AAAARRRRGGGHHH

[greenstorm]

This day is the culmination of weeks of cascading failures. I thought I had it in hand, but two full skytrains this morning led to the straw that broke the camel's back. I am not in a good mood. I want to kill things. I am going to walk down to Broadway station again just for kicks, and because when you're walking on the street you are alone, alone, alone.

Yes, this is intense PMS. I can feel the incipient cramps like ghost butterflies in my abdomen. Yes, this is day 2 of my official career change, my official status change (business owner to employee), yes, it's fall and getting darker, yes, yes, yes there are excuses, yes things will be better in the morning, but ye gods!

I'm not sure what feeling like an adult is supposed to feel like. I don't feel competent. I feel like a lens that magnifies all the little mess-ups and slow-downs around me into one huge catastrophe. I don't even feel like I can hide under my bed, even now when everything is straightened up, and make it better that way. I'd just sit under there feeling guilty, and feeling ashamed.

I can't even come right out and say what it was I messed up on today, because I have capital-I issues with this one particular subject. I can't go to my mom and say, "I wanna fix myself around this, help me" because where do you think I got these issues? I don't want to go to the Juggler for that, because, fuck! It's not his job to fix me. He's my boyfriend, not my crutch.

Gaaaaaah.

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/_greenwitch_/]

I don't know what an adult's supposed to feel like - and I'm older than you! Maybe it would help to have tea with Estry and I on Saturday? It's tentatively in the works, and we could all get things out without feeling like we're leaning on those closest to us, and those who might be offended by what we might say? Think on it.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

That would be so fantastic. You guys have my number.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_greenwitch_/]

I don't know that I do, having changed my dayplanner. E-mail me at greenwitch@shaw.ca?

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

I will be there.