greenstorm | We Call This Random.

So I have Devon's Topping Book. This is as good a place to start as any.

I brought it with me today, thinking I'd hook up with her and return it. Our schedules didn't end up meshing, so I started rereading it on the bus home. I've topped now, twice, baby-steps-scaredy-topping, and it means something a little different to read now (I should be memorising R&G lines, but oh well).

In the beginning of the book, there's a list of reasons one would top another. The book is trying, basically, to explain why it's fun. One of the reasons particularly stood out to me.

Nurturing.

This seems counter-intuitive, no? You're mean to someone you beat them or hurt them, and then you turn around and you say, good girl, you did that so well, oh poor baby you're hurt and you take care of them for awhile. I like the topping thing for many reasons, but this one is the most emotionally powerful for me. I love taking care of people. It gets in at me sideways, under and around barriers, and I sort of fall to pieces.

I'm sort of falling to pieces lately, in the good way. My life floats around me, just hanging there suspended, and it's incredibly full right now.

My roommate is totally freaked out by the idea of poly. How does that work?, he'll say. What does she do when you're over there building kayaks? There is, obviously some info I haven't imparted there yet.

For awhile I was effectively monogamous. Now, I'm not. I love this whole cloud of people, and I have sex with a couple of people, and the groups overlap only in one place-- my bosses, being a couple of gay guys, refer to him as 'my partner' which makes me feel warm and glowy. I'd like them to overlap in a couple more, *but*-- I find that having people on both ends of the spectrum, and not just because it's the same person across the whole thing, makes me ecstatic. Literally ecstatic, actually. I swear I glow some days.

Mom's here for dinner, more later, perhaps. I'm home tonight. I've been fantasizing abotu staying home and doing laundry, and finally tonight it will happen. Last night--

--but no, later.