Intention

Counseling shortly with my PDA counselor. Things have been such a mess lately, I need to come into this one with some serious intention so as not to get bogged down.

What's most on my mind?

Basically how do I know how much to bend myself to deal with people? Specifically I think I'm trying to sort out lying for folks, which I hate to do.

This includes how to cope with how uncomfortable I am with the clusterfuck between J and K and whether I should get out of that whole scene, how to handle people who ask "are you ok?" and I either have to lie or else I say no and then spend the next half hour comforting them because they had no plan lined up for that answer, and how to handle my boss who offers to lessen my workload but refuses to take on anything I ask of him and then turns around and asks for feedback and how things are going - I'm guessing it's not ok to say "shitty, because you keep saying you're going to help and never do so maybe knock that off".

If that somehow gets resolved quickly enough, or gets bogged down, I need to build some way of doing transitions that doesn't hurt me. When Tucker comes and leaves, when I leave a visit, even going from a phone call or a video call to my own time: those are difficult for me. Most counselors are kind of fluffy about that sort of thing but this one will probably have actual practical advice.

"I love you on purpose"

This is what I'm missing in my life right now. There was a meme floating around with the phrase "I love you on purpose".

I've always had a battle with the way I needed to make myself convenient for someone (some masking, but not only that) for them to keep giving me care. Making life easier for people is a huge love language for me, and it's always been hard to disentangle folks who find me easy and pleasant to have in their life from ones who actually are willing to stay in my life with intention.

Moving up North was such a departure from being convenient. It was amazing to see who stayed, and who left. During the pandemic a lot of contact suddenly became easy or convenient again, everyone was online and Tucker figured he might as well stay up here since there wasn't much to do down there. Now that contact isn't convenient again and things can be let to lapse.

I've always been intentional about my connections. Most folks aren't. Most folks "fall" in love, not to say love isn't its own blessing given but it's sure possible to control the depth. Then because folks are in love they do a bunch of random stuff that feels good but isn't necessarily designed to support the well-being of that love, the longevity of it, the best interests of any of the people involved. So I guess to distinguish between the emotion of love and the action of love, a lot of folks don't sit themselves down and think through what loving someone on purpose -- with purpose -- looks like. It's an emotional accident that dictates actions and there's no volition involved.

Sure it's nice to have someone have emotions towards me, but what I need right now is that purpose. It's something I know I have from Josh; he will make the connection happen, and do what it takes to maintain it. I'm not sure how much I have it from anyone else in my life right now; I think not so much.

It is, I suppose, what I am looking for from the folks who I'll be emotionally intimate with: I don't need it from everyone, but I need it from some folks, and until the deficit is made up I need to keep my distance from everyone else because I resent not having it from them.

Oh

Housing Shortage

I tried to live small.
I took a narrow bed.
I held my elbows to my sides.
I tried to step carefully
And to think softly
And to breathe shallowly
In my portion of air
And to disturb no one.

Yet see how I spread out and I cannot help it.
I take to myself more and more, and I take nothing
That I do not need, but my needs grow like weeds,
All over and invading; I clutter this place
With all the apparatus of living.
You stumble over it daily.

And then my lungs take their fill.
And then you gasp for air.

Excuse me for living,
But, since I am living,
Given inches, I take yards,
Taking yards, dream of miles,
And a landscape, unbounded
And vast in abandon.

You too dreaming of the same.



And a second, untitled

Here’s an old list.

Things I’m not sure if I’m good at them anymore:
• Being needed
• Remembering birthdays
• Knowing what I’m good at exactly
• Allowing myself to do what I really want to do
• Protecting myself from vulnerability
• Being excited about everything
• Losing my fear of being wrong
• Knowing where people hurt

Naomi Replansky

Evening Devotion

Ok, let's try counting a couple blessings before bed for awhile. Science says that helps, and it's not wise to neglect one's blessings.

My back pasture is really coming back to diversity with the geese grazing it, and having been indoors a little, as opposed to it having been I think mowed before I was here and cows before that. Strawberries and meadow rue and cornus canadensis and paintbrush and columbine have joined the chives, arnica, and white violets in blooming. Soon the rises will be out.

My close folks take great care to be explicit in communicating with me. It feels important and cared-for, or rather I do.

I might be able to squeak in a round of gaspe before frost if I figure this out real soon now? I have a lot more garden space now.

Shower and then a bed feels nice.

Two new goslings showed up today and it looks like the whole flock is protecting so they may survive the crows.

A coworker invited me for supper next week. It's nice to feel wanted?