Good Morning.

[greenstorm]

Finally I'm sorta-caught-up on LJ. I can sit down without feeling that I have too much to say for the time I have to type. This means that last night, for instance, when I went over to CrazyChris' for Korean Movie Monday, that I didn't have anything to say to him that I hadn't already said on here. Well, mostly nothing.

I really treasure this account now. It's years and years of my life, full of lots of little things (and big things) that I'd never remember if it weren't written down. There's just so much more here than my memory could ever hold.

I feel much more level when I sleep properly. Imagine that.

I have some quiet things to say, You know the self-reflective, sitting-around-when-it-isn't-yet-light things? I have those to say to someone, while we're curled up somewhere warm with cups of tea, and with little tiny house-noises all around us because it's the quiet time of day when no noises creep in from the deserted streets to mask them. I don't *know* anyone who gets up at this hour, though. Oh, well. I suppose I can talk to you. Pretend my voice is hushed, pretend the air is chilly and the sunlight that pale almost-invisible blue that it gets before the sun rises.

I'm really happy with the way things are going. I keep saying that, and I think I'm learning to trust it finally. Things keep coming up that I view cautiously for awhile, and then accept. My sense of family, for instance, is expanding: it includes Tillie and CrazyChris now. It includes my other brothers now, thanks to the Thursday dinners where I see them regularly. Family. It's very important to me, you know.

What does it feel like for you to have family? Now, with winter coming, I remember the days the power would go out and we'd all gather around the wood stove and be people together. It must have been difficult for mom (four kids beating on each other, likely) but it's what I remember-- warm forward, cold stealing in around the edges, and the presence of everyone. Otherwise we rattled around the house and never saw each other.

It's useful to me to seperate family from people-I-love. Family is people who are there. It's people who have some sort of understanding of me, and that must be a reciprocal thing. It's being able to rehash memories, and being familiar with people's faults. It's all the daily actoins of love, the things that speak so loudly suddenly, where emotion storming around inside me doesn't, really.

Family is very important.

So now, because everything is so good, I'm a little bit worried about change. You see, I have the terrible suspicion that I'm falling in love again, and that feels like it should upset the boat. Right now, for the next year or two, I am SO DONE with conventional relationships of any kind. I don't feel, therefore, that I should be approaching people. I mean, what I have to offer is not what most people are into, and so why should I even bother? I'm not going to operate that way, but it does slow the whole thing down and down and down. Most of my relationships start within two or three days of the first real conversation with someone. I never could stand the build-up, the lead-up, before-- especially when I didn't know if anything would come of it. Now, I find it most comfortable. Even if nothing 'comes of it' I'm happy. That in itself is a startling difference in my life.

(Colin, no, not you, don't worry ;)

I worry, too, I think, about moving on. I worry thst someday I'll run across Kynnin, we'll both be in our seventies, and there will be the most overwhelming wave of regret. That's not fair to ffer to anyone, is it?

And yet, these worries fade. The sheer amount of good in my life washes them out over time, rendering them things to muse about here, before dawn, in an idle sort of way while my toes get cold. If you were here we'd be lying with a blanket over our feet and waiting for the kettle to boil. Tillie's alarm clock is going off in the other room. There's a cat to pet, idly. Putside, there are tree branches against the iron-pale of the sky. How, given all that, can I really be worried? Each moment is such a treasure.

Life is such a joy.

Comments

[khamura.livejournal.com]

I don't think it will be regret. Wistfulness, I can see. Regret, I cannot.

But regret is such a strange notion to me, so perhaps mine is not the most accurate assessment. :)

[whimsicalzephyr.livejournal.com]

*SNORK* (Colin, no, not you, don't worry ;)

For a moment, I almost had a committment-phobic panic attack on Daddy's behalf. *giggles*

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

*grin* No, you guys can have all the fun with that sort of thing by yourselves.

[whimsicalzephyr.livejournal.com]

Heh. Ya know, the two of us are so committment-phobic that we were dating for 6 months before we 'fessed up to being in love with each othre. We're that bad. I like to think that we've progressed to 'commitment-shy.'

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Actually, I'm dating someone along those lines right now, though not so bad. Luckily, I'm more than six months into the relationship.

[whimsicalzephyr.livejournal.com]

Are you roomies with Tillie?

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

No. 'Just' friends.

[skiddlyboo.livejournal.com]

*climbs down off of curtains*

[whimsicalzephyr.livejournal.com]

There, there, Mr. Kitty. It's OK.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Hey, do you have a squirt gun yet?

[whimsicalzephyr.livejournal.com]

Yes, but it's only ever used on me. I squirted Colin with water once and quickly found myself tied to the suspension frame with an ice cube up my sensitive bits and drenched head to toe in water. Mr. Kitty doesn't like cold water at all.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Hm.