The Longest Week
May. 3rd, 2006 05:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormor, Irony and Maybe Bitterness
I'm feeling very strange. I suppose I'm starting to go through another transition period, with a fairly stable time behind me. I know I've been keeping very busy as one way of dealing with things, and I'm starting to want to shrug off the busy-ness in a very real way now. Weird things are bubbling up in my mind, and I suppose that makes a lot of sense.
Kynnin has obtruded himself upon my attention about half a dozen times since Monday, most lately as my highest-ranked match on okcupid (okcupid.com, where your exes are always on top!). I have to admit, I'm having trouble dealing.
Over the last couple of months I've been a little bit paranoid again, less so more recently, but not as well as I've been over the, oh, year and a half before that. I think that part of this is my mind being a tiny bit broken, but more of it comes from a lot of experience with situations where people said one thing, and meant (or were) another. Sometimes this was dishonesty with me, but more often I experienced people being either dishonest or unobservant with themselves. I would often make this whole thing worse by demanding things that were not available, forcing a choice between my distress and honesty.
In situations where I've experienced that, I have a lot of difficulty believing sincerity. I tend to think that everyone I meet will be like the people I've been with. In the last while-- especially with the Chrises, Juggler and CrazyChris, and with Tillie --I've been spending time with people who are reasonably self-knowledgeable, who are dependable but not neurotically so, who are honest and not spiteful or malicious or willfully ignorant. I've had no reasons to be paranoid about their behavior or motives, and so I've been in a good place.
Insert fortuitious picture here:
My relationship with Graham is a little iffier, given that he's just not as knowledgeable about himself in the context of a relationship. He's honest, and he's pretty good at not committing to something he isn't sure of even when pushed, so I figure we'll learn. My paranoia, however, started returning just a little since the thing with him began.
I don't want to talk about whose fault anything was, because even if I remembered we could likely chase cause-and-effect, behaviour-and-response lines back for generations. The fact is, though, that Kynnin and my relationship created most of my hot buttons for paranoia, and the quad nailed them into place a little more firmly. When Kynnin comes into my consciousness, a very familiar thing happens in my brain. My mind says this:
I miss Kynnin. I liked him, and I love him. It would be cool to talk with him some and see how he's doing. Wait, last time I did that, I tried calling a couple of times, he said he would get back to me, and it's been a year. He has my phone number. Well, he did seem very genuinely glad to talk to me and like he wanted to get together. But, since you moved out, there have been multiple spans of six or more months where you called him three or four times to get together, he said he'd like to and would call me back as soon as he was less busy, and he never did call back. In fact, he never has called you since you moved out of the house with him. Well, he seems to have more time now, he's posting on a personals site seeking relationships. Yeah, but if he wanted to talk to me, he still has my number. I really don't have it in me to go through the song-and-dance of a phone call anymore; I couldn't do it. Well, then, you can't do it, Greenie, and the thing you want just ain't gonna happen. Yeah, but do you remember the time we were sitting in Dad's old office and the sun was shining in and I stood up and said, Greenstorm, that's what I should be called online and he said, of course, that's perfect, that's who you are. That was almost ten years ago. He's different now, I'm different now. Sure, but why are you crying as you type this? I'm crying because I always thought we'd be friends, and he was the first person I trusted, and now he's gone. Years gone.
I work tomorrow. I work Friday, though not for long. I work Sunday too, I think. It feels good to keep busy.
This sadness has come on me in such a sudden storm. I always think it's gone, but it always does come back, after awhile, for awhile. I remember everyone else, I loved everyone else, but there will never be the same depth of regret for them. Not even close.
Not even close.
I'm feeling very strange. I suppose I'm starting to go through another transition period, with a fairly stable time behind me. I know I've been keeping very busy as one way of dealing with things, and I'm starting to want to shrug off the busy-ness in a very real way now. Weird things are bubbling up in my mind, and I suppose that makes a lot of sense.
Kynnin has obtruded himself upon my attention about half a dozen times since Monday, most lately as my highest-ranked match on okcupid (okcupid.com, where your exes are always on top!). I have to admit, I'm having trouble dealing.
Over the last couple of months I've been a little bit paranoid again, less so more recently, but not as well as I've been over the, oh, year and a half before that. I think that part of this is my mind being a tiny bit broken, but more of it comes from a lot of experience with situations where people said one thing, and meant (or were) another. Sometimes this was dishonesty with me, but more often I experienced people being either dishonest or unobservant with themselves. I would often make this whole thing worse by demanding things that were not available, forcing a choice between my distress and honesty.
