Home At Last
Jul. 13th, 2006 08:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormSo here we go. It's a Thursday evening, 8pmish, and I'm in my own home, by myself. Interstate Love Song by STP is on repeat, my rats are fed, and I'm contemplating a run in the park across the street because I'm not planning to go dancing tonight anymore. Instead I'm planning to meet up with Juggler when he's done his stuff, and we'll see how that goes. It's really been quite a long time since I saw him last-- almost two weeks. A lot has happened since then in my brain, and I'm sure in his too.
Today at work I bought a notebook and started writing. There was no internet connection there, and it had to come out somehow-- I can't think inside my head, I need to talk or write. I've realised some painfully obvious things.
I'm broken, for instance. The thing in me that can do commitment to someone is just shot. It's gone. I have a couple of theories about this, and about why it is this way, and why it is this way right now; they involve making a commitment to Kynnin, and that relationship finally wrapping up in the last month or two for me-- but the commitment was forever. Forever isn't over yet. There may be elements of the implicit commitment between Juggler and I that involved his prioritising a third party, such that over nearly three years my level of commitment came to involve specifically having someone else prioritised. This isn't a big angsty thing, but it's pretty important for me to recognise. I've been making promises and not keeping them, and that's just not cool. So, remember, Greenie: if people feel good at the moment, that's what it is. It's not a future indicator, especially not of your own behaviour.
I'm happy, too. People are fantastic. That doesn't change. And, you know, there's capacity for joy in everyone. That seems important.
I'm living inside of what I'm doing, allowing myself the scope to actually do something thoroughly. It's good to remember that; it means that I don't plan two consecutive activities often, or leave the second one tentative, so I can let the first one flow as it will. It means I don't let people's expectations dictate my actions, nor do I leave my phone on all the time and do things half-there half-somewhere-else.
I'm keeping in my body, being healthy, running, to climbing, dancing-- experiencing the lightning immediate joy that is living rather than thinking. This isn't to say that I don't think, but I prefer that to be a directed activity right now, and mindful-- even if it's just me mindful of my brain's random thrashings (and believe you me, it does some pretty random thrashings).
I'm spending time with my friends. There are people other than sex partners in the world, and activities other than sex. I'm spending time with my ratties. They are my loves more than many.
I'm doing the things that make me happy. I'm taking note of what makes me happy, and when something doesn't, I don't continue it for long. Imagine that as a live philosophy! But that's where I'm at.
I should scan those pages and post them up here. They're a record. I should also re-write my cast of characters, and transcribe my boyfriend criteria, which are now sorta moot since I find using the word boyfriend gives me shudders. man, look how much I've changed! It's crazy. Oh, well.
Today at work I bought a notebook and started writing. There was no internet connection there, and it had to come out somehow-- I can't think inside my head, I need to talk or write. I've realised some painfully obvious things.
I'm broken, for instance. The thing in me that can do commitment to someone is just shot. It's gone. I have a couple of theories about this, and about why it is this way, and why it is this way right now; they involve making a commitment to Kynnin, and that relationship finally wrapping up in the last month or two for me-- but the commitment was forever. Forever isn't over yet. There may be elements of the implicit commitment between Juggler and I that involved his prioritising a third party, such that over nearly three years my level of commitment came to involve specifically having someone else prioritised. This isn't a big angsty thing, but it's pretty important for me to recognise. I've been making promises and not keeping them, and that's just not cool. So, remember, Greenie: if people feel good at the moment, that's what it is. It's not a future indicator, especially not of your own behaviour.
I'm happy, too. People are fantastic. That doesn't change. And, you know, there's capacity for joy in everyone. That seems important.
I'm living inside of what I'm doing, allowing myself the scope to actually do something thoroughly. It's good to remember that; it means that I don't plan two consecutive activities often, or leave the second one tentative, so I can let the first one flow as it will. It means I don't let people's expectations dictate my actions, nor do I leave my phone on all the time and do things half-there half-somewhere-else.
I'm keeping in my body, being healthy, running, to climbing, dancing-- experiencing the lightning immediate joy that is living rather than thinking. This isn't to say that I don't think, but I prefer that to be a directed activity right now, and mindful-- even if it's just me mindful of my brain's random thrashings (and believe you me, it does some pretty random thrashings).
I'm spending time with my friends. There are people other than sex partners in the world, and activities other than sex. I'm spending time with my ratties. They are my loves more than many.
I'm doing the things that make me happy. I'm taking note of what makes me happy, and when something doesn't, I don't continue it for long. Imagine that as a live philosophy! But that's where I'm at.
I should scan those pages and post them up here. They're a record. I should also re-write my cast of characters, and transcribe my boyfriend criteria, which are now sorta moot since I find using the word boyfriend gives me shudders. man, look how much I've changed! It's crazy. Oh, well.
