Threshold

I've been really shattered at the idea of leaving Threshold, my home, the place I love and that loves me. I have been living in that grief and, like all grief, it's hard and it hurts and it's shattering and, oh. It's just hard.

So I pulled out my deck a little last night and talked to her. She said it's ok, that I'll be ok, that grief changes us but that we exist in life to be changed.

I had been thinking I might not be able to do this, but maybe I can.

I don't know. This is hard. I love my land.

Witness

It's been hard. Last night Tucker was over, and it was hard, and it was ok. I was hurting, I was in my home, and I was loved and able to talk to someone who could see me, and who could validate my sense of myself and the way I form connections.

It means so much to me.

Not too many years ago Tucker & I had a dynamic where it didn't feel comfortable for me to share my hurt around anything he was even tangentially connected to. He self-blamed, he got kind of frantic, it wasn't ok. He goes away to do his internal work so I don't know what that process is like for him, how much it's struggle, how much energy it's taking, or how rewarding it feels to him to engage in it week after week after month after year. It's easy for me to forget that work is going on in the background; I'm always talking about my insides.

So to have something like last night occur, where I really needed him and he showed up so well, in exactly the way I needed, where he could comfort me when I was falling apart--

It's very precious to me.

I still don't know what the bigger picture is supposed to be like between us and maybe I never will, but there are so many precious moments, and there is so much care and love.