Autism Assessment: Question 4

4. Do you engage in repetitive speech (also see: Movie talk), repetitive motor movements (self-stimulatory behaviour or stims), or the repetitive use of objects such as lining up toys or organizing items by colour?

When I need to regulate I will often put one to three songs on repeat and listen or sing along for up to a couple weeks, except when sleeping or socially inappropriate

I have always liked rocking chairs and swingsets for repetitive movements, the feeling of my weight shifting slightly and regularly (proprioception) is grounding and soothing and helps bring me into my body. Pacing is a lesser version of this but more accessible in various situations. I have a poor sense of proprioception if I don't stim this way regularly, or if I don't touch my environment often (like touching a wall when I walk down a hallway)

I sort information about my seeds in a spreadsheet, and I’ll groom and clean that database to relax -- this isn't lining up toys or organizing items by colour, instead it's creating a way to organize items by many different qualities. I plan my garden in similar ways, by various attributes. I like collecting categories of plants, for instance, I collected a lot of scented geraniums at one point, I collect types of tomatoes and grain corn currently. It gives me a sense of fitting properly into the world to compare similar attributes between different objects, including comparing attributes like social behaviour between individuals and groups.

I have a set of repetitive whole-body movements I enjoy, visually sort of like dancing, and I also enjoy structured repetitive whole-body series of movements I can do again and again exactly the same like Bikram’s hot yoga (which uses the same series each time, unlike other yoga practices)

I use repetitive muscle movements in running as a stim, but because the sensation from the stim is so all-encompassing I need a treadmill; if I try to run on the sidewalk I can't manage proprioception, muscle sensation, and direction at the same time and will get lost or not be able to navigate obstacles well.

I use flavour as a stim. I require variety in flavour most of the time, instead of repetition, so I have a large assortment of pickles and condiments that I can use to change the flavour of successive bites. It's hard for me to eat without the variety of different condiments, flavours, and textures. There is a particular brand of hot pepper I eat to stim, the crunch and salt and burn are extremely satisfying; I try to limit its use since it's not great for my stomach. Sometimes I use very intense candy, like black salted licorice or sour candies or slimy candies like turkish delight or konjak, as a stim.

I had a baby blanket I'd chew on the corner of as a stim until I was 6, when mom took it away.

Autism Assessment: Question 5

5. What is your experience with routine? How do you feel about changes and transitions? How do you react if someone alters your routine unexpectedly? Do you ask many questions if it is one of your interests? Do you regularly eat the same food or wear the same clothes?

I have tremendous emotional trouble with changes if I don’t know they are coming. Being able to anticipate them soothes this a great deal. This applies to both big changes like moves or relationship shifts and small changes like cancelling a visit or being given something different-than-expected to eat. I used to think my partners were neglectful or abusive because of the huge volume of pain and distress I felt when plans were altered, but I've since realized that is my own outsized reaction to changes. When I feel I have some control over the change of a plan, or know exactly how it's changing, I am far less distressed. So changing a plan ("I need to cancel tonight") is really difficult, but knowing why ("I'm not feeling like company and need to cancel tonight") and what happens to that plan after it disappears ("so let's skip this hangout" or "let's reschedule for next week") and especially being given some say in the change ("do you have a preference between rescheduling for this week and just doing it some other time") allows me to regulate (finally, after about 25 years of intensive practice). On the other hand I very much welcome the changes of the seasons, which I know will occur eventually, no one has any control over, but which are predictable and patterned. Note that I will react poorly to a change in planned activities even if the change is better for me-- if I was dreading a social event, but it was cancelled, I'd probably still need a bunch of time to recover from that shift instead of being able to smoothly enjoy the freedom of having that time to myself.

I cannot do a regular routine. When something happens weekly or daily it begins to feel like a demand, and both my mind and body act as though there is a physical force-field pushing me away from doing that thing even if I would like to do it. I have finally learned, after 30-plus years, to brush my teeth regularly if I don't think about it and do it as an auxiliary to the rest of my evening stuff (watering plants, dishwasher, watching youtube) but having written this I will definitely struggle the next couple days since those simultaneous activities "invisibilized" it and this writing makes it visible again. I struggle with the fact that work, classes, or social events happen regularly (as described extensively in the relationships section). However, I do like predictability and pattern, so knowing that I will see a partner on average two days a week, but keeping open which days those are, is extremely soothing to me. So I walk a delicate line between wanting some structure, but not enough structure to trigger demand avoidance or a meltdown if the structure breaks down unexpectedly.

I buy many copies of the same pairs of pants, shirts, socks etc at the same time so they’re all similar and I don’t need to think about buying them again and I know they’ll work for my body, I hate when my favourite cut of jeans is changed and I learned to sew so I don't need to accept changes to my favourite t-shirt pattern. However, I also keep a wide range of potential outfits as an aid to conveying a social persona, so that I can communicate with people who might wish to approach me depending on the situation (a slightly quirky outfit may inoculate people to my atypical social behaviour so they find it charming instead of shocking, where a very typical outfit may allow me to blend into the background). I did go through a period where I was unable to wear the same clothes, and had to sew a new outfit every day, but luckily that was short-lived.

