Meditation On Blessings
Dec. 5th, 2005 09:26 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormThe freakiest thing happened to Kynnin last night. It's... scary violent things don't happen to me.
My life has always been one of almost unmixed blessings.
The people in it, the things that happen to me, are almost always wholly good; sometimes they're tempered with a little bit of challenge, or a little bit of bittersweet, and sometimes the people near me and the people I've loved get struck down. I never have been.
In fact, often there is so much that is ridiculously wonderful in my life that I worry. This isn't fair, I think. Why is this being lavished upon me? I could sit here for hours and list things off-- every person I've spoken to in the last month at least is a joy, fantastic opportunities abound, people I love are both kind to me and capable of loving me back, not to mention desirous of doing so.
Anything that's a minor inconvenience is speedily remedied. Anything that bothers me for a little while is turned on its ear, is repaid with interest. If I'm cold, I end up in a warm bathtub eating chocolate pudding before too long.
This does some very strange things to me, I think. It makes me relatively soft. Without a great deal of roughness in my world, I don't understand it in others'. Pain, sure, I understand-- I've felt hurt before. Deliberate infliction thereof? Not so much. Even the deliberate infliction of pain as a defensive measure I don't understand so much.
What do you say to such bounty? What do you do? It creates a kind of obligation to reciprocate to the universe at large, and I haven't figured out a satisfying way of doing that reliably yet. When the top of my head is coming off because everything is so wonderful, I feel gratitude. I need to thank someone, to do something, to deserve this.
Certainly I think enjoying it is part of the moral obligation here. I mean, if I were to go around complaining all the time, that would be highly disrespectful of this gift. If I were to rush through it, heedless, that too would be disrespectful. Still--?
We live in a culture where life is supposed to be hard. We live in a culture where if you're really sad at 3am your best friend is supposed to drop everything and rush over, where if you're feeling insecure your sig other should coddle you and be nice to you. Attention comes from misery, everything is oriented towards making it through. A lot of people are making it through.
I wonder, are there any that are celebratory out there?
Hm. Time to head to work. Be well, all.
My life has always been one of almost unmixed blessings.
The people in it, the things that happen to me, are almost always wholly good; sometimes they're tempered with a little bit of challenge, or a little bit of bittersweet, and sometimes the people near me and the people I've loved get struck down. I never have been.
In fact, often there is so much that is ridiculously wonderful in my life that I worry. This isn't fair, I think. Why is this being lavished upon me? I could sit here for hours and list things off-- every person I've spoken to in the last month at least is a joy, fantastic opportunities abound, people I love are both kind to me and capable of loving me back, not to mention desirous of doing so.
Anything that's a minor inconvenience is speedily remedied. Anything that bothers me for a little while is turned on its ear, is repaid with interest. If I'm cold, I end up in a warm bathtub eating chocolate pudding before too long.
This does some very strange things to me, I think. It makes me relatively soft. Without a great deal of roughness in my world, I don't understand it in others'. Pain, sure, I understand-- I've felt hurt before. Deliberate infliction thereof? Not so much. Even the deliberate infliction of pain as a defensive measure I don't understand so much.
What do you say to such bounty? What do you do? It creates a kind of obligation to reciprocate to the universe at large, and I haven't figured out a satisfying way of doing that reliably yet. When the top of my head is coming off because everything is so wonderful, I feel gratitude. I need to thank someone, to do something, to deserve this.
Certainly I think enjoying it is part of the moral obligation here. I mean, if I were to go around complaining all the time, that would be highly disrespectful of this gift. If I were to rush through it, heedless, that too would be disrespectful. Still--?
We live in a culture where life is supposed to be hard. We live in a culture where if you're really sad at 3am your best friend is supposed to drop everything and rush over, where if you're feeling insecure your sig other should coddle you and be nice to you. Attention comes from misery, everything is oriented towards making it through. A lot of people are making it through.
I wonder, are there any that are celebratory out there?
Hm. Time to head to work. Be well, all.
