Wintering and Fall Celebration Announce
Oct. 11th, 2006 03:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormGo straight to the last paragraph if you want a dinner invite without exposition.
Fall continues to tighten down. I thought I'd be able to trash my outdoor plants this week, but my boss says to hold on till next week. It's tough; everything is dying, everything is losing leaves and wants quiet. Even the indoor plants know fall is coming. They shed their crop of last years' leaves and only hold onto the new ones. Everything is doing a last spurt of growth after the summer's steady lazy push; ready before the light goes and they haven't the energy for it, I suppose.
Today/last night I had another episode, something I haven't had for awhile. I've been flirting with tired on and off, the metal halide light helped with that quite a bit, but the actual bad weird stuff my brain pulls on me hadn't happened in a serious way for quite some time. This one was a double thing-- and it was triggered. That's kind of reassuring, even though it reminds me just how much I'm damaged in some ways. Bob comes to bed fifteen minutes later than he said he would, not a big deal, right? My mind just went to static. It's not like I get actual flashbacks, but subterranean emotional quakes from all those years with both Kynnin and Juggler waiting in the dark or till the sun rose, alone. I'm getting the hang of dealing, though, of not running with it and letting it take me for a ride but simply tightening down and thinking, this too shall pass, and remembering hard that this is not the same thing.
And this isn't the same thing. Of course this is a new relationship; of course it's rosy from here. But even from here, I can see that this one dynamic is not the same. I am chosen, deliberate, wanted, important not just in some theoretical sense but in the actual sense; in the sense of actions taken in the real world and in the sense of priorities assigned. It's visible daily, even hourly, and that goes a long way towards soothing the crazy in my mind. I can point and say to myself, look, it's okay and know it is. There's not much room left for interpretation.
That's why when my paranoia set in around noon today, about a quarter of my mind was terrified, and the rest sort of laughed at myself and about twenty minutes later it was gone. It can't stick around if I don't take it seriously, if I don't reconvince myself and so keep the feeling coming.
So here's the classic pattern; things are lovely and settled in some arena or another, and my own internal mess comes boiling up now that I have time and security to deal with it. I'm confident. Thus far it's going well.
I have a fair amount to be thankful for, not in the standard flashy-showy way I'm used to, but in the same sort of low-key contentedness that's been wrapping my life lately. In keeping with the season, and because I haven't been seeing people lately, I'm opening my family thanksgiving-potluck-thingy tomorrow (Thursday) to whoever wants to come to dinner. Bring some bread or organic cheese or hummous or something for salad or some fruit or wine; I'll be making a big pot of vegan chili and maybe a roast beef or chicken and some roast veggies. Come meet my mom and play Scrabble with her, come gawk at my beautiful ratlet-mommies, come be friendly. It'll start roundabout 7:30, but I'll be home by 6:00, and it should be over by 11pm. Let me know you're coming if you like, or just show up. Number's 604-767-7534 if you want an address. I may do this again Monday of next week. I like having people to dinner.
Fall continues to tighten down. I thought I'd be able to trash my outdoor plants this week, but my boss says to hold on till next week. It's tough; everything is dying, everything is losing leaves and wants quiet. Even the indoor plants know fall is coming. They shed their crop of last years' leaves and only hold onto the new ones. Everything is doing a last spurt of growth after the summer's steady lazy push; ready before the light goes and they haven't the energy for it, I suppose.
Today/last night I had another episode, something I haven't had for awhile. I've been flirting with tired on and off, the metal halide light helped with that quite a bit, but the actual bad weird stuff my brain pulls on me hadn't happened in a serious way for quite some time. This one was a double thing-- and it was triggered. That's kind of reassuring, even though it reminds me just how much I'm damaged in some ways. Bob comes to bed fifteen minutes later than he said he would, not a big deal, right? My mind just went to static. It's not like I get actual flashbacks, but subterranean emotional quakes from all those years with both Kynnin and Juggler waiting in the dark or till the sun rose, alone. I'm getting the hang of dealing, though, of not running with it and letting it take me for a ride but simply tightening down and thinking, this too shall pass, and remembering hard that this is not the same thing.
And this isn't the same thing. Of course this is a new relationship; of course it's rosy from here. But even from here, I can see that this one dynamic is not the same. I am chosen, deliberate, wanted, important not just in some theoretical sense but in the actual sense; in the sense of actions taken in the real world and in the sense of priorities assigned. It's visible daily, even hourly, and that goes a long way towards soothing the crazy in my mind. I can point and say to myself, look, it's okay and know it is. There's not much room left for interpretation.
That's why when my paranoia set in around noon today, about a quarter of my mind was terrified, and the rest sort of laughed at myself and about twenty minutes later it was gone. It can't stick around if I don't take it seriously, if I don't reconvince myself and so keep the feeling coming.
So here's the classic pattern; things are lovely and settled in some arena or another, and my own internal mess comes boiling up now that I have time and security to deal with it. I'm confident. Thus far it's going well.
I have a fair amount to be thankful for, not in the standard flashy-showy way I'm used to, but in the same sort of low-key contentedness that's been wrapping my life lately. In keeping with the season, and because I haven't been seeing people lately, I'm opening my family thanksgiving-potluck-thingy tomorrow (Thursday) to whoever wants to come to dinner. Bring some bread or organic cheese or hummous or something for salad or some fruit or wine; I'll be making a big pot of vegan chili and maybe a roast beef or chicken and some roast veggies. Come meet my mom and play Scrabble with her, come gawk at my beautiful ratlet-mommies, come be friendly. It'll start roundabout 7:30, but I'll be home by 6:00, and it should be over by 11pm. Let me know you're coming if you like, or just show up. Number's 604-767-7534 if you want an address. I may do this again Monday of next week. I like having people to dinner.
