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greenstormhttp://www.livejournal.com/users/breklor/326717.html
Hung out with Trevor a bunch last night, which was cool. The night before I had a ton of dreams, some of which flashed back to dreams I'd had a long time ago. This morning I feel... strange. I feel like I can't quite puncture through my own brain to the real universe. I realised, the other night, that I'm too self-centred to be in any relationships right now. I can't reliably be in love with a person who I spend time with, only with doing things with them. This wasn't so before. I think it's a bit of a self-defense mechanism -- be in love with the stuff you can get reliably, or often, so you don't look too hard to one place.
Tillie asked me the other day what I meant by romantic in those posts down there. I guess romantic is all the stuff that's not the dead practical details -- being in love with "them" rather than your interactive stuff, dreaming about the future rather than planning for "next time", thinking that you fit with them or are good together rather than just being "good for now".
I think this is a pretty obvious reaction to breakup year last year, where the equivalent of nine years of relationship ended on the tail of two years. It's the "no long-term relationship emotional engagement thing". I think it's also in part a reaction to the way my thing with Juggler works.
Talking to Trevor last night I said, "I'm going to see how long I can go without a serious relationship". It's true. I'm gonna hold out to the best of my ability now, something I've never done. I've always let myself fall into them, dived into them happily. I never could see negative consequences to being "with" people. Now I'm beginning to realise that the consequences of the -endings- are very bad for me, so I'll choose the beginnings with more care. I actually do want to write a 30-question test or somethin'.
I think I'm also gonna politely discuss maybe Kynnin and definitely Juggler not reading this. It's weird, while I'm perfectly comfortable with everyone else reading it (and I detest the idea of 'making people get an account so they can read my friends list and thus becoming a marketing tool') I find that I do want those people talking to me personally, because I get more out of that. With, for instance, Tillie or Ellen we can discuss stuff we've both written lately on a meta-level, but those two don't do much ljing at all with 'content' and discussion tends to spring from recounting this sort of stuff and then going up a level or two from there. It's also, flat-out, an attempt to make myself feel more distant when I'm not getting anything out of the interaction, and thus flush them into actual interactions to get their dose of me. Have any of you done that sort of thing?
To Kynnin and Juggler: yeah, I'm gonna discuss this with you. ;)
What else? Well, I bought the 'position of the day' book yesterday. Yes, it's what it sounds like. I'm not going to stop collecting sex toys just cause I don't have much sex, and it's definitely a toy-- you know, something you play and have fun with, but don't take too seriously. Some of the positions are impossible, some would just be fun to try. Key word, try.
I think I have nothing more to say right now. T'care.
Hung out with Trevor a bunch last night, which was cool. The night before I had a ton of dreams, some of which flashed back to dreams I'd had a long time ago. This morning I feel... strange. I feel like I can't quite puncture through my own brain to the real universe. I realised, the other night, that I'm too self-centred to be in any relationships right now. I can't reliably be in love with a person who I spend time with, only with doing things with them. This wasn't so before. I think it's a bit of a self-defense mechanism -- be in love with the stuff you can get reliably, or often, so you don't look too hard to one place.
Tillie asked me the other day what I meant by romantic in those posts down there. I guess romantic is all the stuff that's not the dead practical details -- being in love with "them" rather than your interactive stuff, dreaming about the future rather than planning for "next time", thinking that you fit with them or are good together rather than just being "good for now".
I think this is a pretty obvious reaction to breakup year last year, where the equivalent of nine years of relationship ended on the tail of two years. It's the "no long-term relationship emotional engagement thing". I think it's also in part a reaction to the way my thing with Juggler works.
Talking to Trevor last night I said, "I'm going to see how long I can go without a serious relationship". It's true. I'm gonna hold out to the best of my ability now, something I've never done. I've always let myself fall into them, dived into them happily. I never could see negative consequences to being "with" people. Now I'm beginning to realise that the consequences of the -endings- are very bad for me, so I'll choose the beginnings with more care. I actually do want to write a 30-question test or somethin'.
I think I'm also gonna politely discuss maybe Kynnin and definitely Juggler not reading this. It's weird, while I'm perfectly comfortable with everyone else reading it (and I detest the idea of 'making people get an account so they can read my friends list and thus becoming a marketing tool') I find that I do want those people talking to me personally, because I get more out of that. With, for instance, Tillie or Ellen we can discuss stuff we've both written lately on a meta-level, but those two don't do much ljing at all with 'content' and discussion tends to spring from recounting this sort of stuff and then going up a level or two from there. It's also, flat-out, an attempt to make myself feel more distant when I'm not getting anything out of the interaction, and thus flush them into actual interactions to get their dose of me. Have any of you done that sort of thing?
To Kynnin and Juggler: yeah, I'm gonna discuss this with you. ;)
What else? Well, I bought the 'position of the day' book yesterday. Yes, it's what it sounds like. I'm not going to stop collecting sex toys just cause I don't have much sex, and it's definitely a toy-- you know, something you play and have fun with, but don't take too seriously. Some of the positions are impossible, some would just be fun to try. Key word, try.
I think I have nothing more to say right now. T'care.
