greenstorm | Socially Unacceptable Sentiment

I have always been the peacemaker. I have been the communicator, the negotiator, the compromisor. I have held my tongue to listen to others' needs. I have waited patiently for results. I have accepted effort as a valid currency when results were not forthcoming.

These skills have served me well. They are ingrained now and even if I wish to throw them off I fall back into them once discussion starts. They produce results. They produce... compromise, something to live on until the next time around.

I wish I could throw them off. I wish I could simply reject. I wish I could scream obscenities, storm out and slam the door, give up, betray, hurt where you are most vulnerable. I wish I could go up in flames and burn you so that the scars would last a million years.

My compromise has gained me nothing in the end; my love turned invisible under eyes that take it for granted. If I can't touch you with that love then I wish to leave some sort of a lasting mark.

I will do nothing of the sort, of course. I'm too familiar with regret, I'm too in love, I will never rid myself of my will to please. In a year, or in six months, I will be glad that I have not acted on the flare of emotion that accompanies this time.

It's there, though. Anger, betrayal, the reflex kick of fear, vengeance, jealousy, all that is there.

This is not something one can say in public. It's not something one can show in the middle of the street. It makes me a bad woman, it marks me bad at relationships, you will tell me I must accept and heal and move on. I will accept, and heal, and move on.

But I will feel angry, too. And it will last for a little bit yet.