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greenstormWell, I'm still swinging all over the place, but I'm getting a handle on the fact that I'm swinging. I'm remembering how to deal (friends, time alone, more friends, good food, more time alone, love). Last night I talked with Bob about the possibility of not moving together with him, and it was pretty hard- for me and him, but I think I took it worse. I was pretty broken, so I wandered over to CrazyChris' for blue cheese and honey organic hamburgers (rare) and advice, both of which I got with love.
The other day, Tillie helped me straighten out what was going on. Chris helped me figure out why. It's been a long time since I took a hard look at my behaviour and tried to actively do something to make myself better to be in a relatiomship with; in the quad I did it constantly, and then have been swinging to the opposite extreme. Now hopefully I can get back to a middle ground, where I do it some but not to the exclusion of all else. Why do people get dependent on me after awhile, and then I end up feeling over-responsible and unable to cope? What should I do about it? To what extent is the way I'm feeling now an effect of living with Juggler, and how much does that matter? Will I need merely recovery time or something more long-term? Is Bob actually good to live with? Do I actually want to live with him? What would make that work? What made it work in the past?
So yeah, that's what I've been wrestling with. Monday night I went to Trevor's, and we were talking, and he said I should write memoirs. I asked him what happened in my life, as an overview, that I could write about. He said, you're obsessed with plants and you spend a lot of time analysing your relationships. Fair enough. I love that boy so much.
Monday I hung out with Mom in the morning, gave her the birthday present that was perfect for her (she agreed) and, of course, chatted about the family. She said she'd done something that really disturbed me, but I'm gonna friends-lock a post to tell tghe (brief) story in a sec-- I wouldn't put it past dad to be reading this in order to have things to take to court, or take up with my brothers or with mom.
Other highlights of the last little bit include eating lox and bagels while watching Shaun of the Dead with Eva, going to Sin in drag (with real facial hair! It was super-awesome, and I loved it), my box of BIODYNAMIC NECTARINES OH MY GOD 20 LBS OF THEM!, the return of old friends (as I said), sex and more sex, and thirty-three baby rats from three litters that are at Lizzy's right now: Erin had 14 babies! Erin is one of Lightning's babies, so my kiddo-- these are my grandkids, just like Gabe and Jewel from Angel's litter. Angel's two sisters, Ocho and Arwen (they need new names) were returned, as I've said, and we're gonna breed Ocho (assuming we home all the current set of babies, no more breeding till that's done of course).
My friend Greensinger has biked over from New York, and he'll be staying at my place for a bit when we can figure out a time that'll work. I'm hoping for that to happen and unsure of logistics, so he should call me. I'm really looking forward to meeting him.
My mom has offered me her sauna when it cools down, for me to go over and sit in warm after a day outdoors in the cold.
I like gin & cranberry to drink. I'm pleased to have a favourite alcoholic drink.
I really need to shower. Care, all.
The other day, Tillie helped me straighten out what was going on. Chris helped me figure out why. It's been a long time since I took a hard look at my behaviour and tried to actively do something to make myself better to be in a relatiomship with; in the quad I did it constantly, and then have been swinging to the opposite extreme. Now hopefully I can get back to a middle ground, where I do it some but not to the exclusion of all else. Why do people get dependent on me after awhile, and then I end up feeling over-responsible and unable to cope? What should I do about it? To what extent is the way I'm feeling now an effect of living with Juggler, and how much does that matter? Will I need merely recovery time or something more long-term? Is Bob actually good to live with? Do I actually want to live with him? What would make that work? What made it work in the past?
So yeah, that's what I've been wrestling with. Monday night I went to Trevor's, and we were talking, and he said I should write memoirs. I asked him what happened in my life, as an overview, that I could write about. He said, you're obsessed with plants and you spend a lot of time analysing your relationships. Fair enough. I love that boy so much.
Monday I hung out with Mom in the morning, gave her the birthday present that was perfect for her (she agreed) and, of course, chatted about the family. She said she'd done something that really disturbed me, but I'm gonna friends-lock a post to tell tghe (brief) story in a sec-- I wouldn't put it past dad to be reading this in order to have things to take to court, or take up with my brothers or with mom.
Other highlights of the last little bit include eating lox and bagels while watching Shaun of the Dead with Eva, going to Sin in drag (with real facial hair! It was super-awesome, and I loved it), my box of BIODYNAMIC NECTARINES OH MY GOD 20 LBS OF THEM!, the return of old friends (as I said), sex and more sex, and thirty-three baby rats from three litters that are at Lizzy's right now: Erin had 14 babies! Erin is one of Lightning's babies, so my kiddo-- these are my grandkids, just like Gabe and Jewel from Angel's litter. Angel's two sisters, Ocho and Arwen (they need new names) were returned, as I've said, and we're gonna breed Ocho (assuming we home all the current set of babies, no more breeding till that's done of course).
My friend Greensinger has biked over from New York, and he'll be staying at my place for a bit when we can figure out a time that'll work. I'm hoping for that to happen and unsure of logistics, so he should call me. I'm really looking forward to meeting him.
My mom has offered me her sauna when it cools down, for me to go over and sit in warm after a day outdoors in the cold.
I like gin & cranberry to drink. I'm pleased to have a favourite alcoholic drink.
I really need to shower. Care, all.
