistic folks go together: there's a high correlation between autism and being trans, non-heterosexual, gender-nonconforming, etc. Some folks say that's because autistic folks already lie outside social norms, so they need to question them, and they're more likely to reject them. Other folks say that implied social pressures are less effective on autistic folks so they're more likely to accept these differences in themselves, so the autistic population reflects the true prevalence of various gender stuff that neurotypical folks hide even from themselves.

Either way, gender has a profound effect on autism diagnoses. There is a lot written and spoken about autism in women and how it presents differently than in men-- autism's social differences tend to be turned inwards and hidden rather than turned outwards where they bother people. We only tend to diagnose people who bother us; our model cares much less about folks who only harm themselves, at least until they harm themselves enough that they can't function. What was originally -- and still all too often is -- called the "female presentation" of autism is inward-turning like that. I'm including a list of these underdiagnosed traits here.

This type of presentation was first understood as applied to women and named the "female type". In my own life I'm still rebounding from the experience of "supposed to be a woman" and my response tends to be to the gender category rather than the content being presented about autism. Still, the basic diagnostic criteria and expected autistic behaviours tend to be seen when they manifest as written in men. They are less looked-for in women and so they are less seen. The "women's" autistic presentation is common in women, and also present in men, non-binary, and other-gendered folks and leads to later and less likely diagnosis or discovery.

I'm still very new to learning about all this. A huge percentage of autistic folks are nonbinary. I have real trouble tracking down their voices. If you would like to give me a gift, track down a writing or a video or something by a nonbinary autistic person and link it to me please?

In the meantime here's the "unofficial autism in women" checklist (more properly, less-diagnosed autistic traits) and some women talking about this other type of autism:

https://the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist/

https://youtu.be/P3ohpP5q3m0

https://youtu.be/YAhQJ08bzgs

More FB posts on autism

Most folks' first image of someone with autism is a straight white geeky guy who's a huge jerk. I won't reference the fictional TV shows. IMO they don't deserve it.

In reality gender diversity and autistic folks go together: there's a high correlation between autism and being trans, non-heterosexual, gender-nonconforming, etc. Some folks say that's because autistic folks already lie outside social norms, so they need to question them, and they're more likely to reject them. Other folks say that implied social pressures are less effective on autistic folks so they're more likely to accept these differences in themselves, so the autistic population reflects the true prevalence of various gender stuff that neurotypical folks hide even from themselves.

Either way, gender has a profound effect on autism diagnoses. There is a lot written and spoken about autism in women and how it presents differently than in men-- autism's social differences tend to be turned inwards and hidden rather than turned outwards where they bother people. We only tend to diagnose people who bother us; our model cares much less about folks who only harm themselves, at least until they harm themselves enough that they can't function. What was originally -- and still all too often is -- called the "female presentation" of autism is inward-turning like that. I'm including a list of these underdiagnosed traits here.

This type of presentation was first understood as applied to women and named the "female type". In my own life I'm still rebounding from the experience of "supposed to be a woman" and my response tends to be to the gender category rather than the content being presented about autism. Still, the basic diagnostic criteria and expected autistic behaviours tend to be seen when they manifest as written in men. They are less looked-for in women and so they are less seen. The "women's" autistic presentation is common in women, and also present in men, non-binary, and other-gendered folks and leads to later and less likely diagnosis or discovery.

I'm still very new to learning about all this. A huge percentage of autistic folks are nonbinary. I have real trouble tracking down their voices. If you would like to give me a gift, track down a writing or a video or something by a nonbinary autistic person and link it to me please?

In the meantime here's the "unofficial autism in women" checklist (more properly, less-diagnosed autistic traits) and some women talking about this other type of autism:

https://the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist/

https://youtu.be/P3ohpP5q3m0

https://youtu.be/YAhQJ08bzgs

Counseling win #582856284636598686472718

Talking about The Problematic Double Metamour Issue with my counselor, and she said: how will you feel in this situation you're anticipating? And I said: angry, resentful, violated.

Later she said: you could talk to your partners about this beforehand, you don't have to wait till it comes up. That might help you feel more supported when the event happens.

Actually pretty funny, that I'd need to be told to tell my partners how I feel. But, I did need to hear it. Because I've been told so many times that if I have any issues relating to a partner having other partners, if I have any negative feelings or thoughts about that, if I share them I don't deserve to be told about those metamours or about the happier moments in those relationships or anything like that. That I deserve to be in a dadt relationship rather than an openly poly one.

So, when I feel this way I don't access support from my partners, I don't feel seen, but I still try to provide support to my partners. Thus, resentful. Taken advantage of. Unseen plus hurt plus giving, that's a feeling of violation.

My anger tries to push my boundaries back to a safe or comfortable place.

In this case anger can just be used as the energy to tell my partner how I'm feeling, and to ask for what I need: to reach out for that connection past the legacy of being told it's not ok to share this part of myself.

If the partner rejects this part of myself, I can deal with that situation when it comes to it. I don't need to hide myself in order to be an easier poly 101 experience. I can practice focusing on communicating my own feelings and frame them as such, and if that's read as an attack/feeds into someone's poly guilt I'm with people I trust to work through that with me.