Greenstorm
May. 29th, 2007 11:13 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormThe last year or two has been a process of settling, quieting, calming. I'm better to live with now than I was, I'm less prone to creating discomfort in the people around me. I think first; I care more how people feel; I exercise restraint. I allow myself to take on responsibilities, and then I begin to accept the weight of those responsibilities on my shoulders. I claim ownership over my actions and my emotions.
I had been puzzling at whether Greenstorm still fit me: not the green, but the storm.
It still does. I suppose with me my energy rises from tension, from untenable situations, from trying to do the impossible. I more-or-less stopped trying to do the impossible in my relationships, and that gave me a bit of a break. I stopped trying to be everything that people needed, instead I just spent some time as myself, and stayed with people who were okay with the thing that comes out when I do that.
Now I'm caught, again. There's tension, again. The tension comes from a new source now: my home is in one place, and my passion, my work, the thing that draws me in, is in another. I can't do what I want to do easily and still be part of this network of friends and family that I've been creating for the last eight years. I commute, I split my time, it's logistically difficult, I don't settle well in the changes. There are new ways I might make the transition, I might spend a week here and three weeks there, instead of coming down for a weekend every so often. I might do this, or that. Still, it's not the most comfortable situation. It's perching on the edge of a bench instead of sinking into a soft couch, and I feel the old storminess and chaos rise in me. I'm keeping a lid on it right now. I am not serene.
Long-term decisions will need to be made eventually, and can't be made now. You can never see the shape of the future, but I particularly can't see it right now. I'm uneasy as it looms. The shadow is long. I shouldn't be uneasy; change is good for me, I know on many levels that it's my decision, I have the power to make it to benefit me. Look, I'm writing in asides and abstractions again. Greenstorm is back.
Who'd have thought? I thought it was age that had changed me, but instead it was simply decisions.
Do I want to keep being this person?
I had been puzzling at whether Greenstorm still fit me: not the green, but the storm.
It still does. I suppose with me my energy rises from tension, from untenable situations, from trying to do the impossible. I more-or-less stopped trying to do the impossible in my relationships, and that gave me a bit of a break. I stopped trying to be everything that people needed, instead I just spent some time as myself, and stayed with people who were okay with the thing that comes out when I do that.
Now I'm caught, again. There's tension, again. The tension comes from a new source now: my home is in one place, and my passion, my work, the thing that draws me in, is in another. I can't do what I want to do easily and still be part of this network of friends and family that I've been creating for the last eight years. I commute, I split my time, it's logistically difficult, I don't settle well in the changes. There are new ways I might make the transition, I might spend a week here and three weeks there, instead of coming down for a weekend every so often. I might do this, or that. Still, it's not the most comfortable situation. It's perching on the edge of a bench instead of sinking into a soft couch, and I feel the old storminess and chaos rise in me. I'm keeping a lid on it right now. I am not serene.
Long-term decisions will need to be made eventually, and can't be made now. You can never see the shape of the future, but I particularly can't see it right now. I'm uneasy as it looms. The shadow is long. I shouldn't be uneasy; change is good for me, I know on many levels that it's my decision, I have the power to make it to benefit me. Look, I'm writing in asides and abstractions again. Greenstorm is back.
Who'd have thought? I thought it was age that had changed me, but instead it was simply decisions.
Do I want to keep being this person?
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no subject
Date: 2007-05-30 05:29 pm (UTC)Age's primary contribution is the expanding experience that affects the information and viewpoints on which you base your decisions. Even the decision not to make a decision is still a decision, because there's always a default occurence that's going to happen if you don't decide.
no subject
Date: 2007-06-04 09:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-05 02:28 am (UTC)