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greenstormI've been thinking a lot lately, and a bunch of the thought is going into love. I'm thinking about how and why I love, what exactly I mean when I say it, and how I act around it. There is aclear distinction for me between loving someone or something, which is a feeling about that thing, and... being in-love-with? Well, between love and attachment, is perhaps a better way to put it. I love like crazy, but I'm afraid of becoming attached to things, because things change and pass away. When I love something and it passes away, I am sad. When I'm attached to something and it passes away, it tears and hurts me.
Many of my relationships have been designed to keep me from getting too attached since I lost Kynnin. That was a lot of tearing, identity-loss, life-plan-change, big internal stuff that was not simply sad but wounding. To minimise the chances of that happening again, I chose to be in relationships with people who were not emotionally available-- they had commitments to others, they were wrapped up in romantic ideals rather than my actual self, they were too self-absorbed and self-contained to reach out and connect or mesh in that way. Without that connection, meshing, entanglement, call it what you will-- without that, the endings become easier.
This explains a lot.
The thing is, I like the intertwinedness that comes from closely meshed, vulnerable relationships, but it also frightens me quite a bit. It seems to frighten me to the point of gibbering rage and dissociation, in fact. That means I get to fight my codependent tendancies AND my run-away-I'm-scared tendancies at the same time. Wonderful.
Oh, well. I haven't had a good challenge in a long time.
PS I have skinned knees from climbing, and the joy of that type of injury is intense. It reminds me of when I was 5 and learning to rollerskate.
Many of my relationships have been designed to keep me from getting too attached since I lost Kynnin. That was a lot of tearing, identity-loss, life-plan-change, big internal stuff that was not simply sad but wounding. To minimise the chances of that happening again, I chose to be in relationships with people who were not emotionally available-- they had commitments to others, they were wrapped up in romantic ideals rather than my actual self, they were too self-absorbed and self-contained to reach out and connect or mesh in that way. Without that connection, meshing, entanglement, call it what you will-- without that, the endings become easier.
This explains a lot.
The thing is, I like the intertwinedness that comes from closely meshed, vulnerable relationships, but it also frightens me quite a bit. It seems to frighten me to the point of gibbering rage and dissociation, in fact. That means I get to fight my codependent tendancies AND my run-away-I'm-scared tendancies at the same time. Wonderful.
Oh, well. I haven't had a good challenge in a long time.
PS I have skinned knees from climbing, and the joy of that type of injury is intense. It reminds me of when I was 5 and learning to rollerskate.
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no subject
Date: 2006-07-29 12:46 am (UTC)Me for teh win!
A nigh-Guildensternian process of deduction and elimination has lead me to one conclusion
Date: 2006-07-29 02:49 am (UTC)No, no no. This is not right say /at all/. First, let's tinker with the font, then adjust the spacing, then.. what are you still doing here? I'll do a heavy edit and let you know when it looks... just right.
Not that it was reciprocal or anything :)
Re: A nigh-Guildensternian process of deduction and elimination has lead me to one conclusion
Date: 2006-07-30 05:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-30 05:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-30 07:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-30 10:07 am (UTC)Re: A nigh-Guildensternian process of deduction and elimination has lead me to one conclusion
Date: 2006-07-30 10:07 am (UTC)However, I am also drunk, and haven't bothered rereading to see if I am now making an ass of myself.
Not that that's out of the ordinary, or anything...
Re: A nigh-Guildensternian process of deduction and elimination has lead me to one conclusion
Date: 2006-07-30 04:12 pm (UTC)Re: A nigh-Guildensternian process of deduction and elimination has lead me to one conclusion
Date: 2006-07-30 09:02 pm (UTC)Decoding blog entries, for one.