Disappearing Act
Jan. 31st, 2006 08:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormNow you see me--
--now you don't. Because I'm in the space between, in the social cracks.
It's what they call a nasty day outside, or night rather, with the rain pouring down so that it soaks you in minutes, and driving sideways under the ultra-modern-looking but completely ineffectual bus 'shelters'. I worked today, stopped by home for a much-needed cuddle with my girlies and to pick up a toothbrush for catsitting and a chequebook for househunting, and then bussed on across town to the cat's house. She's settled in comfortably enough, as am I, though I'm still somewhat damp.
The bus ride here was over an hour long (of course it was, the 16 was involved, and it's the slowest bus in history). I has a lot of time to sit around and think about stuff, I haven't had that lately and it was nice.
I'm nothing if not predictable; my mind runs in the same sort of circles each time. Here are some thoughts, since no one will get much more than this from me until the weekend.
I'm thinking about moving a lot. I'm picturing different types of apartments, etc, and how I'd fit into them. I'm thinking about the hunt, and various ads I've seen but haven't had time to call (tomorrow morning, yes). The move itself seems like it'll go reasonably smoothly-- it's on March 1st, I've got the day off work and a truck. I have a bit of extra cash this time around, which is nice too, so I can either overlap the half-month or buy dinner for move helpers. That feels good. I'm thinking about ways to keep this new space my home, and ways to lure other people over so I can socialise and spend time at home as well; I'm traditionally terrible at that.
I'm thinking about relationships, of course. They take up an enormous amount of spare brain cycles when I let them, but I'm letting them a little less for awhile. Scaling back on that sort of thing always scares me (if I depart emotionally to go frolic by myself, can I come back?) but experience has taught me that lulls are in fact necessary and normal. Now to pound that lesson through to where it matters. I'm really happy with what I've got right now. Who, I mean. I'm really happy with who I've got lately. blah, blah, etc, same old.
I'm thinking about work, and scheduling. This week I'm working and coming back here in the evenings, save perhaps for dinner out or my voluntary simplicity class. Already my February has most evenings scheduled with something, albeit something optional sometimes. There's something involved in balancing both jobs that I'm figuring out. I am back to using a Palm Pilot, and looking at the month ahead makes me mildly hysterical. These things swing back and forth, more to less busy.
I've been missing my ratties a lot. Friends tend to involve a little more talking than I want right now, possibly because I need to chat with peopel at work now that I'm on my own and my boss doesn't do it for me. Amusing anecdote? Here goes. About a year and a half ago I met Crazychris, and went home to Juggler and said, "I met this guy, he's awesome, I think we'll end up being snuggle buddies rather than lovers though." Fell into a relationship within a few days, fell out of it, and realise I've come full circle. I'm reminded of a line awhile back that I quoted, which was, 'when you meet family, sometimes you think they're a lover'. Anyhow, I've got good family.
My mental state recently is very odd. I'm intensely irritable compared to baseline Greenstorm. Thinking about it now, possibly it's because of a lack of home time or a lack of alone time. My sense of perspective seems to be missing, and it makes sense that I left it in my bed and need to return to soak it up.
I have some work to do on myself anyhow. I used to have a major button in serious relationships, and that button was time. I believed on some level that the amount of hours someone devoted to me was somehow indicative of how much they loved me. It made for some tough scheduling nights, and more than a few angsty posts back there. That's been eased a bit, slid back into something a little more deal-able, or maybe my current relationships are all simply falling within the tolerances. Either way, it's perfectly okay there, and so another issue has raised its head. this one's the sleeping-with issue. Basically, sleeping next to someone's a huge dose of intimacy/reassurance/etc for me, and when I do without it I need to figure out some way of getting that stuff otherwise (theoretically from the vast fountain of self-esteem and self-worth and all that jazz, I suppose).
I remember some terrible nights when Kynnin was working nights, trying to keep to his schedule, staying up all night in the next room on the computer and I lay in bed, utterly unable to sleep and feeling totally bereft. I remember nights where I wouldn't go to bed before whoever I was sleeping with because I felt uncared-for if they were up later than me. Those times are gone; generally I am quite happy in my own bed alone, and now if I'm tired and someone will be joining me after one last epic Everquest marathon or one last homework question or whatever, I'm perfectly happy to go to sleep and trust that I'll be able, some other evening, to have that delicious entangled falling-asleep limbs-getting-heavy talking-queietly time with them.
I think it helps that I'm getting enough conversation at other times. It's a great connector as well.
And I suppose I know enough about myself, now, to know how to deal with this sort of thing. I'm terrible with disappointments and surprises, so setting realistic expectations (what a depressing phrase!) and keeping to it will allow me enough mental energy to concentrate on solving the other issues. Keeping to it will also allow me a certain confidence in my self-control which I enjoy; it will be difficult. It will be very difficult, and although I like accomplishing difficult goals, I've tried and failed at this before. Granted, I'm trying and succeeding where I've failed at a bunch of things, lately.
Look. Relationships again. Surprise surprise.
I'll leave thinking about balcony gardening for after I see if I end up with a balcony, and leave thinking about my plants at work for another post. In fact, this is enough typing for one evening; time for a touch of dinner, a book, a bath, sleep, and then some calling tomorrow for apartments. wish me luck.
--now you don't. Because I'm in the space between, in the social cracks.