In situations where I've experienced that, I have a lot of difficulty believing sincerity. I tend to think that everyone I meet will be like the people I've been with. In the last while-- especially with the Chrises, Juggler and CrazyChris, and with Tillie --I've been spending time with people who are reasonably self-knowledgeable, who are dependable but not neurotically so, who are honest and not spiteful or malicious or willfully ignorant. I've had no reasons to be paranoid about their behavior or motives, and so I've been in a good place.
Insert fortuitious picture here:
My relationship with Graham is a little iffier, given that he's just not as knowledgeable about himself in the context of a relationship. He's honest, and he's pretty good at not committing to something he isn't sure of even when pushed, so I figure we'll learn. My paranoia, however, started returning just a little since the thing with him began.
I don't want to talk about whose fault anything was, because even if I remembered we could likely chase cause-and-effect, behaviour-and-response lines back for generations. The fact is, though, that Kynnin and my relationship created most of my hot buttons for paranoia, and the quad nailed them into place a little more firmly. When Kynnin comes into my consciousness, a very familiar thing happens in my brain. My mind says this:
I miss Kynnin. I liked him, and I love him. It would be cool to talk with him some and see how he's doing. Wait, last time I did that, I tried calling a couple of times, he said he would get back to me, and it's been a year. He has my phone number. Well, he did seem very genuinely glad to talk to me and like he wanted to get together. But, since you moved out, there have been multiple spans of six or more months where you called him three or four times to get together, he said he'd like to and would call me back as soon as he was less busy, and he never did call back. In fact, he never has called you since you moved out of the house with him. Well, he seems to have more time now, he's posting on a personals site seeking relationships. Yeah, but if he wanted to talk to me, he still has my number. I really don't have it in me to go through the song-and-dance of a phone call anymore; I couldn't do it. Well, then, you can't do it, Greenie, and the thing you want just ain't gonna happen. Yeah, but do you remember the time we were sitting in Dad's old office and the sun was shining in and I stood up and said, Greenstorm, that's what I should be called online and he said, of course, that's perfect, that's who you are. That was almost ten years ago. He's different now, I'm different now. Sure, but why are you crying as you type this? I'm crying because I always thought we'd be friends, and he was the first person I trusted, and now he's gone. Years gone.
I work tomorrow. I work Friday, though not for long. I work Sunday too, I think. It feels good to keep busy.
This sadness has come on me in such a sudden storm. I always think it's gone, but it always does come back, after awhile, for awhile. I remember everyone else, I loved everyone else, but there will never be the same depth of regret for them. Not even close.
Not even close.
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no subject
Date: 2006-05-04 01:20 am (UTC)There's a book published, which apparently sucks, but I think the title in important "Maybe he's just not that into you". Sika and I were discussing this, the importance of sometimes accepting that it's not YOU who is failing in obtaining/maintaining a relationship, it's that the object of your affections isn't interested. And that that's OK.
It still feels like suck. I'm still struggling with the world of "I still love this person, I don't miss my relationship with them, but I miss them" and how to have that play out in a way that doesn't destroy my self-worth.
I keep reminding myself that love is not always a course of action, it's sometimes a way of being.
Learning by experience always looks easier than it is.
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Date: 2006-05-04 06:33 pm (UTC)When I told him he had to leave, that I felt he wouldn't take care of himself or seek growth if I was there to rely on, I felt like I was taking a dull knife and cutting out a part of myself. We stayed in touch, I helped him move - twice, but there was always the sense that he wanted things back the way they were, wanted things to be easier. His need to find himself, to make decisions about what he needed in his life was so apparent to me. His need to get help for depression was the most important in how it affected me in turn. I think I hoped that he would invest in himself, and I would, in return, have a happier friend/lover in my life. I wanted him 'better,' so 'we' could be better in whatever relationship evolved. I knew the risks. I ached with the knowledge.
I still drive by the place I last helped him move, and I know he lives there still. I know it's not healthy for me to do that. Every time I see a Pug (like last night), I remember his little Daisy, having her and Karma running around while the two of us talked, and, well, look - here *I* am crying while I type this......
You'd think that the pain of losing a friendship/love would lessen with time, but sometimes in doesn't. I don't know what to tell you.
*hug*
Hug
Date: 2006-05-05 12:19 am (UTC)