I have learned that when a transition occurs that I was not expecting, instead of melting down I can attempt to engage with curiosity. Asking many questions at this time helps me to stabilize and feel more secure in the change or transition, and it also buys me time to regulate before going on to do the thing that changed. In some ways the whole of my world is a single context, and a change to one part of the context "tears" that part out of context, and I need information and integration time to fit the new information into my whole.

As a small example of how I manage transitions, I have a partner with whom I talk on the phone often. We used to have a great deal of trouble ending the conversations, and I'd feel upset after the transition from talking with him to not-talking with him and be nonfunctional for up to an hour or two. I asked him to give me a heads up five minutes before the call would end, which he now does, and that allows me to anticipate the transition and therefore not to be upset by it. After several years of this, sometimes I can even end the conversation without a heads-up, because I know that if I'm struggling with the idea of ending the call, I can ask for the extra five minutes and he'll give it to me. However, if I were to have an extended conversation with someone else, the end of the call would probably still disregulate me.

Another example of how difficulty with transitions impacts my social life is in relationship visits. I often have a partner visit me for a weekend or a full week, since we mostly are long distance, and it takes me from one to three days to fully process the transition from someone being present to someone being far away once they arrive, and again after they leave. Knowing I'm going to struggle with the transition after they leave, I often have a day or two before they go where I also struggle. These struggles look like loss of executive function, inability to regulate emotions, feelings of distress, anxiety, and emotional pain. They exist regardless of whether I'd like to see the partner more than I currently see them-- it is the transition that I struggle with.

A transition with a choice is always easier on me then one without. I spend so much time and energy managing my reaction to demands that when a surprise demand is given to me it can harm those other coping stretegies and everything falls apart. If instead I am given a choice, I am faced with handling the transition but not so much an externally imposed demand.

I have certain flavours that I like regularly (a specific brand of hot pepper) but am unable to eat the same flavours and textures for more than one meal in a row or even sometimes for more than a couple bites in a row. I manage this by making food with lots of texture and flavour, and can get around it by drinking very bland meal drinks that don't register as having either flavour or texture. Eating an entire bowl of oatmeal without putting crunchy sugar or cool liquid milk in it is out of reach for me, for instance.

It's very difficult for me to transition my focus; if I'm engaged in an activity or thought and need to stop and engage in a different activity or thought I will be slow to do so, my memory won't work well, and I'll want to continue the thing I was doing previously. The exception is if one activity or thought naturally leads into another (thinking about red cedars -> thinking about the ice age, or latin names)

I'm not sure what is meant by "do you ask many questions if it is one of your interests"

- If a change in routine occurs I will ask many questions regardless of one of my interests, as described above
-If someone is going to give me any sort of answers about one of my interests, if it's in any way socially appropriate I will ask as many questions as possible about the shared interest, but that doesn't seem to fit into the general thrust of the rest of this question

Autism assessment: question 6

6. What are your interests? Do they differ from other people’s interests in intensity and scope? If so, in what way? Are you perfectionistic?

My entire life is devoted to plants, gardening, and agriculture. This has shaped everything about me, it is not just a hobby; in this way it is very different from how neurotypical people approach their hobby of gardening. I research my varieties and breed them. I spend more than all of my disposable income on plants and having the correct environment for plants. I spent multiple hours most days thinking about and working on this interest, and have since I was 5 years old. I know latin names and several common names for many plants, though sometimes I need to switch "libraries" and refresh myself on, say, pacific northwest ornamentals as opposed to northern commercial species or whatnot. So yes, I’d say this is more intense than most people’s interests in anything, and has a wider scope where most people limit the scope of their interests to knowing a couple things about their subject.

I find new hobbies by how they relate to plants, such as: brewing or canning to preserve extra stuff from my garden, pottery to make plates appropriate to eat my food off, raising animals to provide me with nutrition and disturbance agents for my garden. In essence the scope of my interest gets wider to encompass more and more facets of how plants exist in the world and their relationship to people, other animals, and other environmental functions.

I enjoy plants/gardening/ecosystems as a hobby because it’s impossible to be limited by perfectionism around it: each system is a little different, and we can’t know every myriad way that the systems interact with themselves, so there is no perfect way to do things. There is only doing something, learning from it, and doing better next time: it means that when doing this hobby I’m unable to inhabit the limiting gross feeling of perfectionism and instead fully inhabit my curiosity, which feels wonderful.

People are also an interest of mine, both generally and occasional specific people. I like figuring out how social structures work and play out; I like figuring out what cues I need to understand what’s going on with people. I think the way each individual is different from each other individual is really beautiful and I want to experience many of those individuals, and experience that beauty, I guess in the way other people look at flowers or read books. I’m more careful with this interest since people are often unsafe either physically or emotionally, or they don’t like being the object of sustained attention sometimes, or they mistake my sustained attention for wanting a romantic commitment. I am both more intellectual about liking people than most neurotypical people are, and much much much more intense about it.

