Gainful Employment

[greenstorm]

So there we go. That was a week-and-a-half job search has got me a place with a super-awesome landscape maintenance/design company, a small one, that's both organic and has a leaning towards permaculture. In fact, she has the word permaculture in her brochure.

It's in North Van, but I think I'll learn a lot from her. This is better than just working outdoors. This is doing something close to what I wanna be doing right now.

I start either Friday or next week, so today is a Wreck Beach day for sure.

I'm slowly peeling people off the need-to-talk-to list. It feels good. I think I'm down to six calls or so I need to make.

It's hot and sticky. I didn't get anywhere near enough sleep-- I went to visit Eva and Ryan after the unexpectedly long interview last night, and had missed my skytrain home by the time I got my bike to Drew's door. It was *really* good to see people, even if angst seems to be the word of the day. I will nap at the beach today with Mike and Eva and my internet stalker, do feel free to join us.

Man, I wish I had my drum to take down. I need to get a travel djembe, but first I need to make my rent for next month. Lesigh.

I missed my bike. Tomorrow maybe I'll head out on it. I was gonna bike to Wreck, but the watermelon makes that unwieldy.

The album of the day is still Barenaked Ladies' Gordon.

I've been thinking a lot about hurting people in relationships. It's been a super-recurring theme for me, both in my life and also in the last couple of weeks especially. Way back at the beginning of all this, I didn't believe it was ever okay to do anything to cause someone you loved pain. As the years march on I realise that is an impossible goal, and the line sort of fuzzes out: deliberate unwanted pain is not cool, totally unintentional pain there's not much you can do about, but what about things you do from ignorance, stupidity, or necessity? How much of that sort of thing is okay? How much is causing someone pain an okay side-effect? Anyhow, I know this keeps coming up for me because I can't really work through it-- I still haven't really accepted that it happens at all.

This tends to make me a really crappy girlfriend because I'm so shocked and appalled by my hurting someone that I totally suck at comforting and/or fixing things, I just get distracted. That, at least, I'm getting a handle on.

I made a kickass sourdough bread pudding. Thanks, Tim, for the bread. I should go eat breakfast, maybe nap before the beach, and get off this introspective trip. I haven't had enough sleep to make it very effective.

Comments

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Thank you, that's really helpful.

That's why I need to accept that it happens, so I can accept that it has happened, I guess.

[estrellada.livejournal.com]

and deal with the consequences...I've been looking at all of that in the past few years, trying to deal with my own 'slash and burn' relationships of my early years and WHY I couldn't talk to certain people..and with my most recent Big Bad and WHY I couldn't deal with the other party.

It's hard work, and not always rewarding, being responsable, but I think if we're going to NOT slash and burn, but try to have relationships (small r, including post-capital R relationship friendships) we can continue returning to, responsability's a big part of that.