Anger and Experience.

[greenstorm]

So in the midst of this sex/emotion/BDSM tangle that I've been picking at for the last few hours, there is the topic of Anger. Here's the thing.

I don't get angry. When I get angry, I feel bad. I don't behave in angry ways towards people willingly, for the most part. Anger is something I'm immensely uncomfortable with in myself, and I'm tons better now than I was before.

In the last few scenes where I've bottomed, I've felt flickers of anger, one scene in particular comes to mind. I really like this feeling, anf it's also scary.

I guess some of this stuff, the controlled-scene-BDSM stuff, is like bungee jumping, except the chasm and the elastic are mental, vast spaces and anchors which I use to explore myself. But! Enough babble on that front.

So one of the things that happens when I get angry is that I get worried. OMGOMG, I think, Imighthurtsomeoneandthenwhat? Juggler's pretty strong, and I know he'd be able to deal, but this is not the voice of rationality I'm talking about. So, I get to experience anger a bit, and that feels really nice and intimate, as exploring new places with someone always does, but I can't take it the full distance.

So I think, finally, I've found a good non-symbolic use for bondage in a scene, finally. If I get tied up, I can get angry enough that it can become physical, I can express it as much as physically possible, and the bondage provides the safety net, the reassurance that no matter what I do I'm not physically free to hurt anyone. So, with the elastic of that reassurance, I can... jump.

Comments

[estrellada.livejournal.com]

we should negotiate about this stuff: I'm willing to try going there, if you are.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

I would need Juggler to be there, and not in public.

[estrellada.livejournal.com]

Let's start with the three of us having dinner and a conversation, cuz we have a lot to talk about, apparently. (In the good 'talk about' woo hoo experimentation way)

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Dude. :) Maybe Mon evening?

[estrellada.livejournal.com]

before KMM?

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Dunno.

[estrellada.livejournal.com]

I guess we're talking Sat am anywho, so we can sort out then.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

I wanna mummify Graham first (she stalls)