Okay.

[greenstorm]

I think I've figured out what's going on in my weirdness with the Juggler -- and why it's having so much impact, it has a lot to do with some of my feelings surrounding the whole Exotic thing.

So, I get to talk to him about that, and let's see what it does. Right now I'm suddenly acutely aware of the fragility of relationships and it's hard for me to trust that there will be a good outcome even if the actual issue is... well, probably pretty small. But, forge ahead. *sigh*

The Exotic's heading out Friday morning, I need to see about getting him to the airport.

And sooner or later I need to pull myself off the computer and get on with that Big Issue I mentioned, not today but sometime. Sometime. For practice I'll start on the citizenship issue -- I have support on that, Mom's doing her thing too and so she can help me.

Bah, humbug. What I -really- want is to spend a good long time digging in the garden. That's something else I should talk to the Juggler and their household about, I suppose. There's a bunch of green stuff to be turned under over there, and some boz hedges (still) to be trimmed... although maybe that should wait until they've officially bought the place.

I also want to get out the graph paper and start mapping. That relationship-stability thing is throwing off my feeling-that-life-goes-on, and so I need to remember that even if none of my relationships are very long-term committed, or even mid-term committed, there's still other stuff. And even if this relationship goes belly-up, which it really shouldn't do, gardening does that.

It's not, will I still have this garden space in a year. It's, I can create things over time and some things require a lot of time to create properly.

Hmm. I think I've just given myself relationship advice.

Well, on to a shower. I'll keep you updated.

Comments

[darthmaus.livejournal.com]

so I need to remember that even if none of my relationships are very long-term committed, or even mid-term committed...

It won't surprise you to know that I *do* feel concerned when I read statements like this. Yes, I know that your journal is talking to yourself and working through your own stuff, etc, but since such statements do directly impact me I trust that you'll fill me in when it's appropriate to do so?

Mouse,
long-term committed -- perhaps to the VGH psych ward ;-)

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

It's interesting, because you and I have spoken about this in the past and it seems we're both in agreement about the kind of commitment we want the relationship-quad-thing as a whole to have -- but realistically there is nothing I can 'lean on' or 'hold anyone to' commitmentwise beyond, oh, the REM concert coming up.

So while there's a general air of 'this isn't going to end any time soon' I don't actually consider there to be any official commitment. There's a bunch invested in the relationship in terms of work and processing that's been done which tends to indicate that 1) in the past people have been committed to not leaving it at the drop of a hat when trouble arises and 2) people will be less likely to leave it because they want a return on the investment.

That's still, and again, not exactly the same kind of thing I'm looking for.

One of the things I do need right now, and am making arrangements to get, is some reassurance from the Juggler about this weird situation surrounding scheduling stuff. That may enable me to lean on the soft, unstated commitments of the people around me better and thus stop saying things like the bit that made you worry.

Any case, it will probably be resolved after tonight. What's your Thursday night looking like, over there?

[darthmaus.livejournal.com]

OK, I think I understand better what you're saying, and am less worried about it -- I see what you mean, and I'd say I feel the same way, although perhaps not as urgently (I certainly understand if your recent relationship upheaval with Exotic is bringing these issues to the fore).

Juggler told me that you've got a phone call scheduled for tonight; I'll be out with NerdBoy, so he can have some phone-privacy. I hope you two work out the answers you need.

Thursday night is nothing planned as of yet -- what's on yer mind? ;-)

You'll get email from me later today regarding this weekend...

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Less worry is always a good thing.

There are two things involved, one being acknowledgement and one being worry. The worry I hope to lie to rest, the acknowledgement remains, well, true in the strictest of senses.

I hope we work them out too. Have fun with him.

Nothing planned here either, but I haven't had much chance to just hang around and talk with you and I will be in town. We could meet up at trout lake or T or something?