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greenstormWell, it's morning #2 here (I tend to wake up with the sun and nap intermittently until I stay out of bed for good. This is the second waking period).
So here's the thing. Last night, by the time I'd finished writing, I felt pretty stable. Whatever my emotions were doing I was in control of myself, everything was okay, there was a certain amount of calm n there in the bits that counted.
I woke up this morning and what now? I'm feeling edgy, resentful, annoyed, snappish. There's no one around to snap at and I'm not sure whether that helps the feeling or not. I've got a bunch more work to do today around the house/garden to prepare a good blank slate which I can keep through until the folk fest so I don't have to run around worrying about it the night before. It looks like rain but will probably clear up. I want to pound helplessly on someone's chest as hard as I can and cry while they hold me. I've never done that, nor wanted to.
No one's ever awake in the mornings. I don't know if it's just my choices in people, if it's a general male thing, or if it's a general human thing but I seem to spend a significant majority of most days alone just because everyone else is sleeping, no matter where I am. It's a lonely time, there are few people to talk to.
TOW can wake up early sometimes, and she also needs little sleep: this means she doesn't miss out on anything at night because she needs to go to sleep because she can't sleep in long enough. I envy that deeply. Mostly I try to imitate it, but I just end up not getting enough sleep.
I miss the way the Juggler reaches out for me in his sleep. I miss his hands. I feel envious of his stuff with TOW, especially last night. I can't equal that for him.
Ach, it's a livejournal spiral. The more I think the worse I'll feel in this mood, so I'll leave it be for now and come back when it doesn't act like some sort of angsty quagmire. Last night was productive. This is not.
On another note: my avacado pit's sprouted and grown about six inches, all since the beginning of last weekend, and the other looks to follow. I harvested a bunch of mint and should make tea before it's too late. I have watering to do. My bamboo is beautiful, especially the way the stalks feather out on top. I am considering creating another character on the game but intend on putting it off as long as possible.
I want someone to love, right now, who will accept the love as it is without conditions, just for a little while.
Be well.
So here's the thing. Last night, by the time I'd finished writing, I felt pretty stable. Whatever my emotions were doing I was in control of myself, everything was okay, there was a certain amount of calm n there in the bits that counted.
I woke up this morning and what now? I'm feeling edgy, resentful, annoyed, snappish. There's no one around to snap at and I'm not sure whether that helps the feeling or not. I've got a bunch more work to do today around the house/garden to prepare a good blank slate which I can keep through until the folk fest so I don't have to run around worrying about it the night before. It looks like rain but will probably clear up. I want to pound helplessly on someone's chest as hard as I can and cry while they hold me. I've never done that, nor wanted to.
No one's ever awake in the mornings. I don't know if it's just my choices in people, if it's a general male thing, or if it's a general human thing but I seem to spend a significant majority of most days alone just because everyone else is sleeping, no matter where I am. It's a lonely time, there are few people to talk to.
TOW can wake up early sometimes, and she also needs little sleep: this means she doesn't miss out on anything at night because she needs to go to sleep because she can't sleep in long enough. I envy that deeply. Mostly I try to imitate it, but I just end up not getting enough sleep.
I miss the way the Juggler reaches out for me in his sleep. I miss his hands. I feel envious of his stuff with TOW, especially last night. I can't equal that for him.
Ach, it's a livejournal spiral. The more I think the worse I'll feel in this mood, so I'll leave it be for now and come back when it doesn't act like some sort of angsty quagmire. Last night was productive. This is not.
On another note: my avacado pit's sprouted and grown about six inches, all since the beginning of last weekend, and the other looks to follow. I harvested a bunch of mint and should make tea before it's too late. I have watering to do. My bamboo is beautiful, especially the way the stalks feather out on top. I am considering creating another character on the game but intend on putting it off as long as possible.
I want someone to love, right now, who will accept the love as it is without conditions, just for a little while.
Be well.
