Change, Commitment, and Structure

[greenstorm]

Well, my life definitely seems to be changing -- some of that's my doing, some of it's chance. It definitely seems to be for the better.

I've been needing some structure in my life for awhile, as well as some things to really work at. To be perfectly honest, my relationships at the moment aren't using up my well of commitment -- they're all fairly laid-back in terms of (this is important) long-term or reliable time commitments. Those are both things I need in my life -- I need to look forward to things, things that'll happen this week as well as at the end of the year.

So I decided to do this volunteering thing for the two places I've looked at in the past, VanDusen and Big Sisters. I've attended the Big Sisters information night, and will be going on to the orientation nights soon. I want to do this. There are a ton of reasons why I want to do this, but having this solid commitment to a year's worth of weekly stuff is big for me at this point among all the others.

And the gardening volunteer work with VanDusen is just... fun. It's learning, there are tons of courses that volunteers can take. It's getting better, constantly, at something I enjoy doing. It's being challenged by people who are better than I am at one of my favourite things. It's being amongst people who like my favourite things.

This was some stuff I've been needing for awhile, and I realised I couldn't change existing people in my life to give it to me, nor could I just expect it to drop into my lap. So, a few emails, a few phone calls, and it happens to me through my own intervention.

And then an acquaintance of mine comes to me about a job -- a business she runs that she's looking for someone to take over for awhile, and possibly even take over for good. So there's more structure, and it's good structure -- a little bit flexible, she does it while going to school (I could go back to school!), and predictable without the random stuff that I thought shift-work would stick on me.

So this is good. And with this other stuff going on it allows me to scale back the importance of my relationships in my life, just a little -- to take them for granted and maybe even let them hang a little, loosen a little. That's what they seem to be doing anyway, and it's what everyone involved seems to need after that initial intense 6-month period.


It's good to be able to trust that I can be busy with other things and they won't go away when I blink. I'm really getting to be almost functional with this. It's heartbreaking, the things I can do now, sometimes...

Can I go for a whole post without using the word 'trust'? No. Trust is heartbreaking. To be that fragile, that vulnerable, to so many people... and the most breathtaking thing is that it doesn't even hurt. It doesn't even hurt me. I think there's some sort of impulse in me that leads me to keep at it, to keep trusting, even when it doesn't make sense to. Humans are such improbable creatures, in the end.

I'm doing well lately, do you see that?

Comments

[darthmaus.livejournal.com]

I'm doing well lately, do you see that?

This Maus certainly sees it.

[silverseastar.livejournal.com]

Way to go. Change is hard to enact, but once it starts to happen things just tumble into your lap. Congratulations on the volunteering end of things! That is work, just not paid work, and counts for alot. You seem more centred and it's awesome to see. I can hardly wait to see what else tumbles your way.