Breathing Time!
Apr. 25th, 2005 06:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormSo, Ellen couldn't make it to dinner tonight. While I miss seeing her, that means I get unstructured time. This evening, and tomorrow evening, I do not yet have plans. S'nice that way. Something may come up (Kynnin, check your cellphone messages) or it may not, but it feels nice to have a bit of space to breathe. My body can use it, too. I've been pretty brutal on it, gently, and it's responding by getting really strong but also by being a bit achy.
I'm looking forward to some time with the Juggler where we're not 1) falling asleep immediately or 2) with Mouse, too.
I've been having a ton of epiphany-type stuff on my relationships with women in general, and with that triad thing in particular. Because I haven't yet mourned the loss of that relationship (it takes me forever to start that sort of thing) there's a lot of free-floating sadness and whatnot. I've been transferring it (fancy psychological term?) to Juggler, to avoid dealing with the fact that it makes me sad, and then eggshell-stepping around him. I've known what I was doing was silly, but couldn't figure out the mechanism before today. It seems it's easier to deal with my feelings if I externalise them. Huh.
Anyhow, Saturday night I ended up going to a party at Chris. His friends were really friendly to me, which was nice, and he was too, which was a little weird. Everyone was getting pretty drunk and having discussions I didn't want to involve myself in (there was some sort of militant discussion about bisexuality and female bisexuality and men vs women's bisexuality that, in light of recent stuff, was not very attractive) so I headed out. The relationship with Chris is now in the queue to mourn (I remember at the beginning of it I said: if we break up, you get in the line. I'll finish mourning Kynnin, then Juggler, then Mouse, then you) since it's... I don't know, a real thing in the past? But I'm still sad rather than confused or anything. It feels like it was necessary to end.
So there's me wandering around Saturday night feeling lonely, wishing I had Tillie's number on my cellphone (or at all!) and I called Juggler. Ended up hanging out with him and Mouse, and sleeping at their place, then going to the garden show on Sunday.
All this contact with Mouse has precipitated a bunch of stuff around boundaries and desires on my part. I'm not going to slide back into old habits. I'm not going to have things go 'too fast'. I realise now (as I didn't used to be able to) that you can't average things per week over the space of two weeks, which is why I'm okay spending so much time with Mouse and with Juggler and Mouse. On average, I do not want to be spending this much time. However, it's likely that this kind of thing will go in clumps, and, of course, I may have to practice saying no once in awhile. The world won't end, Greenie, if you do.
So anyhow, during Saturday night I was externalising a whole bunch of stuff, pushing it onto Juggler (imagining he was feeling bad cause we weren't all together anymore, etc). Last night I talked with him on the phone a bit after the best movie ever, KUNG FU HUSTLE and now I'm starting to sort that out. I still to keep the intimacy on low-burner when we're all together, etc.
Having said that, I feel great. Things have gone well thus far, I think I'm finding and owning my own issues, setting good boundaries (good is reasonable and practically applicable as well as comfortable) that aren't at the bleeding edge of tolerance so they have some give, and enjoying life.
It looks like I'll be able to give Dawn her business back when I go to school if I hang out doing it one semester longer, which is really cool. It was so helpful for me to have it, and I'd like to repay her.
My rats are dozey lately.
Catch ya later. :)
I'm looking forward to some time with the Juggler where we're not 1) falling asleep immediately or 2) with Mouse, too.
I've been having a ton of epiphany-type stuff on my relationships with women in general, and with that triad thing in particular. Because I haven't yet mourned the loss of that relationship (it takes me forever to start that sort of thing) there's a lot of free-floating sadness and whatnot. I've been transferring it (fancy psychological term?) to Juggler, to avoid dealing with the fact that it makes me sad, and then eggshell-stepping around him. I've known what I was doing was silly, but couldn't figure out the mechanism before today. It seems it's easier to deal with my feelings if I externalise them. Huh.
Anyhow, Saturday night I ended up going to a party at Chris. His friends were really friendly to me, which was nice, and he was too, which was a little weird. Everyone was getting pretty drunk and having discussions I didn't want to involve myself in (there was some sort of militant discussion about bisexuality and female bisexuality and men vs women's bisexuality that, in light of recent stuff, was not very attractive) so I headed out. The relationship with Chris is now in the queue to mourn (I remember at the beginning of it I said: if we break up, you get in the line. I'll finish mourning Kynnin, then Juggler, then Mouse, then you) since it's... I don't know, a real thing in the past? But I'm still sad rather than confused or anything. It feels like it was necessary to end.
So there's me wandering around Saturday night feeling lonely, wishing I had Tillie's number on my cellphone (or at all!) and I called Juggler. Ended up hanging out with him and Mouse, and sleeping at their place, then going to the garden show on Sunday.
All this contact with Mouse has precipitated a bunch of stuff around boundaries and desires on my part. I'm not going to slide back into old habits. I'm not going to have things go 'too fast'. I realise now (as I didn't used to be able to) that you can't average things per week over the space of two weeks, which is why I'm okay spending so much time with Mouse and with Juggler and Mouse. On average, I do not want to be spending this much time. However, it's likely that this kind of thing will go in clumps, and, of course, I may have to practice saying no once in awhile. The world won't end, Greenie, if you do.
So anyhow, during Saturday night I was externalising a whole bunch of stuff, pushing it onto Juggler (imagining he was feeling bad cause we weren't all together anymore, etc). Last night I talked with him on the phone a bit after the best movie ever, KUNG FU HUSTLE and now I'm starting to sort that out. I still to keep the intimacy on low-burner when we're all together, etc.
Having said that, I feel great. Things have gone well thus far, I think I'm finding and owning my own issues, setting good boundaries (good is reasonable and practically applicable as well as comfortable) that aren't at the bleeding edge of tolerance so they have some give, and enjoying life.
It looks like I'll be able to give Dawn her business back when I go to school if I hang out doing it one semester longer, which is really cool. It was so helpful for me to have it, and I'd like to repay her.
My rats are dozey lately.
Catch ya later. :)
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Date: 2005-04-26 05:04 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2005-04-26 10:07 pm (UTC)*checks*