I used to be very perfectionistic, and sometimes still default to that state, but I make a concerted effort not to let it limit me. For instance, my perfectionism meant it was hard for me to learn rock climbing because I didn't want anyone to see me doing it imperfectly, so I spent several months learning in situations where only very trusted friends were present so that when I finally did it in the public space of a busy climbing gym I wasn't ashamed or embarrassed. But opportunities like that are rare, and now I try to just do things, even in public, even if I'll be less than perfect at them. I developed a system with a former employer for him to communicate how perfectionistic I should be, this job might want "80% perfect" while this other job might want "95% perfect" and that as an incredibly useful accommodation for me.

Clothing planning

Okay, I'm going to be doing a big sew for the first time since 2016. Then I made a bunch of gear to go backpacking with Josh to Cape Scott for a couple weeks, because I couldn't afford fancy outdoor gear but was anticipating a somewhat extreme situation.

Now I've worn a lot of those pieces out, I haven't had room to sew for a long time, and I'm finally clearing off my tables enough to set up the sewing machine for a couple months while I work through a wardrobe.

The goal is stuff that doesn't hurt my body and doesn't wear out quickly (the merino stuff I've been buying often doesn't last a season). It should be appropriate for work and farm, or at least the venn diagram of what I make should have significant overlap, and it should be easy to pull one piece off and put one piece on and transition from work to farm when I get home without having to change my whole outfit.

I'm significantly focused on late fall, winter, deep winter, early spring, and mid-spring with some additional summer field gear.

Fall and mid-spring involve significant temperature fluctuations, potential of precipitation, moisture and mud.

Winter and deep winter involve varying degrees of significant insulation, exposure to snow that shouldn't be able to penetrate eg pants can tuck tightly into boots. Winter involves the ability to stay warm and capture a little sun on my skin. Deep winter involves the ability to screen most-to-all skin surfaces.

Early spring involves the air feeling wet and still being able to manage insulation and temperature fluctiations. Definitely sun on skin when possible.

Field gear in summer involves moisture, insect, and sun management with significant sticks-tearing-holes issues.

All need:

Pockets with the ability to carry a dozen eggs and a measuring tape and a phone without wrecking anything, ideally with the phone positioned so it can play a podcast.

No single waistband or strong compression around the waist.

Doesn't fall down.

Bleeding and non-bleeding underwear options.

Moisture management on my skin.

Doesn't pick up a tremendous amount of cat fur.

Machine washable, line or machine dryable.

Work stuff needs:

Temperature flexibility to deal with the erratic heat/AC

Covers my neck so the lanyard doesn't irritate it

No nipple colour showing through

No seams where my pack rests, on both shoulders and hips, but covers skin where the straps rub

Farm stuff needs:

Crotch doesn't rip out on fences (reinforced?)

So many pockets

Really fur-resistant

Rough plan w/ potential fabrics

I'm thinking a bunch of different loose leggings/tight joggers in several fabrics, for base and mid-layering that can function as standalone garments (8-10)
x power stretch water resist woodsmoke (warm)
x thermal pro water repellant camo (warmish)
o power stretch (med)
x power grid mineral waqter (med-low)
x powerdry lightweight (low)
o powerdry midweight flame resist (med-low)
o med merino jersey

A couple pants shells with pockets, as top layer (2-3)
x power shield pro porpoise
o power shield dual hazard high viz
o power shield lightweight marpat camo
x thermal pro water repellant hard face camo
o cordura abrasion-resistant or add abrasion-resistant crotches and knees?

Several dresses that can go over leggings, from jersey to sweater weights, possibly with kangaroo pockets (?) (4-5)
x chitosante lace (no static, low warmth)
o power grid mineral water (base layer fabric, good moisture movement)
o modal sweater knit (med warmth)
o thermal pro sweater-face fleece inside evergreen or ink (high warmth)
x bamboo fleece from stash

Several long t shirts that go to my lower hip (5-6) & several tanks that go to my lower hip
x power dry lightweight
x light merino jersey
o power grid light or med weight
o chitosante & extreme
x power grid high warmth seconds
o power dry midweight
o power dry jersey flame resist brown

A couple wrap dresses/mid-to-light jacket layers, with pockets (3?)
o windpro stretch or windpro
o high loft fleece
o 300g twill linen
o power shield porpoise
o thermal pro sweater face
o technical or bamboo sweatshirting
o power stretch water resistant woodsmoke
o silk noil?
o boiled wool?

A couple vests with pockets (2)
o twill linen

Several neck/head tubes (5, scraps)

Patch my existing jeans

Patch merino long underwear where reasonable

Patch brown windpro pants if there's still enough of them by then