Round and Round and Round it goes...
Sep. 27th, 2003 06:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormIt's always pride that gets in the way, in my relationships. My pride, that prevents me from asking this, or presenting that image, or humbling myself and going to the other first.
Pain happens, and I can deal with that. Fear happens, and that's a struggle but it's a struggle that, if not easily won, is easily joined. Pride, though, that's something that prevents me from struggling in the first place.
It's pride that's the little voice in my ear whispering, if they really loved you they'd come to you first and you wouldn't have to go to them. That's where I am right now, and it's enough to make me cry. I can see the whole situation so clearly -- goodwill and confusion and distraction and thoughtlessness on the other side, and pride and habit and weariness and the feeling that, just once, the world owes it to me that someone else see the problem as a problem before I do and move to fix it.
I know what I need to do, as well. I need to stomp on the pride, dig down and find the desire, however habitual, for continuance, and fix it myself. If I want it fixed, after all, I can't depend on someone to do it for me.
Oh, but I think I'll live here in the heart of flaming rebellion a moment longer. I'll choose unuseful metaphors a moment longer, stay where I'm a workhorse unstabled at need or a doll put up on the shelf between bouts of play. I'll stand here, and awe you with the irony, as a disciplinarian upon whose self-sacrifice your enjoyment depends, as the worker upon whom your leisure rests.
At length I'll step back, I'm sure. I'll use fresh canvas and new colours, painting myself into some useful view. I'll work with instead of apart from, I'll convince myself that going up there now is the work of an equal and not a supplicant. I'll convince myself that the olive branch has been extended and I have only to accept it. I'll convince myself that everyone is working equally hard at this and it's only my own weakness which threatens to burn the caring out of me and not the sheer amount of work it takes.
Every perspective from which I can look at the situation is true somehow; both paradigms, all paradigms, are there for the taking. I've been faultless lately in choosing the most productive one and running with it, in looking at everything the right way and having it work out because of that. These successes perhaps make me complacent. I want to do things wrong and have someone pick up after me, not often, but sometimes.
It has happened once, but not with him.
I'm so tired of this. So tired. And I can see what's happening, and what I have to do, and there's nothing really wrong. Everything gets worked out quickly, and then is better than before. Except, except, I go from running eagerly to walking and to staggering and then sometimes I just stand, as now, and stare blankly or look in another direction.
I'll be alright. I've felt like this before and it will pass. I'll be happy and joyful and eager and refreshed, and it probably will not take very long. I am only not there right now, and in defiance of my role I needed to state it here for the world to see.
Pain happens, and I can deal with that. Fear happens, and that's a struggle but it's a struggle that, if not easily won, is easily joined. Pride, though, that's something that prevents me from struggling in the first place.
It's pride that's the little voice in my ear whispering, if they really loved you they'd come to you first and you wouldn't have to go to them. That's where I am right now, and it's enough to make me cry. I can see the whole situation so clearly -- goodwill and confusion and distraction and thoughtlessness on the other side, and pride and habit and weariness and the feeling that, just once, the world owes it to me that someone else see the problem as a problem before I do and move to fix it.
I know what I need to do, as well. I need to stomp on the pride, dig down and find the desire, however habitual, for continuance, and fix it myself. If I want it fixed, after all, I can't depend on someone to do it for me.
Oh, but I think I'll live here in the heart of flaming rebellion a moment longer. I'll choose unuseful metaphors a moment longer, stay where I'm a workhorse unstabled at need or a doll put up on the shelf between bouts of play. I'll stand here, and awe you with the irony, as a disciplinarian upon whose self-sacrifice your enjoyment depends, as the worker upon whom your leisure rests.
At length I'll step back, I'm sure. I'll use fresh canvas and new colours, painting myself into some useful view. I'll work with instead of apart from, I'll convince myself that going up there now is the work of an equal and not a supplicant. I'll convince myself that the olive branch has been extended and I have only to accept it. I'll convince myself that everyone is working equally hard at this and it's only my own weakness which threatens to burn the caring out of me and not the sheer amount of work it takes.
Every perspective from which I can look at the situation is true somehow; both paradigms, all paradigms, are there for the taking. I've been faultless lately in choosing the most productive one and running with it, in looking at everything the right way and having it work out because of that. These successes perhaps make me complacent. I want to do things wrong and have someone pick up after me, not often, but sometimes.
It has happened once, but not with him.
I'm so tired of this. So tired. And I can see what's happening, and what I have to do, and there's nothing really wrong. Everything gets worked out quickly, and then is better than before. Except, except, I go from running eagerly to walking and to staggering and then sometimes I just stand, as now, and stare blankly or look in another direction.
I'll be alright. I've felt like this before and it will pass. I'll be happy and joyful and eager and refreshed, and it probably will not take very long. I am only not there right now, and in defiance of my role I needed to state it here for the world to see.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-09-29 04:37 am (UTC)and be vulnerable,
is as much a gift as being
strong and upright and free.
*******************************************
Why can't you be, there, like you are here, when safety is all around?
-random thoughts.