It's what they call a nasty day outside, or night rather, with the rain pouring down so that it soaks you in minutes, and driving sideways under the ultra-modern-looking but completely ineffectual bus 'shelters'. I worked today, stopped by home for a much-needed cuddle with my girlies and to pick up a toothbrush for catsitting and a chequebook for househunting, and then bussed on across town to the cat's house. She's settled in comfortably enough, as am I, though I'm still somewhat damp.
The bus ride here was over an hour long (of course it was, the 16 was involved, and it's the slowest bus in history). I has a lot of time to sit around and think about stuff, I haven't had that lately and it was nice.
I'm nothing if not predictable; my mind runs in the same sort of circles each time. Here are some thoughts, since no one will get much more than this from me until the weekend.
I'm thinking about moving a lot. I'm picturing different types of apartments, etc, and how I'd fit into them. I'm thinking about the hunt, and various ads I've seen but haven't had time to call (tomorrow morning, yes). The move itself seems like it'll go reasonably smoothly-- it's on March 1st, I've got the day off work and a truck. I have a bit of extra cash this time around, which is nice too, so I can either overlap the half-month or buy dinner for move helpers. That feels good. I'm thinking about ways to keep this new space my home, and ways to lure other people over so I can socialise and spend time at home as well; I'm traditionally terrible at that.
I'm thinking about relationships, of course. They take up an enormous amount of spare brain cycles when I let them, but I'm letting them a little less for awhile. Scaling back on that sort of thing always scares me (if I depart emotionally to go frolic by myself, can I come back?) but experience has taught me that lulls are in fact necessary and normal. Now to pound that lesson through to where it matters. I'm really happy with what I've got right now. Who, I mean. I'm really happy with who I've got lately. blah, blah, etc, same old.
I'm thinking about work, and scheduling. This week I'm working and coming back here in the evenings, save perhaps for dinner out or my voluntary simplicity class. Already my February has most evenings scheduled with something, albeit something optional sometimes. There's something involved in balancing both jobs that I'm figuring out. I am back to using a Palm Pilot, and looking at the month ahead makes me mildly hysterical. These things swing back and forth, more to less busy.
I've been missing my ratties a lot. Friends tend to involve a little more talking than I want right now, possibly because I need to chat with peopel at work now that I'm on my own and my boss doesn't do it for me. Amusing anecdote? Here goes. About a year and a half ago I met Crazychris, and went home to Juggler and said, "I met this guy, he's awesome, I think we'll end up being snuggle buddies rather than lovers though." Fell into a relationship within a few days, fell out of it, and realise I've come full circle. I'm reminded of a line awhile back that I quoted, which was, 'when you meet family, sometimes you think they're a lover'. Anyhow, I've got good family.
My mental state recently is very odd. I'm intensely irritable compared to baseline Greenstorm. Thinking about it now, possibly it's because of a lack of home time or a lack of alone time. My sense of perspective seems to be missing, and it makes sense that I left it in my bed and need to return to soak it up.
I have some work to do on myself anyhow. I used to have a major button in serious relationships, and that button was time. I believed on some level that the amount of hours someone devoted to me was somehow indicative of how much they loved me. It made for some tough scheduling nights, and more than a few angsty posts back there. That's been eased a bit, slid back into something a little more deal-able, or maybe my current relationships are all simply falling within the tolerances. Either way, it's perfectly okay there, and so another issue has raised its head. this one's the sleeping-with issue. Basically, sleeping next to someone's a huge dose of intimacy/reassurance/etc for me, and when I do without it I need to figure out some way of getting that stuff otherwise (theoretically from the vast fountain of self-esteem and self-worth and all that jazz, I suppose).
I remember some terrible nights when Kynnin was working nights, trying to keep to his schedule, staying up all night in the next room on the computer and I lay in bed, utterly unable to sleep and feeling totally bereft. I remember nights where I wouldn't go to bed before whoever I was sleeping with because I felt uncared-for if they were up later than me. Those times are gone; generally I am quite happy in my own bed alone, and now if I'm tired and someone will be joining me after one last epic Everquest marathon or one last homework question or whatever, I'm perfectly happy to go to sleep and trust that I'll be able, some other evening, to have that delicious entangled falling-asleep limbs-getting-heavy talking-queietly time with them.
I think it helps that I'm getting enough conversation at other times. It's a great connector as well.
And I suppose I know enough about myself, now, to know how to deal with this sort of thing. I'm terrible with disappointments and surprises, so setting realistic expectations (what a depressing phrase!) and keeping to it will allow me enough mental energy to concentrate on solving the other issues. Keeping to it will also allow me a certain confidence in my self-control which I enjoy; it will be difficult. It will be very difficult, and although I like accomplishing difficult goals, I've tried and failed at this before. Granted, I'm trying and succeeding where I've failed at a bunch of things, lately.
Look. Relationships again. Surprise surprise.
I'll leave thinking about balcony gardening for after I see if I end up with a balcony, and leave thinking about my plants at work for another post. In fact, this is enough typing for one evening; time for a touch of dinner, a book, a bath, sleep, and then some calling tomorrow for apartments. wish me luck.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-02-01 05:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-01 06:57 am (UTC)Woo hoo for relationships: so complicated to think about the the things that you like. I usually find myself swinging back and forth between spending too much time or not enough time with the people I love. Solitude is grand, but it isn`t cuddling.
z.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-01 07:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-01 03:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-01 05:34 pm (UTC)