Yup

Well, the telework contract at work has the following language:

8. On-site visits
The employee agrees that joint on-site safety and suitability visits by the employer and OSH committee representatives may be performed prior to the commencement of telework and then on a regular basis, with advance notice. These visits will be to ensure that the home office meets basic safety standards and the designated home office is suitable for the tasks to be performed by the employee.

Other on-site visits may also be made for the purpose of retrieving equipment and other Employer property in the event of the employee’s illness, termination, or any other extraordinary circumstances.

Loaded

Another part of the PDA experience is that the more I cover it up and act reasonable, the more the energy builds. I got that wording for the telework agreement this morning and was literally in panicky tears, which-- I can't do that two weeks in a row. So I called a counselor, talked myself down, got some validation that it seemed like an overstep, contacted the union and the diversity and inclusion office. I can't contact my boss to see if video/photos are ok because he's on vacation; until I get him to agree to that I'm not "safe" so all of the rest of this is either masking reasonably "I'm not sure if you're aware... I'm contacting you to better understand my options" or just emotional exhaustion.

But regardless of what else is going on, this pressure remains (and will remain to a lesser extent as a background threat even if they agree to a one-off exception for me) and the pressure builds. Last week the escape I was envisioning was a new job; this week it's moving to a new province and posting all this publicly on every possible forum.

It's been decades since I've learned I can't act on this sort of thing when I'm feeling it, but not acting does feel an awful lot like holding back the ocean with my bare hands. Luckily I'm good at that.

Just here

Tucker was here for a brief weekend visit.

He's doing really well. And I don't mean that he's happy, necessarily. He's taking up space in the world, including the space that is Tucker-shaped and which he was terrified of before. It's really good to see.

It was really good to have him here too. I haven't been in word space lately, and with him especially (maybe him only, frequently) if I can't do words I can still feel safe and connected. All those little check-ins and feeling-cared-for communications can come through the body and don't have to be laboriously strung into justifications and explanations and grasping for enough precision that someone can figure out what I want, and then there's still interpreting their response.

Then, because I didn't have to talk, I could, and that was nice too.

We watched Sandman. It was.. I can see why a lot of geeky folks imprinted on it in their teenage years, I guess?

We talked a little bit about relationship and future stuff. He doesn't know anything, to let me know. I let him know, as I've done in the past, that I'll keep doing the parts of this which serve me but that I'm not committing time or energy to it without an answering commitment, and he understands that now I think.

He made sure that the visit didn't financially overextend me, which I appreciated a great deal.

It was really good. This is how the best long distance relationships are; a string of jewels that adorn my life rather than being integral to it.

Raspberries

I didn't have lunch today, but I did go out in the brief window after work and before the rainstorm and stuffed handfuls of raspberries into my mouth. I guess the raspberries are coming in, a week or two later than last year.