My Titles Have Degenerated Lately.
Sep. 13th, 2005 08:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormThey tend to be monosyllables, like "huh" or "hey", or just really boring statements, like so. Oh, well. My life is less interesting right now, I think. Fall-Greenie is never quite as interesting; she's too busy doing boring stuff. I don't build boats in the fall, nor do I obtain ridiculous numbers of plants or pets, read cool books, or go on interesting trips.
I start most of my longish relationships in the fall, though. I tidy my house and fill out forms. I get in the line and go to places on time, though my initiative at making new things to go to fails. I get annoyingly analytical (like so). I need to get to a park and spend some time on the swings.
My rats are so damn cute.
Did I tell you that I'm scared to do this permaculture thing? As I was telling mom, usually when I want something really badly I shrug it off as impossible and go off and do something else. Sometimes I'll do moderately hard things, like the greenhouse, but there's been nothing of this magnitude that I've set my mind to before. As a consequence, it's very frightening; not because I could fail to get it, which would be what happened if I didn't go for it, but because I could actually go do it.
And, really, what then? I may or may not have said this back when I made the greenhouse, but having a greenhouse is what I've always wanted. Sure, I want a permanent greenhouse I can fit tree-fruit in, but that's just sort of an embellishment. I've always wanted a greenhouse, and now I have one. When I made it, a string that had been tugging at me for a long time was cut. You just cannot replace a goal that you've had since you were eight-- it would take over a decade to replace that level of wanting something. So, what do you do? You pick up your life, you keep going, you stick in some goals...
...and here I've found myself a ridiculous goal. It's utterly silly. I dress myself up in superhero fabric, I steal from Johnny Appleseed, I take on wings and a halo and come down from the heavens and Do Good. And... these things are lining up. There's a group in Vancouver dedicated to 'relocalising', which is to help make things locally-sufficient for the populace. There's this apprenticeship which, with the help I can call in, I may be able to afford (barely). There's my experience running a business. There's sheer timing. Chop, chop, chop, the things fall in line...
...and then what? I mean, what if I actually do this, put in a good couple of years, get things rolling? Then maybe conventional school? Ecology, environmental science, those are permaculture-y areas?
Then there's nowhere left to go with that area of my life. I mean, all that's left is to keep plugging along, not escalating. But, it'll be... oh, man, how do I say this? It won't make me happy. It's something I want and need to do, it's awesome, it's amazing, OMFG I COULD DO THIS!!!1!!1!1oneone. But I've learnt the art of being happy, and it's the act of doing those things, rather than the outcome or the specifics, that will create my happiness.
This is where I'm scared, and puzzled: it's the habit of doing the things I want to do, rather than doing the things themselves, that make me happy. It's creating the push, putting my shoulder to a weight and watching it sail across the floor, and that makes me sane regardless of the weight -- as long as the weight is something I want. So where does it end? I mean, it kind of means that finishing all this stuff will leave me unhappy again, right?
And way back up there, as I was typing, I thought that, and my mind seagued into, "well, then I can have kids and..." and I thought, I used to do this with my relationships, and now I sit comfy in my relationships and do this with the rest of my life. It's almost-kinda like I can hook the energy up to one facet at a time.
This post is getting too long, and I don't wanna think through that last statement too much, though, so I shall bid you adieu for now. T'care.
I start most of my longish relationships in the fall, though. I tidy my house and fill out forms. I get in the line and go to places on time, though my initiative at making new things to go to fails. I get annoyingly analytical (like so). I need to get to a park and spend some time on the swings.
My rats are so damn cute.
Did I tell you that I'm scared to do this permaculture thing? As I was telling mom, usually when I want something really badly I shrug it off as impossible and go off and do something else. Sometimes I'll do moderately hard things, like the greenhouse, but there's been nothing of this magnitude that I've set my mind to before. As a consequence, it's very frightening; not because I could fail to get it, which would be what happened if I didn't go for it, but because I could actually go do it.
And, really, what then? I may or may not have said this back when I made the greenhouse, but having a greenhouse is what I've always wanted. Sure, I want a permanent greenhouse I can fit tree-fruit in, but that's just sort of an embellishment. I've always wanted a greenhouse, and now I have one. When I made it, a string that had been tugging at me for a long time was cut. You just cannot replace a goal that you've had since you were eight-- it would take over a decade to replace that level of wanting something. So, what do you do? You pick up your life, you keep going, you stick in some goals...
...and here I've found myself a ridiculous goal. It's utterly silly. I dress myself up in superhero fabric, I steal from Johnny Appleseed, I take on wings and a halo and come down from the heavens and Do Good. And... these things are lining up. There's a group in Vancouver dedicated to 'relocalising', which is to help make things locally-sufficient for the populace. There's this apprenticeship which, with the help I can call in, I may be able to afford (barely). There's my experience running a business. There's sheer timing. Chop, chop, chop, the things fall in line...
...and then what? I mean, what if I actually do this, put in a good couple of years, get things rolling? Then maybe conventional school? Ecology, environmental science, those are permaculture-y areas?
Then there's nowhere left to go with that area of my life. I mean, all that's left is to keep plugging along, not escalating. But, it'll be... oh, man, how do I say this? It won't make me happy. It's something I want and need to do, it's awesome, it's amazing, OMFG I COULD DO THIS!!!1!!1!1oneone. But I've learnt the art of being happy, and it's the act of doing those things, rather than the outcome or the specifics, that will create my happiness.
This is where I'm scared, and puzzled: it's the habit of doing the things I want to do, rather than doing the things themselves, that make me happy. It's creating the push, putting my shoulder to a weight and watching it sail across the floor, and that makes me sane regardless of the weight -- as long as the weight is something I want. So where does it end? I mean, it kind of means that finishing all this stuff will leave me unhappy again, right?
And way back up there, as I was typing, I thought that, and my mind seagued into, "well, then I can have kids and..." and I thought, I used to do this with my relationships, and now I sit comfy in my relationships and do this with the rest of my life. It's almost-kinda like I can hook the energy up to one facet at a time.
This post is getting too long, and I don't wanna think through that last statement too much, though, so I shall bid you adieu for now. T'care.
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no subject
Date: 2005-09-13 04:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-13 04:45 pm (UTC)It's true. I feel at this point it might run away from me, though. I mean, I'll be chasing the ball downhill, instead of pushing it along a flat? It's that generating more things is somewhat scary, because that.. ugh... too much potential... keep going... never ends... ish bleh.
Because the things I want to do are bigger than me, and because there will never be an end in sight.