greenstorm | Grief.

Here's my grief again. It's an old friend, alien now, a thing I used to feel when I was someone else. All the old habits kick in as if it were frightening: I push it away, I name names, I devise plans to avoid it in the future. I get out livejournal. I called Juggler. He partied the last couple of nights, and doesn't wanna deal with people (me) right now. I think, this isn't fair, it's only true cause he's been out doing things with Mouse, I should tell him we need to stop doing things cyclically. I think, no, that's not true, you'll take what you can get, no cutting it off to spite your face. I think, it doesn't matter anyhow. Now is when I want... not even him, just someone, a hug, something. I tlked to Tillie today, which was really nice, but it reminded me of when my interpersonal relationships were big and full of promise and potential. Right now I don't have any relationships, as such - what I have with Juggler is sometimes better defined as fuckbuddies - and I don't really have the emotional certainty for relationships. I don't even, just at this moment, know what a relationship is. People are always mysteries to each other in the end on some level.

I shouldn't be writing right now. I should be living, not watching. I- this is my hand reaching out, though. Sometimes, I do reach out.